Political Irony

“The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.” – Jay Leno

“Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, ‘a Monday’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.” – Jay Leno

“The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.” – Conan O’Brien

“The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney is getting a lot of attention for a series of gaffes he’s made while he’s in London. And in response, Romney said that he has nothing but respect for the people of England, especially their monarch, Queen Latifah.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Next week, President Obama will celebrate his 51st birthday. Obama already got one really nice gift: Mitt Romney’s trip to London.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Vice President Joe Biden said today that he had to ask his wife Jill to marry him five times before she said yes. Five times! Joe, that’s not a proposal, that’s harassment.” – Jay Leno

“I read that one of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: ‘Are you the only two choices?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney annoyed the British by saying that London seemed unprepared for the Olympics. You know, putting his foot in his mouth like that is not very presidential. Vice presidential, sure. Yeah, but not presidential.” – Jay Leno

“This year’s Olympics will be replacing the women’s beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of ‘Buzzkillistan.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.” – David Letterman

“In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there’s hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.” – Jay Leno

“Scotland announced that it will legalize gay marriage. I don’t know what’s bigger news, that Scotland did that or that a country where guys wear plaid skirts didn’t already have gay marriage.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The big story here in Los Angeles, of course, the L.A. City Council has just voted to ban medical marijuana sales at all 790 dispensaries. You know this means? Some people may have to resort to smoking non-medical marijuana. Good luck finding that!” – Jay Leno

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said he will think about running for president in 2016 if Obama wins in November. But until then he said he’ll just think about pancakes.” – Jimmy Fallon

© Mike Thompson

Silly season started early. Will any of us survive?

“Mitt Romney’s search for a vice president continues As you know, one of Mitt Romney’s problems is that he’s never hired an American for a job before, so this is new.” – Jay Leno

“The poverty rate is now at its highest since the 1960s. It’s gotten so bad that Mitt Romney’s butler let his butler go.” – Conan O’Brien

“Speaking of Romney, I read that his campaign has raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it’s going to be weird when they’re announcing all the countries, and he’s like ‘Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It leaked out that the London Olympics opening ceremony is going to include a showdown between Voldemort and Mary Poppins.” – Conan O’Brien

“The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.” – David Letterman

“Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.” – Jay Leno

“Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics.” – Conan O’Brien

“The apartment that President Obama used to live in when he was a college student in New York is now up for rent for $2,400 a month. Coincidentally, Obama was only there for one four-year term.” – Jay Leno

“The apartment President Obama used to live in when he was a college student is now up for rent. It’s $2,400 a month, which is a bargain when you consider how much money Mitt Romney is spending to try and move into where Obama is living now.” – Jay Leno

“It’s now being reported than Mitt Romney’s campaign brought in 200 African American supporters to help cheer him on when he spoke at the NAACP meeting. And it cost him a lot of money because he had to fly them in from the Cayman Islands.” – Jay Leno

“The country’s largest Tea Party group is planning a cross-country bus tour to help elect Mitt Romney. Romney was like, ‘Wow, that’s great. What is a bus?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Congresswoman Michele Bachmann wants an investigation as to whether Islamists have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government. You know what’s really frightening? After listening to Michele Bachmann, you realize idiots have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government.” – Jay Leno

“The Boy Scouts of America have announced they are upholding their ban on gay members. The Boy Scouts are so serious about this gay ban, that you’re not allowed to pitch a tent if a girl is nearby.” – Jay Leno