“Congress will have a Secret Santa exchange involving both parties. The Democrats will give Republicans a gift. And that’s it.” – Seth Meyers
“The Senate is doing its first-ever Secret Santa gift exchange this year. Yeah, there’s a $10 spending limit, but they plan to go $14 trillion over budget.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The good news is, the unemployment rate has dropped to 8.6 percent. The bad news is, most of those require a sack, a red suit, and a beard.” – Jay Leno
“‘America’s Most Wanted’ used to be on FOX, but it was canceled because executives at FOX realized the show actually helped people.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama met with leaders of all the American Indian tribes. He promised to help tackle the challenges facing the Native American communities — like card counting.” – Jay Leno
“A man in Ohio has been calling women posing as a doctor and asking intimate questions about how they give themselves breast exams. Then he ends with, ‘Vote for Herman Cain.'” – Seth Meyers
“I think Herman Cain is getting a little desperate. He said if his wife forgives him, he’ll throw in free bread sticks, buffalo wings and a 2-liter of Pepsi.” – Jay Leno
“Herman Cain is scheduled to make a big announcement tomorrow. He says if his wife wants him to quit the race, he will quit the race. However, his wife’s vote can be overruled by a simple majority of his mistresses.” – Craig Ferguson
“In a new interview, it’s revealed that Mitt Romney loves chocolate milk. While Rick Perry prefers milk like his poll numbers: 2 percent.” – Jimmy Fallon
“High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi. It was so windy police at U.C. Davis had to take the students inside to pepper spray them. Birds just stayed in their bird houses and tweeted each other.” – Jay Leno