Political Irony

“The Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khomeini, said this election was not rigged, the results are final, and you can protest all you want, but if you keep doing it, we’re going to start cracking heads. Now if we could only get this guy to call Norm Coleman.” – Bill Maher

“Today, Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khomeini, said there’s no fraud in the election, and the results will stand. That was the word from the supreme leader. I don’t know, I wouldn’t mind a second opinion from the other supreme leaders: Burrito Supreme, Taco Supreme, and of course, Diana Ross.” – Jimmy Fallon

“No, it’s sad about Iran, but what do you expect about a country with a government that’s propped up by oil, that’s led by a religious wacko? Kind of like Alaska.” – Bill Maher

“The Iranian government is trying very hard now to legitimize their election. That’s the big story in the world right now. Today, Iran’s supreme leader declared last week’s presidential election ‘an absolute victory.’ That’s what he said. Yep. Yeah, then he went on to congratulate the Clippers on winning the NBA championship.” – Conan O’Brien

“The silver lining in this dark cloud is that Twitter found a reason to exist.” – Bill Maher

“Don’t you know that this could be the first revolution brought to you by Twitter? Because that’s how people are communicating to go of the rallies and so forth, and show the pictures of what’s going on. Authorities, of course, in Iran shut down cell phone networks. They shut down the internet. Calls are absolutely not getting through or they’re dropped immediately. Or as T-Mobile calls it, normal service.” – Bill Maher

“This is weird. The state of New Hampshire is projecting an additional $55 million in revenue, now that they’ve legalized gay marriage. Yeah, as a result, the state motto has been changed from ‘Live Free or Die’ to ‘These Blueberry Scones are to Die For.'” – Conan O’Brien

“This is all very ironic, because this is the week that the gay people in America finally really had it up to here with Barack Obama, because he won’t come out for gay marriage. He threw them a ball with federal benefits. They didn’t like that. They said, we are not satisfied and we are feeling neglected. He said, well that’s almost like being married.” – Bill Maher

“Have you been following the John Ensign scandal? He’s the senator from Nevada who got his penis caught in the cookie jar. It turns out he was screwing the wife of his chief of staff, they say. And I love this guy. He’s a piece of work. Because John Ensign was a promise keeper. He was a big proponent of the Defense of Marriage Act. And a loud voice calling for Clinton to resign during the Lewinsky scandal. So he has hit the hypocrisy trifecta.” – Bill Maher

“He told the Washington Post some years ago, that as a Christian politician, listen to this, he refused to be alone with a strange woman inside of a car. But apparently, being inside of a strange woman without a car that’s okay, that’s all good.” – Bill Maher

“They said his chief of staff, the guy who’s wife he was screwing, he threatened to go public unless Ensign, the senator, paid his mortgage. Apparently this guy had a big-ass house in Las Vegas. I know the economy is tough, but using your wife as collateral on your mortgage? That’s a new one, even for the Republicans. And how do you broach that? ‘Look, senator, I’m upside-down on my mortgage, you’ve been upside down on my wife…'” – Bill Maher

“President Barack Obama spoke on the phone with Lakers coach Phil Jackson and with Dan Bylsma, coach of the Stanley Cup-winning Pittsburgh Penguins. That’s cool. Yeah. And in a related story, Joe Biden had a conference call with Tito Jackson and an actual penguin.” – Conan O’Brien

“And finally, I’m saving the big story for last. Have you heard this? We are preparing for a big high seas showdown with North Korea. You heard that? They may be transporting nukes. We’re going to intercept their ships. It’s going to be fun stuff! That’s right, we’re going to be intercepting their ships. The winner of the round meets the Somali pirates. And the loser has to fight the Carnival cruise line.” – Bill Maher

“On Wednesday night, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton broke her elbow, so yesterday, she worked from home. Mm-hmm. Yeah, which explains why Bill Clinton spent the day in the backyard forming the words ‘Help Me’ with garden gnomes.” – Conan O’Brien

“And I think what’s interesting, is with all this going on in the world, the top news on the Fox News website was a recall of Tollhouse cookie dough. I’m not kidding. Forget Iran, forget healthcare, for the average Fox viewer, the most important question for them was, is my lard safe?” – Bill Maher

“In other news, the world’s oldest man died, he was 113, and a leading voice of the young Republicans.” – Bill Maher

© Tom Toles

In other news, big Pharma once again promises to lower the price of medicines sold to seniors. Can we be fooled again?

“Have you folks been following the Iranian elections? Well how about this Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? You know, he won, he has won the election now. And people are angry, and they’re demanding a recount. And as a matter of fact, the last unofficial account actually had Al Franken ahead. They’ve gone crazy.” – David Letterman

“A lot of turmoil in Iran right now over the recent presidential election. People protesting the election results have been avoiding the government media crackdown by posting messages on Twitter. The tweets declare that Ahmadinejad stole the election and that Jabeer is enjoying a lamb kabob.” – Conan O’Brien

“It has been reported that Twitter usage … is up a staggering 1300% since last year. 1300%. Yeah, folks, it’s hard to imagine that just one year ago, most of us had no idea what Wilmer Valderrama was having for lunch.” – Conan O’Brien

“And the Iranian government denies that there are crowds of protesters in the street. They’re out there, like 100,000 people in the streets of Iran protesting. But the government denies that protests are going on. They say it’s just citizens enjoying their new pedestrian mall.” – David Letterman

“Iran has been really cracking down on foreign journalists. So now, they’re actually preventing reporters from leaving their hotel rooms. And this, of course, leaves the journalists with nothing to do but order up sexy movies of women wearing slacks.” – Conan O’Brien

“Well, here’s more big news going on in Iran. You folks been following the Iranian elections? Well, here it is. It’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his opponent, Mir Hussein Moussavi. And they had one of those friendly bets. If Ahmadinejad wins the election, he gets a crate of figs, see. If Moussavi wins the election, he gets brutally slain.” – David Letterman

“So now they’re going through the recount. They’re recounting the ballots cast in the Iranian election, and today they found 14 more votes for Norm Coleman.” – David Letterman

“It’s illegal for rallies or demonstrations in Iran. But yet you turn on the news, and you see hundreds of thousands of people in the streets protesting, and the government says: ‘No, no, no. That’s not a public protest. Those are just people lining up to see ‘The Hangover.” – David Letterman

“Here’s the breakdown of the Iranian election: 63 percent of the vote for Ahmadinejad; Moussavi, he’s got 34 percent of the vote; and 3 percent of the vote goes to Ralph Nader.” – David Letterman

“People are suspecting that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s re-election may have been a sham because he’s claiming he won by a 2-1 margin. They’re also suspicious of Ahmadinejad’s claim that he’s dating Megan Fox.” – Conan O’Brien

“John McCain said on his Twitter feed, on Monday, that he’s buying a brand new Ford Fusion Hybrid. A year ago, McCain didn’t use a computer. Now he’s on Twitter and buying a hybrid. What’s going on? I think he’s like Benjamin Button. He’ll be a cute little baby.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Well, our old friend John McCain — and I think we should all follow this man’s example — bought a hybrid car. It’s not his first hybrid car. His first one was actually a horse and buggy.” – David Letterman

“Senator John McCain announced today that he bought a hybrid car. Apparently, McCain thinks a hybrid car is one that has AM and FM radio.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yeah, it’s a hybrid car. I hear this one runs on gasoline and Metamucil.” – David Letterman

“General Motors has sold the car company Saab to a European company that only produces about a dozen cars a year. General motors said, ‘It’s a perfect fit because we only sell a dozen cars a year.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The bad economy is affecting the numbers of available jobs. So, many new college graduates are choosing to spend a year volunteering at a nonprofit organization. These nonprofit organizations include Chrysler and GM” – Conan O’Brien

“President Barack Obama has been on TV more than Regis lately. He was all over NBC the week before last. Next week, he’s doing a two-hour, primetime town hall here on ABC. But if we didn’t want our President on TV all the time, maybe we shouldn’t have elected Oprah’s boyfriend.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama hard at work on the health-care situation. His new health-care bill proposal is so expensive, though, Democrats are looking for ways to trim it back. One plan is so drastic, it will only offer coverage for Jon and Kate plus three.” – Conan O’Brien

“But now, Barack Obama says that four of the Guantánamo prisoners are going to Bermuda. Same thing CBS is trying to do with me.” – David Letterman

“Don’t kid yourself. You’re thinking, Bermuda, tough, really? Yes, yes. Let me answer that for you. The prisons in Bermuda are no laughing matter. It’s a tough place: no flip-flops in the dining room.” – David Letterman

“This is a crazy story. Fidel Castro, the former Cuban dictator, has a son named Antonio. That’s not the crazy part. The crazy part — for eight months, Antonio Castro carried on an online affair with what he thought was a beautiful Colombian woman. That woman turned out to be a man, a Cuban activist who lives in Miami. It’s especially fun because the Internet is difficult to access in Cuba. To get online in Cuba, you know, you have to give — I think you have to give five fish to a guy who has ColecoVision hooked up to a 1958 Impala.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trouble here in New York City with Canada geese. And because they pose a threat to air travel in New York New York City is now at war with Canada geese. And Mayor Bloomberg is serious about this. He is so serious, he’s bringing in Dick Cheney.” – David Letterman

[These jokes are all about the ongoing feud between David Letterman and Sarah Palin.]

“Thank you very much. Welcome to the ‘Late Show’, ladies and gentlemen. Now, when I call your name, please come forward and pick up your apology.” – David Letterman

“Hi, everyone. I’m Jimmy, I’m the host of the show. Before we go any further, I want to just take a minute to apologize for some jokes I’m planning to make about the Palin family tonight. They are in extremely poor taste and I know that I will regret saying them.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I want to get through this as quickly as possible so you folks can get to the ‘Fire Dave’ rally.” – David Letterman

“It’s nice that people hate me who are no longer just part of my immediate family.” – David Letterman

“My son, you know, he’s telling everybody at school that his father is Conan.” – David Letterman

“Yeah, there’s a ‘Fire Dave’ rally going on outside, but I think it’s just about over because the last time I looked, they were breaking up and heading to Flashdancers. So I think it’s going to be all right.” – David Letterman

“But let’s focus on the good news. And the good news is that Sarah Palin has accepted my apology. And she also accepted a $500 gift certificate from LensCrafters. I thought that was a nice touch.” – David Letterman

“I’ll tell you, to be honest, I was quite nervous about this whole thing. And I was really nervous about an apology to Sarah Palin. So what I did to get my confidence up, to get my nerves to settle down, I rehearsed by apologizing to Tina Fey. That helped. That was a big help.” – David Letterman

“Barack Obama is closing down that Guantanamo Bay. Did you hear about this? And they had, like, 300 desperate, awful, nasty prisoners. And they say, ‘All right, well, they’re shutting it down, what do you do with those guys?’ I say, aw hell, bring ’em to the audience. Let ’em come and enjoy the show. Have a nice time. Participate in the rally.” – David Letterman

“He doesn’t know what to do with the Guantanamo Bay prisoners, and I was thinking, well, you know, if you want to keep ’em busy, just put ’em in charge of my hate mail.” – David Letterman

“Glad you people are here. Because yesterday, we had kind of a thing, and think about this — this was a little weird. Right here, we’re doing the show, right across the street on Broadway, they had the ‘Fire Dave’ rally going on. Yeah. I mean, it was a gathering of people who actually hate me. Now, at my house, we call that Thanksgiving.” – David Letterman

“And I just want to say a word of thanks to the great CBS television network. They’ve been wonderful through everything. But yesterday, I thought maybe they were just a little too eager to cash in on this whole thing with the rally. I mean, at the CBS store out on the corner, you know, they were selling highly flammable Dave Letterman effigies.” – David Letterman

“My family is taking me out to brunch on Father’s Day. I’m looking forward to the picketing.” – David Letterman

“But my son, God bless him. In school, he made me a very special Father’s Day gift. It’s a huge in-box for all my hate mail.” – David Letterman

“It’s been reported Marvel Comics is getting set to bring back Captain America. They’re going to do this as soon as they get a loan from Captain China.” – Conan O’Brien

“Tough times all over. Amusement park company Six Flags is filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Experts say it’s due in large part to their money-losing ride, Chrysler Mountain.” – Conan O’Brien

“Welcome to the ‘Late Show.’ I’m Dave Letterman, goodwill ambassador. I got a call from Mom earlier today and she told me she was siding with the Governor.” – David Letterman

“Honestly, how many of you are only here tonight hoping that I’ll offend somebody else?” – David Letterman

“Here’s good news for visitors. Times Square, have you been down to Times Square? It’s now — well, it’s now a pedestrian mall. They have 400 beach chairs in the middle of the street. And if you don’t get one of those beach chairs, well, I’ll lend you a bag of my hate mail. You can relax on that.” – David Letterman

“You folks know about Bernie Madoff? Oh, oh, I mean, most hated man in America. Me, Bernie Madoff. It’s right there. It’s kind of a one, two thing. He was way out in front ’til a couple of days ago. But the New York Times says his wife, Ruth, is the loneliest woman in New York City. Shunned by friends and neighbors. Well, tell me about it. – David Letterman

“Obviously, ladies and gentlemen, big, big news is from Iran right now. Incredible, three days of riots, street fighting, people setting fire to everything. I’m not sure who won over there, Ahmadinejad or the Lakers.” – Conan O’Brien

“How many of you folks are following the elections in Iran? Hard not to. It’s compelling. Well, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected and won by a landslide, ladies and gentlemen. And I, you know, I guess the voters couldn’t resist his good looks and charisma.” – David Letterman

“Well, the results from Iran’s presidential elections are in. And Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared victory. But his opponent, Mir-Hossein Mousavi, is claiming ballot fraud and wants an investigation. If that doesn’t work, he’s planning on making a documentary about global warming.” – Jimmy Fallon

“But there were problems with the ballots in the Iranian election. And who would have thought that? There was a mistake. Thousands of Iranians ended up voting for Pat Buchanan.” – David Letterman

“President Ahmadinejad is claiming that he won, causing a lot of controversy. Some people say that Ahmadinejad cheated a little bit. They’re now that saying weeks before the election President Ahmadinejad distributed 400,000 tons of potatoes to voters in rural areas. Who knew he’d be put over the top by the Iranian-Irish vote?” – Conan O’Brien

“But I hope they get this figured out. I hope it goes away soon, because the last thing we need is unrest in the Middle East.” – David Letterman

“But the guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, he’s very happy that he won. He was up all night shooting nuclear missiles into the air.” – David Letterman

“Iran had its presidential election. President Ahma-Dinna-Jacket was way behind in the polls. And then, lo and behold, he won big, everywhere — in big cities, rural areas, even in Florida.” – Craig Ferguson

“And then, after the elections, the supreme leader in Iran certified the election results and shipped the crooked voting machines back to Florida.” – David Letterman

“Election returns are kind of hard to believe. According to the numbers, both opposition candidates lost to Ahma-Dinna-Jacket in their hometowns. That’s like Barack Obama losing in the city of Chicago. I’m not, in any way, suggesting Iranian politics are as corrupt as Chicago, but even Blagojevich is like, ‘Oh, they’re good.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Because earlier, in the Iranian elections, it was a tie. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the other guy were tied, and now, couple a days later, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wins by a landslide. I don’t know. People are very upset. I mean, they sparked violent protests, calls for investigation, there is national outrage. Uh, wait a minute, that’s me.” – David Letterman

“In a major speech Sunday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called for the Palestinians to get their own state. Unfortunately, the state he offered them is New Jersey.” – Conan O’Brien

“Joe Biden said something interesting in an interview, just this weekend. Vice President Joe Biden said he still has his eye on the presidency, which is weird since the question was, ‘How do you take your coffee?'” – Conan O’Brien