Political Irony

“Of course, the really big news is what’s going on in Washington, and Obama opening the door, now, to prosecuting former Bush officials about torture, or, as they call it, severe interrogation procedures, which include waterboarding, sleep deprivation, forced nudity. We have outlawed all of these practices, although they are still challenges on ‘The Love of Ray-J,’ which is a television show.” – Bill Maher

“No, it is fun watching the Republicans trying to defend torture, because they insist that what’s wrong with the Democrats on this issue is they don’t get what it’s like in the ‘real world.’ And, to prove it, they cite Jack Bauer, a character from a television show.” – Bill Maher

“It’s interesting how the progression changes with the Republicans. First, when they talked about torture, it was, ‘Well, there’s just a few bad apples.’ Then it was, ‘Okay, we did it a couple of times.’ Then it was not really torture, and now, ‘it works’.” – Bill Maher

“They first said they tortured this Khaled Sheikh Mohammed — and by the way, if there’s anyone who deserved it, it was him — but first they said they did it once. Now it comes out 183 times that they waterboarded this motherf**ker in a month. This comes out to six times in a day. I would think after that, you get used to it. He was showing up at his torture sessions in flip flops and a beach towel, with a Danielle Steele novel. ‘Would you like sparkling or flat waterboarding today, sir?'” – Bill Maher

“Dick Cheney is all over television defending this. He said yesterday, he would be happy to undergo waterboarding himself, but his heart might rust.” – Bill Maher

“Dick Cheney is claiming torture works. And he says it’s okay that we do this, because it worked. Yes, it was ugly, but eventually what came out was good. Like Susan Boyle.” – Bill Maher

“George W. Bush and Bill Clinton have announced they’re going to have a debate. They already have a name for it — ‘Alienated vs. Predator.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Unemployment is continually rising, foreclosures are through the roof. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, ‘If this van’s a-rockin’, it’s because we live here now.'” – Bill Maher

“In economic news, ExxonMobil’s profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs.” – David Letterman

“Crime is down in New York City. Tomorrow criminals head down to Washington to request a bailout.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday President Obama hauled in the presidents of the credit card companies and said the days of tricky fine print and sudden rate increases and late fees are over. And he also demanded to know what kind of screwed up, cracker name was MasterCard.” – Bill Maher

“Obama was on the news today speaking about college spending. He’s proposing a new budget ” $15 billion for college loans, $20 billion for Ramen Noodles.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Are you ready for the next outbreak that isn’t really going to happen, but sounds really scary, so the media’s freaking out? Swine flu. Have you heard that? Yes, apparently swine flu has appeared in the U.S. This particular virus started in Mexico, and spread from pigs to humans. Probably during spring break. I’m sorry, have I offended pigs? I apologize.” – Bill Maher

“It’s World Penguin Day. Penguins are important. It’s true. Some say John McCain lost the election due to his resemblance to The Penguin from Batman.” – Craig Ferguson

“The White House was on lockdown because a small plane flew into restricted airspace. Say what you want, but Dick Cheney would have shot that thing down.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday was ‘Take Your Kid to Work Day.’ It used to be ‘Take Your Daughter to Work Day,’ but political correctness took over. Thanks to the economy, there’s a new special day for parents and kids – ‘Take Your Child to Where You Used to Work Day.’ This day shows that daddy and mommy didn’t always just sit around in their underwear.” – Jimmy Kimmel [Incidental note — a friend of mine works for a large company that — I’m not making this up — handed out layoff notices on “Take Your Kid to Work Day”. I can hear it now: “Daddy, why are you crying?” ]

Here’s a good (and calm) summary about what we do and don’t know about the swine flu. We do know that you can’t get it from eating pork.

© Jeff Danziger

“Well, as you know, President Obama’s been reaching out to Iran, reaching out to Cuba, reaching out to Latin America. The only place he can’t seem to be able to reach out to, Texas.” – Jay Leno

“Barack Obama was in Venezuela this weekend for the Summit of the Americas, and he shook hands with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Yeah, people are pretty upset about it. He’s a socialist dictator. You don’t shake his hand. Instead, you offer your hand, then pull it back and say, ‘Psych! Sucker.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“That evil Hugo Chavez from Venezuela slipped President Obama a book that is printed in Spanish. But President Obama does not read or speak Spanish. It would be like handing George W. Bush any book.” – David Letterman

“Despite Governor Rick Perry talking about how Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to, 75 per cent of the people who live there want to stay in the United States. Of course they want to stay. I mean, after spending all that time and effort sneaking across the border to get here, why would they want to leave?” – Jay Leno

“There’s been a lot of talk lately about lifting the trade embargo in Cuba. President Obama says he understands that a relationship that has been frozen for this long won’t thaw out overnight, to which Hillary said, ‘Tell me about it!'” – Jay Leno

“It’s hot here today in L.A. In fact, it was so hot, I called up the CIA and begged to be waterboarded.” – Craig Ferguson

“And amid much criticism, President Obama has released top-secret terror memos from the Bush Administration. According to the memos, President Bush authorized various forms of torture, including waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and of course, the fourth hour of the ‘Today’ show.” – Jay Leno

“And American hero, Captain Richard Phillips, who was recently captured by Somali pirates, flew home to Vermont over the weekend. Ironically, the movie on the plane: ‘Pirates of the Caribbean.'” – Jay Leno

“Congratulations to ‘The New York Times,’ which won five Pulitzer Prizes today, including one for breaking the call girl scandal that ended Eliot Spitzer’s career. And Spitzer won a prize for fiction, for the story he told his wife about the affair.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama met with his entire Cabinet today. Well, sure, now that April 15th has passed, they’ve all come out of hiding.” – Jay Leno

“Very exciting news. We have a Miss USA Her name is Kristen Dalton, and she is from North Carolina. She says she’s now looking forward to one day being the Republican vice presidential candidate.” – Jay Leno

“And a lot of people thought that Miss California lost the contest when she said she was opposed to gay marriage. So, apparently, she forgot who the audience is who watches beauty pageants.” – Jay Leno

“It’s ‘Green Is Universal’ week here at NBC and we’re part doing our part here at ‘Late Night.’ In fact, the whole monologue tonight is recycled from Friday’s show.” – Jimmy Fallon

© Walt Handelsman