Political Irony

“Yesterday, Dick Cheney said his lesbian daughter Mary has convinced him to support gay marriage. Pretty cool, yeah. Yeah. Cheney made the announcement after Mary was spotted waterboarding him.” – Conan O’Brien

“Former Vice President, current Wal-Mart greeter Dick Cheney, surprised everyone in a speech yesterday when he said that he supports a state’s right to legalize gay marriage. And it only took 11 seconds on the waterboard to get him to say it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Cheney also revealed that he has the largest Fabergé egg collection in the world.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Actually, Cheney has a gay daughter and he said that in his mind, freedom means freedom for everyone. And then he snarled and bit an infant, but I think it was an accident.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Then Cheney is on television yesterday. He’s giving an hour-long speech. In the speech, he’s defending waterboarding. I thought, boy, that’s a tough call — would you rather be waterboarded or listen to Cheney for an hour?” – David Letterman

“And then Dick Cheney said he supports same-sex marriage. And then he floated away in his house.” – David Letterman

“How about that Dick Cheney? Do you remember Dick Cheney? Now here’s a guy we didn’t really think much about until he goes hunting one day. And everything changed. I mean, he became Dick ‘Kaboom’ Cheney. He is now saying that Saddam Hussein had no connection with 9/11. Well, no harm done.” – David Letterman

“And Cheney now is criticizing the Obama Administration because they’re trying to close Guantanamo Bay. He says they don’t have a clear plan for closing Gitmo. That’s what Cheney says to the Obama Administration. And I was thinking, well, you know, Cheney is right, because that Iraq war thing was so well thought out.” – David Letterman

“Best of luck to President Obama, who just left for his five-day trip to Egypt and Saudi Arabia. And good luck to Sasha and Malia on their first keg party. Whoo! Of course, the kegs will be full of Mountain Dew.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s inviting Iranian government officials to the U.S. for our Fourth of July celebration. I guess the goal is to make them go: ‘Death to America — ah, ooh — ah, that’s nice. That one looks like a palm tree. I like the squiggly one.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Despite opposition from the public, President Obama says he’s determined to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. To make sure Guantanamo Bay closes, Obama said the new warden will be the CEO of General Motors.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hey, how about General Motors? Oh, my gosh. It’s crazy what’s going on. General Motors, bankrupt. Biggest corporation in the world and now they still want money. They still want billions more bailout money. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, ‘You want more money? Wait here while I talk to the manager. I’ll be right back.” – David Letterman

“What a tough week for General Motors. First the bankruptcy and then earlier today, I don’t know if you heard about this, Mr. Goodwrench eloped with one of the Pep Boys. That’s a true story.” – David Letterman

“You know about that North Korean madman dictator Kim Jong Il. Well, there’s word he may be letting go and stepping down. … I just heard that. And they think he could be replaced by his son, Kim Jong ‘W’ Il.” – David Letterman

“North Korea’s Kim Jong-Il selected his 26-year-old son, Kim Jong-Un, as the next leader of North Korea. The selection process went like this, ‘Hey, who’s up for a vote? Just kidding, my son’s going to do it. Come on.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“There is a big announcement in North Korea. Kim Jong Il has named his son as his future successor. A president’s son becoming president? That would never happen here.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Bush is back in the news. That’s right. In a recent interview, former President Bush said that no longer being president is a, quote, liberating feeling. Yep. That’s what he said, yeah. When asked what he’s been doing since leaving the White House, Bush said, ‘Learning the word liberating.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hey, there’s a big story out of Washington. The President went on a date. We haven’t seen this since the Clinton Administration. But this was different. The President went on a date with his wife.” – Craig Ferguson

“Over the weekend, Barack Obama took Michelle on a date. He and the First Lady flew to New York City, they had a fancy dinner and they went to see a Broadway show. Mr. President, I respect you, but knock it off! You’re making the rest of us look bad. Really, this is not the kind of change that I can believe in.” – Craig Ferguson

“Apparently, the Obamas’ date was fulfilling a promise Barack made to Michelle. He told her once the campaign was over, he’d take her to New York for dinner and a Broadway show. I like that, because it makes Obama seem like any other married guy, doing stuff he doesn’t want to do because he promised the wife.” – Craig Ferguson

“No straight guy really wants to see a Broadway show. Come on! Let’s just be honest. It’s true. I am sure Obama would rather give a sponge bath to Rush Limbaugh than see a Broadway show.” – Craig Ferguson

“Most Republicans aren’t unhappy with the date itself they’re just mad because it cost $100,000. They did their best to keep costs down, the Obamas. Well, they didn’t have to pay for a babysitter, because their older daughter watches the younger daughter and then the younger daughter watches Joe Biden.” – Craig Ferguson

“I’m kidding! They have their dog watch Biden.” – Craig Ferguson

“Joe Biden’s busy. Last night in New York City, Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech at a $1,000 a plate fundraising dinner. Yeah. Yeah, and since Biden spoke before dinner, everyone’s still waiting to eat.” – Conan O’Brien

“This was kind of cute. You remember when President Obama, before he was elected, he said if he won the election and they moved to the White House he would get the kids a doggie? They finally got the kids a doggie and it’s a Portuguese water dog and the dog’s name is Bo. Today President Obama is with the reporters. He’s running through the tricks that Bo does. And then Bo, to show you how smart this dog is, went and retrieved a tennis ball that was hidden in some ivy. Pretty good, huh? And then Joe Biden says, ‘Wait a minute. That’s my job. Come on. What am I supposed to do?” – David Letterman

“Gov. Schwarzenegger this morning said the ‘day of reckoning is here,’ but he said it with a funny accent, which means either he has a new movie called ‘The Day of Reckoning’ that’s here this weekend or we’re screwed. I’m not sure.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“They actually had to cancel summer school, because we have no money to pay for it. Most summer school programs in L.A. have been cancelled. It’s part of a new program they’re rolling out called ‘Leave No Child Ahead.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Not only are we out of money, we’re running out of water, too. Southern California is in the middle of another drought. The Department of Water and Power this week announced that you can only turn your sprinklers on on Monday and Thursday and that the fire department is only going to be putting out fires on Wednesdays and Saturdays, I think.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Tonight was the last ‘Tonight Show’ hosted by Jay Leno. Out of respect to Jay, I’d like to do the first joke he told on May 25th, 1992, when he took over the ‘Tonight Show. He said, ‘This, of course, is the ‘Tonight Show,’ the one TV program Dan Quayle hates even more than ‘Murphy Brown.’ That joke is about as topical today as it was back when he told it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hey, tonight, former presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton held a debate in Toronto. I wish I had one more day.” – Jay Leno

“Over the weekend George W. Bush — you remember George W. — and Bill Clinton, Bubba — you remember Bubba. They had a debate up there in Toronto, Canada. Up in Toronto. Yeah. The last time they were both in Canada, I think, was when they were trying to get out of Vietnam. Is that right? Do you remember? Something like that. I don’t know.” – David Letterman

“There were some tense moments yesterday here in Los Angeles with President Obama. A female reporter — you probably saw this on the news — carried, kicking and screaming, away from Air Force One after she insisted on handing President Obama a letter. They picked the woman up, forcibly, carried her away. Same thing they did when Joe Biden tried to get on the plane.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama was here in Los Angeles this week to bring his message of change to Hollywood. And, really, is there any place in America that loves change more than Hollywood? The place that brought you four ‘Terminator’ sequels, 10 ‘Police Academy’ movies and 29 ‘Star Trek’ films. This town runs on new and innovative ideas.” – Jay Leno

“Obama appointed a Latina to the Supreme Court this week. Sonia Sotomayor. Her background? Graduated first in her class at Princeton. Yale Law School, was a prosecutor, a sitting judge for 18 years, or, as conservatives call it, ‘unqualified.’ And, you know, her personal background, Puerto Rican, raised in the New York City housing projects. Will be played in a movie by Rosie Perez, or John Leguizamo in drag. One of the two.” – Bill Maher

“She’s, of course, being attacked by the right wing. A lot of the commentators saying she was wrong to say … that a wise Latina woman … with her experiences could be more often counted on to reach a better conclusion on issues than a white male without those experiences. Which prompted white males like Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh to go out and prove her point.” – Bill Maher

“What is so ironic about this is that this is why the Republican party is so in the wilderness right now, because it is a party where policy has been made for so many years by people who never had these kind of experiences. Real-life, real people experiences: Poverty, lack of health care, racism. I mean, the last time Rush Limbaugh talked to a Hispanic woman, it was his maid getting his drugs.” – Bill Maher

“Rush and his ilk have come up with a name for the first Hispanic on the Supreme Court that’s been 99% white men for 200 years, and that name is ‘reverse racist.’ She is a racist, and someone has to stop her, because for too long, white men have been kept down by powerful Puerto Rican women.” – Bill Maher

“But the best is the guy from the National Review, the bible of conservatives, a guy named Mark Kerkorian — yeah, like he came over on the Mayflower. That’s Armenian, I would guess. He says she’s not pronouncing her name right, … pronounces ‘Sotomayor’ accent on the last syllable. That’s not American. She should emphasize the first syllable. That would be a ‘natural English pronunciation.’ So whenever I refer to this guy, I’m going to, just to annoy him, emphasize the last syllable, and call him a ‘doucheBAG.'” – Bill Maher

“Please, I’ll correct this for everybody. The correct pronunciation is Sota-Mayor. Unless you’re a Republican, and then I believe it’s pronounced ‘Sodomizer.'” – Jon Stewart

“Hey, last night at a fundraiser in Beverly Hills, people paid $30,000 to attend a dinner and a discussion with President Barack Obama. The subject of the discussion? The struggling economy.” – Jay Leno

“Let me tell you something, if you spend $30,000 on dinner, aren’t you legally a Republican at this point? I think so.” – Jay Leno

“There were actually two fundraisers last night — a higher priced celebrity dinner and a second, cheaper dinner. See, that’s what I love about L.A. Even when we all come together as one nation to support our leader and face the most difficult challenges, you never forget that there’s always an A-list and a B-list.” – Jay Leno

“Actually, there was a performance by Earth, Wind & Fire, which ironically is also the Democratic energy policy — earth, wind and fire.'” – Jay Leno

“In fact, you know who was there? Kiefer Sutherland. I saw him down there. His job was to head-butt Joe Biden if he got near a microphone.” – Jay Leno

“Oh, you see that video online of the wind knocking down Joe Biden’s teleprompter at the Air Force graduation? See, that’s when you know you’re talking to too much — when even Mother Nature goes, ‘Shut up. Okay? Just shut up.'” – Jay Leno

“President Obama flew back to Washington this morning. And you can tell even he’s feeling the economic pinch. Show him leaving today. Here he is getting on the plane. Can we pull out? Look at the plane. Look, see? It’s Southwest.” – Jay Leno

“Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together in Toronto, on Friday, for a two-hour conversation, where George Bush plans on being the first person ever to lose a conversation.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The big story here in California — the Supreme Court has decided to uphold the ban on gay marriage. However, gay unions are still legal. See, that shows how little I know about this subject. I didn’t even know gay people had their own union.” – Jay Leno

“Well, actually, according to a new Gallup poll, 52% of people say they’re opposed to gay marriage, 45% of people say they’re in favor of it. That means the remaining 3% are for gay rights, they just hate going to weddings.” – Jay Leno

“The Illinois Senate passed a bill on Wednesday to legalize medical marijuana. The bill was passed after the state senator said, ‘Come on, dude, pass it. Come on.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“You could tell that the senators were determined that afternoon. They passed the same bill five times. They were just like: ‘Seriously, pass it again. That’s a pretty good bill.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has picked Federal judge Sonia Sotomayor as the Supreme Court nominee. So that means the Supreme Court will have seven men and two women. Like speed dating night at the Burbank Holiday Inn.” – Jay Leno

“Burger King is adding a new kids’ meal that’s lower in fat, sodium and calories. It’s called the ‘I Don’t Want That.'” – Jimmy Fallon

© Tom Tomorrow

© Rex Babin