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Late Night Political Humor

Monday, May 9, 2011

“After Osama bin Laden’s death on Sunday, there was a 1 million percent increase in ‘bin Laden’ searches on Google. Which means people were going, ‘Yes! We got bin Laden! Hold on, who’s that again?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“He’s up to 2,000 friends on Shot-in-the-Facebook.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, ‘I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.'” – Conan O’Brien

“While promoting her ‘Let’s Move’ campaign at a middle school, Michelle Obama danced the Cha-Cha, the Running Man, and the Dougie. Not to show off — she was just doing her impression of Barack after they got bin Laden.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Some top Republicans are giving most of the credit for killing bin Laden to former President George W. Bush. It’s kind of like when someone opens a pickle jar and you say, ‘Well, I loosened it.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Bin Laden was living in his compound with nine women and 23 children. It sounds like he was shooting a reality show for TLC.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“They say bin Laden lived in his compound with nine women and 23 children. I’m surprised the guy didn’t shoot himself in the head.” – Jay Leno

“Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp.” – Jay Leno

“At the time of his death, bin Laden had sewn the equivalent of $740 into his clothing. Experts say his next plan was to launch a major attack, or to rent a one-bedroom apartment in Chicago.” – Conan O’Brien

“Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, ‘the ultimate waterboarding.'” – Jay Leno

“They dumped bin Laden’s body at sea, and I spoke with some clergymen that said he should be arriving in hell right about now. He would have gotten there sooner, but he had to go through Newark.” – David Letterman

“As we speak, Osama bin Laden is living with SpongeBob in a pineapple under the sea.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“They dumped bin Laden at sea so there would be no shrine. And I just found out that CBS has the same plan for me.” – David Letterman

“President Obama said he will not release the photo of Osama bin Laden’s dead body. Well, there goes my Christmas card idea.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House says they’re not going to release the death photo, so we’ll just have to wait till Donald Trump forces them to release it. The White House did release his last words: ‘Don’t tase me, bro.'” – Jay Leno

“Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden’s compound, which explains why bin Laden’s last words were, ‘Dude . . . ‘” – Conan O’Brien

“A 61-year-old bearded man went to the airport in New York, said his name was Osama bin Laden and he had a bomb in his bag. They knew it wasn’t real, because he wasn’t being protected by the Pakistani military.” – Jay Leno

“Elisabeth Hasselbeck of ‘The View’ is writing a children’s book about Osama bin Laden’s death. She wants to write a book to explain the whole thing to children. No title yet, but I have some suggestions: ‘Good Night, Douche,’ ‘Horton Hears a Helicopter.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Now that bin Laden is gone, we can get back to talking about ‘American Idol.’ That really shows that we’ve won the War on Terror.” – Conan O’Brien

“Kate Middleton and Prince William said that for their honeymoon they want privacy in a country where no one will give away their location. I think they are going to Pakistan.” – Jay Leno

“BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, ‘our warm up spill.'” – Conan O’Brien

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CIA Employee of the Month Update

Monday, May 9, 2011


© Matt Bors

I haven’t seen much mention in the US media about how Osama bin Laden used to be on the CIA payroll.

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I feel safer already

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Two passengers, both dressed in traditional Muslim attire, were removed from an airplane on Friday because passengers on the flight felt uncomfortable. The two men went through security screening three times, but the pilot refused to let them back on the airplane.

What makes this ironic is that the two men were on their way to a conference on prejudice against Muslims. One of the men who was removed is a professor at the University of Memphis.

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The Terror in His Eyes

Sunday, May 8, 2011


© Rob Rogers

Another GOP talking point bites the dust.

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Bribery and Corruption for Fun and Profit

Saturday, May 7, 2011

A few weeks ago the front page of the London Sunday Times newspaper broke a story about how some investigative reporters posed as lobbyists for the banking industry trying to get banking reform legislation watered down. Three members of the European parliament took the bait, and agreed to be paid a yearly salary of 100,000 Euros (US$143,120) in exchange for their votes. One of those was a former deputy prime minister from Romania, who had the chutzpah to email the reporters “Just to let you know that the amendment desired by you has been tabled in due time.” He then sent them an invoice for €12,000 (US$17,174). Isn’t that tidy?

When I read this, my initial reaction was to shake my head at such blatant corruption in the European parliament and wonder how europeans put up with it. But are we really any better? A quick look turned up a few interesting stories from the US.

Here’s one about Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, who insists that his “state is broke” and so has cut government workers’ salaries, saying that they are overpaid, and stripped them of their collective bargaining rights. But Walker somehow found the money to give a 26% raise to one of his employees who oversees environmental and other regulations in the department of commerce, after just two months on the job. What makes this even more curious is that the employee is hardly qualified for the job. He’s a college dropout, and it looks like this is the first real job he has held. Brian Deschane is only 26, but he already has two drunk-driving convictions.

So how did it get this job? It probably helped that Deschane is the son of the head lobbyist for the Wisconsin Builders Association, and one of the largest contributors to Walker’s campaign. So in one fell swoop, the builder’s association gets someone on the inside to oversee regulations that affect them, and that someone even gets paid a salary and a raise. Not only that, but the anti-union law the governor signed also had provisions to convert more than 37 civil service positions into political appointees so the governor can do even more political patronage with taxpayer money.

Here’s another, about how Wachovia Bank laundered tens of billions of dollars for cocaine smugglers, including the same drug smugglers who are killing people in Mexico.

Or how could we ignore how most of the major banks in the US routinely forged mortgage documents, with full cooperation of the government.

Or how about the Candlie’s Foundation, which is supposedly a non-profit whose mission is to prevent teen pregnancy. You may have heard of them because their spokesperson is Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol, who receives a salary of $262,500. The “foundation” also spent $165,000 on advertising. So how much have they actually spent on teen pregnancy prevention? $35,000. Candie’s Foundation is run by an executive for a teenage clothing company, so it is not surprising that they spend 10 times more on promotion and PR than they spend on, you know, actually doing what their non-profit claims to do.

Or how Koch Industries paid off President Bush, to avoid paying record penalties and even jail time for blatant pollution violations, and even got one of their own employees hired as the inspector general of the EPA as an added bonus.

And yet we often look the other way at this kind of corruption.

In fact, this will probably get me into trouble with lots of my readers, but I will claim that there is a very common form of corruption that pretty much all of us (with the exception of poor people) are guilty of, and yet we think nothing of it. Are you indignant yet? Ready to claim that you would never do anything corrupt like bribery or kickbacks?

So, how many of you have ever flown on company business and received “frequent flyer miles” from the airline, car rental company, or hotel? Or how many of you use a credit card that gives you “cash back” on your purchases, and have used those credit cards to pay for things (such as travel) that were reimbursed by the company for whom you work?

Programs like this are a form of kickback — a personal gift to you in exchange for your company’s business. Airlines do it because it works — it brings them business. Not only that, but the IRS looks the other way, so these kickbacks (which should be illegal!) are not even treated as income, and you don’t have to pay taxes on them. What a deal!

When I’ve had discussions with people about “frequent flyer” programs, a common argument I hear is that business travelers are entitled to perks like this. Interestingly, when government officials who accept bribes are caught, many of them feel entitled to these bribes as part of their “compensation”. I’m sure that politicians who accept massive campaign contributions in exchange for their votes feel the same way.

And the second most common excuse? “Everybody does it”. I guess that means that if everyone is corrupt, then it is ok.

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The Rule of Law? Not in NOLA

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Paul Craig Roberts, a former editor of the Wall Street Journal and former assistant secretary to the treasury under Ronald Reagan, wrote recently: “Police in the US now rival criminals, and exceed terrorists as the greatest threat to the American public.”

If you don’t believe him, read this article on the criminal justice system in New Orleans.

The US Department of Justice issued a report saying that the New Orleans police department is racist, that it systemically violates civil rights, uses “unnecessary and unreasonable force”, is “largely indifferent to widespread violations of law and policy by its police officers” and routinely covers up officer shootings of civilians. “NOPD’s mishandling of officer-involved shooting investigations, was so blatant and egregious that it appeared intentional in some respects.” Even police dogs are out of control, “We found that NOPD’s canines were uncontrollable to the point where they repeatedly attacked their own handlers.”

The report is mainly about New Orleans, but similar problems plague police departments across the south.

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Late Night Political Humor

Friday, May 6, 2011

“Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn’t have needles.” – Stephen Colbert

‘He was living a half a mile from Pakistan’s version of West Point in a town surrounded by retired ex-military officers. Let me put it in New York City terms. Bin Laden was on 21st and Seventh Avenue; they were on 21st and Ninth Avenue. If the Pakistani military academy were Domino’s, they would have been delivered to bin Laden on foot.’ – Jon Stewart

“The CIA says bin Laden’s last words were, ‘Are you guys here about the dishwasher?'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The hot new drink around the country is the bin Laden. It’s a Colt 45 and a shot that goes right to your head.” – Jay Leno

“It was so nice in New York City today that Navy SEALs raided a Jamba Juice.” – David Letterman

“The initial reports said that Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy SEALs, but now it appears that he was killed by actual seals.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This is the best time ever to be a Navy SEAL — or a guy in a bar claiming to be a Navy SEAL.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The raid on bin Laden was carried out by an elite team of Navy SEALs called ‘Team 6.’ Not only did they kill bin Laden, they also killed Donald Trump’s shot at being president.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama has done something that no one else has been able to do. He got Donald Trump to shut up.” – Jay Leno

“Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching ‘Celebrity Apprentice.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Intelligence experts think Osama bin Laden lived in the compound in Pakistan with all of his wives for six years. So I guess he did suffer.” – David Letterman

“The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday Rush Limbaugh opened his show with ‘Thank God for President Obama.’ In other words, the Apocalypse has begun.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Obama’s even getting a little cocky. Today he held a press conference and said, ‘Yeah, I was born in Kenya. What you gonna do about it?'” – Jay Leno

“The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they’re doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates.” – Conan O’Brien

“Experts say the Osama bin Laden death photo will be the most viewed image in history. Second, of course, is Sharon Stone from ‘Basic Instinct.'” – Jay Leno

“There’s one thing we should thank bin Laden for. Because of his death, for one whole day, we didn’t talk about Charlie Sheen” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Saddam Hussein is dead, and Osama bin Laden is dead. If you’re Moammar Gadhafi, living in exile is starting to sound really good.” – Jay Leno

“NATO bombed Gadhafi’s compound in Tripoli. The bombing damaged countless antique rugs and curtains, leaving Gadhafi with absolutely nothing to wear.” – Jay Leno

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Income Redistribution – Upward!

Friday, May 6, 2011

The new Fortune 500 listings are out, ranking big corporations by revenue. But the list gets even more interesting if you rank them by profits. Exxon Mobil is #2 by revenue, but they are far and away #1 in profits, making what even Fortune magazine called “astonishing” profits of $35.6 billion dollars. That’s 52 times more profits than the median company in the Fortune 500.

Taken together, profits for the Fortune 500 grew 81% in 2010. But the bad news is that “trickle down economics” still isn’t working:

But guess who didn’t benefit much from this giant wave of cash? Millions of U.S. workers stuck mired in a stagnant job market.

Sure, these corporate profits derived partly from productivity gains, including workforce reductions. And many 500 companies are growing faster overseas than in the U.S. Nevertheless, we’ve rarely seen such a stark gulf between the fortunes of the 500 and those of ordinary Americans.

That’s right. If there is class warfare, ordinary Americans are definitely losing that war.

Three of the top five companies (the Fortune 5?) were oil companies — Exxon Mobil was joined by Chevron and ConocoPhillips. Together, these three companies made $60.9 billion in profits. Ironically, despite these record-breaking profits, the Republicans still seem to think that we should continue to give billions in subsidies to the oil companies. In fact, on Thursday the Republicans unanimously voted against ending subsidies.

Yes, these are the subsidies that even oil company executives say they don’t need. But what makes this hypocritical is that even the Republicans are saying that we should abolish these subsidies, but then keep voting for them. WTF? Watch as the same GOP politicians say they are against oil company subsidies, while simultaneously voting for them:

And the Republicans can’t claim that they want to keep the subsidies in order to keep gas prices from rising even more. Also on Thursday, House Republicans managed to delay regulation of speculation in oil, even though rampant speculation is one of the main causes of high oil prices.

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Political Typology

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Pew Research has an interesting (but short) quiz that can help you identify your politics.

I wouldn’t take it too seriously, since I don’t think the labels “conservative” and “liberal” actually have any meaning anymore, but it is a fun diversion.

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Suspension of Belief

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Does anyone really think that releasing photos of Osama bin Laden will convince any of these idiots? This is why you don’t negotiate with terrorists.


© Scott Stantis

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Crony Capitalism killed the Free Market and Democracy

Thursday, May 5, 2011

David Stockman, director of the Office of Management and Budget under Reagan and a former Congressman puts it bluntly “I believe we no longer have free market capitalism and we no longer have a democracy.” What we have instead is “crony capitalism” — a system that is rigged in favor of the financial elite, and which will “generate results the market wouldn’t otherwise provide for”.

The whole point of free-market capitalism is that it is supposed to reward the best and the brightest, encourage innovation and keep businesses competitive. Without competition, what you have is socialism (or worse, National Socialism). When conservatives attack socialism, they are actually attacking socialism for the poor, but socialism for the rich is even worse because the rich control our economy. When failure is met with bailouts and flabby industries are kept alive with corporate welfare, our entire economy is in jeopardy.

According to Stockman, the main culprit is The Fed. “The Fed is the great enabler.” Allowing banks to borrow money at no cost for so long turns “capital markets into a rip-roaring casino that really is not productive for the real main street economy and is generating windfall gains for a very limited number of people for no good purpose.”

How do we we solve this problem? Simple, go back to free markets. No more bank bailouts, no more subsidies for dinosaur industries (I’m looking at you, oil!), and regulate banks so that all investors have an equal opportunity to make money, not just insiders. And raise taxes.

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The Irony of Redemptive Violence

Thursday, May 5, 2011


© Andy Singer

Osama bin Laden often said that his goal was to bankrupt our economy. Let’s make sure he didn’t succeed.

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Late Night Political Humor

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

“We finally killed bin Laden. That didn’t take too long.” – David Letterman

“The good news: Osama bin Laden is dead. The bad news: there is no bad news.” – Jay Leno

“I’m as giddy as a schoolgirl who just shot bin Laden in the eye. Suck my giant American balls, Al Qaeda. Hey Osama, no 3D movies for you in hell. Which I’m pretty sure would be The Last Airbender. … I am just so happy. And I hope I am never again this happy over someone’s death.” – Stephen Colbert

“I suppose I should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being. And yet — uhhhh, no!” – Jon Stewart

“What?! Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we killed him in Abottabad! Abottabad sounds like name most New Yorkers would have invented for the fictional place they would have loved to kill Bin Laden.” – Jon Stewart

“There’s already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.” – David Letterman

“President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, ‘I could have used seals?'” – Conan O’Brien

“How about those Navy Seals. We’re getting our money’s worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden’s compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head.” – David Letterman

“Navy SEALS are very badass hombres. They eat bugs and poop freedom.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That’s right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans’ chances in 2012.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: ‘Yes I Did.'” – Jay Leno

“I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama ’cause his response to every question during the debates will be: ‘Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn’t it?'” – Craig Ferguson

“Osama bin Laden’s death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, ‘President Obama saves the world.’ Stations on the right are going, ‘Obama kills fellow Muslim.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really happy. Glenn Beck was crying — and then he found out about Osama.” – Craig Ferguson

“Politicians on both sides are equally happy. Dick Cheney said he hasn’t been this happy since he saw the YouTube video of the girl throwing puppies into the river.” – Craig Ferguson

“Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved.” – Jay Leno

“Apparently, members of al-Qaida are online slamming the U.S. I don’t understand why they’re so upset. Everyone in al-Qaida just got a promotion.” – Craig Ferguson

“After bin Laden was killed, the FBI updated its most wanted list. So on behalf of everyone here, I just would like to congratulate Lindsay Lohan on her recent promotion.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down.” – Conan O’Brien

“The news of bin Laden’s death interrupted this week’s episode of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted ‘Celebrity Apprentice.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Donald Trump has had a busy week – the President got sweet revenge last night by making the bin Laden announcement in the middle of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Oddly enough, bin Laden’s last words were, ‘I hope you at least use this to interrupt ‘Celebrity Apprentice.” – Jimmy Fallon

“By the way – I should point out that – on the same night Obama was ordering the Navy to kill Osama Bin Laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The message is clear. President Obama is so jealous and so threatened by me he had to hunt down and kill Osama bin Laden right in the middle of my show. Obviously the President planned this whole operation and press conference to cut off my show, so, essentially, I killed Osama bin Laden. So congratulations to me, Donald Trump. You’re welcome.” – Jimmy Fallon playing Donald Trump on SNL

“I would like us to kill bin Laden every Sunday night. It makes for a much brighter start to the week.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko’s.” – Conan O’Brien

“There were a number of odd details that tipped US intelligence officers. The house had no phone or internet connection – it was surrounded by security walls – the occupants didn’t put their trash out, they burned it. And the name on the mailbox was a tipoff too. It said Al Q. Aeda. That was a red flag. The red flag was a red flag too.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Looking for Bin Laden was like a 10-year game of Where’s Waldo. Only better because when you finally find Waldo you get to storm his compound and put a cap in his ass.” – Craig Ferguson

“This is probably the biggest story of the year in the United States. It is the only story on the news. This would be – I’ll tell you what – if you’re a politician looking to have a little public men’s room sex – today was the day!” – Jimmy Kimmel

“By the way, ‘buried at sea’ means ‘dumped in the ocean.’ That’s what they did with him. They dumped him in the ocean. Now I won’t feel so guilty about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“And so, Osama Bin Laden got his first bath in almost ten years. This could the best shark week ever.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, best episode of Maury Povich EVER.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The President was on Oprah today, but the segment was taped last week. In fact, you could watch Oprah give him the order to kill bin Laden.” – Conan O’Brien

“Seth Meyers did a great job at the White House Correspondents Dinner. But I gotta say, this weekend Barack Obama really killed.” – Stephen Colbert

“Quite a weekend! Did you folks enjoy Osama bin Laden’s season finale? At least he lived long enough to see the Royal Wedding.” – David Letterman

“Between the death of bin Laden and the royal wedding, it’s an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“At the royal wedding, Kate Middleton wore a dress designed by Sarah Burton and Prince William wore something from the Sgt. Pepper collection.” – Jay Leno

“For their honeymoon, the royal couple wants to go somewhere they can have complete privacy and no one in the country will give away their location. I think they’re going to Pakistan.” – Jay Leno

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Congressional Action

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Satirist Andy Borowitz reports that a new poll shows that 97% of Americans favor SEAL Team Six — the elite unit that took out Osama bin Laden — landing on the US Capitol building and taking out Congress by force. According to the study “There’s a broad consensus out there that the Navy SEALs get things done, and that they would make C-SPAN more fun to watch.”

In related news, in reporting on bin Laden’s death, Fox News apologized for mispronouncing Barack Obama’s name as “George W. Bush.”

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Tortured Logic

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Conservatives are trying to promote the idea that former president Bush deserves some, if not most, of the credit for finding Osama bin Laden, and that torture provided the information that helped find him.

For example, Representative Steve King (R-IA) wrote “Wonder what President Obama thinks of water boarding now?” and the Tea Party Express tweeted “We hope all those who attacked the CIA interrogations of detained terrorists will now apologize and shut up – you were wrong!” Former defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld is even trying to give the lion’s share of the credit to policies that he himself put in place during the Bush administration.

But if you look closely at what they are saying, you can tell that they are bending the truth. Even Rumsfeld hedges by saying that the crucial intelligence “very well could have been partly a result of the interviews that took place at Guantánamo.” In other words, he doesn’t know.

And in fact, once the full story was published, officials admitted that the critical piece of information that Rumsfeld, King, and the others were referring to — the nickname of one of bin Laden’s trusted couriers — was NOT revealed during water boarding or other harsh interrogation. It was revealed during standard questioning. I repeat: Standard questioning gave us information that water boarding did not.

So to make this perfectly clear, water boarding is torture, and torture is illegal. We have hanged enemies for using water boarding for interrogation. And there is still absolutely no evidence that water boarding yielded any information that could not have been gotten though legal interrogation.

Conservatives can bluster all they want and claim that these techniques work, but it is just as likely that torture was the reason why Bush was not able to find bin Laden, while Obama was able to find and kill him. After all, Obama closed the black-ops prisons where those terrorists were tortured.

However, I would be perfectly happy to give the Bush administration complete credit now for finding bin Laden, but on one condition: that the Bush administration takes full credit for the financial collapse and financial meltdown that Obama is still pulling us out of.

UPDATE:

© Joel Pett

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