Political Irony

“They had a midnight raid and they cleaned out Zucotti Park where the Occupy Wall Streeters were camped out for about two months. So if you’re keeping score, here’s what the score is now: Eighty down in Zucotti Park; Wall Street executives arrested: Zero.” – David Letterman

“Last night Occupy Wall Street protesters were removed by Cesarean. The Founding Fathers never intended indefinite free speech. They assumed after two weeks any protest would be wiped out by smallpox.” – Stephen Colbert

“Some have criticized pepper spraying a pregnant woman, but don’t forget, the cops were spraying for two.” – Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday President Obama urged his supporters to watch the Republican debates. Though legally he was forced to add, ‘But not while operating heavy machinery.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“One by one the Republican candidate potentials have been shooting themselves in the foot making huge, horrible gaffes and they just look silly. It’s gotten so bad that President Obama is now worried he may actually be re-elected.” – David Letterman

“It makes sense that Gingrich is rising. He is the only candidate who appears to be made of dough.” – Stephen Colbert

“Newt Gingrich is so confident about his chances that he’s already working on his concession speech.” – David Letterman

“Today Rick Perry introduced a new plan to overhaul all three branches of government. Just as soon as he comes up with a plan to remember all three branches of government.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Herman Cain flubbed a question on Libya yesterday and then tried to cover by saying, ‘Oh, I thought you meant Libya Newton-John.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Herman Cain’s campaign insists there are more women out there waiting to charge him with harassment. They figure people can take a sex creep in the White House, but not someone who says, ‘Libya, hmm,’ and just sits there.” – Daily Show correspondent Herman Cain

“Rick Perry forgets his own talking points, Herman Cain forgets every woman he ever groped, Mitt Romney forgets he used to be for everything he is now against; they don’t need debates, they need ginkgo biloba.” – Bill Maher

“More bad news for Rick Perry. Tomorrow there’s another debate.” – Jay Leno

“Someone told Rick Perry today that Obama, as he did, laid a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. And Rick Perry said ‘See, he blanks on names too.'” – Bill Maher

“Rick Perry also said the other night he wants to get rid of the Department of Education. Well, that’s the problem with kids in America today. They’re just too educated.” – Jay Leno

“A new poll shows 45 percent of Republicans believe that Mitt Romney will be the nominee, and that rises to 46 percent if you count Rick Perry, who also believes Mitt Romney will be the nominee.” –Jay Leno

“It has gotten so bad in the party that Newt Gingrich is now starting to surge, which is never good news for Mrs. Gingrich.” – Bill Maher

“The Italian prime minister announced he is stepping down. He’s looking forward to spending more time with his wife and five hookers.” –Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney said this week if he’s elected, he won’t let Iran get nuclear weapons. Other Republicans were quick to respond. Newt Gingrich said it would be impossible to enforce. Ron Paul said it’s none of our business. And Rick Perry said, “ . . . “–Craig Ferguson

“Today’s date is 11/11/11! Or as Joe Biden calls that, “A great email password!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday, a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters interrupted Michele Bachmann’s speech in South Carolina. In response, Bachmann’s supporters were like, ‘Man, if we existed, we’d be so angry right now!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“A guy named Reggie Love leaving the White House to get a degree at the Wharton School of Business. I guess he realized you can’t learn anything about economics in the Obama White House.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama attended the first college basketball game ever played on an aircraft carrier. Don’t confuse that with the NBA. That’s a bunch of guys not playing basketball on a sinking ship.” –Jay Leno