Political Irony

Pay to Sleigh

Saturday, December 13, 2008

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“Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is now in federal custody on corruption charges. The governor, they say he conspired to sell the U.S. Senate seat held by Barack Obama. Remember he left it vacant? He was trying to sell it to the highest bidder. Yeah, now, I don’t want to say he was brazen about it, but he did it on eBay.” -Jay Leno

“He’s facing jail time, which will be a switch. In federal prison, he’ll be going to the highest bidder. See, it’s totally different now.” -Jay Leno

“The governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, was arrested in Chicago of charges of trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat, which I guess is, like, totally illegal. … It was a very stupid thing to do. Especially since the last governor of Illinois is currently in prison for exactly the same kind of thing. And not only that, think of it, you’re in Chicago, you have Barack Obama’s seat for sale, don’t you go directly to Oprah? Who would pay more for Barack Obama’s seat than her?” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Here’s a great story, because we had some trouble with our governor a couple of months ago, Governor Spitzer. Well, now, the governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, has been arrested. He wanted $150,000 to name somebody to replace senator Barack Obama as the senator from Illinois. Isn’t that crazy? Yeah. One count of bribery, also one count of fraud, and also one count of blagojeviching.” -David Letterman

“This morning, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the FBI because he was trying to sell the Senate seat being vacated by Barack Obama. Blagojevich says he’s sorry he tried to sell the seat and extremely sorry he did it on Craigslist.” -Conan O’Brien

“Now folks, the word ‘jag-off,’ it gets thrown around pretty casually in today’s society. Perhaps a little too casually. Hey, the light’s green, jag-off. Hey, what are you two jag-offs in the Yankee hats? Why did CBS take the show ‘Jag’ off? What kind of jag-off would do that? But a lot of those people aren’t really jag-offs. Some are jerks, or d***s or j***-offs. It’s a real privilege to see a true jag-off in action. Take Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. … This man has nothing to hide, except perhaps whatever is written on his forehead. My guess is it’s something like ‘bribe me.'” -Jon Stewart

“Spitzer was a lot more fun and a lot easier to say, too. Yeah, when former New York Governor Elliott Spitzer heard about Governor Blagojevich, he said, ‘Hey, you call that a scandal? No, I don’t think so. At least when a New York governor goes down, he has some fun on the way. ‘” -David Letterman

“Shocking news out of Illinois today. Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested on corruption charges, including the allegation that he was selling Barack Obama’s vacant senate seat. Now, I personally am surprised Obama even needed a seat. I thought he just levitated.” -Stephen Colbert

Obama

“Well, President-elect Barack Obama and his family are gonna spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. And you know who couldn’t be more thrilled with this? The press, the reporters who follow the president. Well, think about it. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii!” -Jay Leno

“And earlier today, President-elect Obama and Vice President-elect Biden met with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change issues. Obama, Gore and Biden. So, you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most boring speaker of our lifetime and the guy who speaks non-stop for our entire lifetime. All together in one room.” -Jay Leno

“Latest rumor in Washington is that President-elect Barack Obama may open up trade with Cuba. This is great news for anyone looking to buy a black-and-white television.” -Conan O’Brien

“Barack Obama says he is promising not to smoke cigarettes while in the White House. I don’t know. Is that a big issue for the American people? … Let me tell you something, okay? If he fixes the economy, he can smoke a bong in the White House.” -Jay Leno

Politics as Usual

“Voters in Louisiana on Saturday kicked out of office Democratic Senator William Jefferson. You remember this guy? Remember the guy who was indicted last year for having $90,000 in bribe money, in cash, in his freezer? Well, the voters kicked him out of office. How ironic is that? The only politician in Washington who actually saved some money. He had money left. Make him treasury secretary. Put all our money in the freezer!” -Jay Leno

“This is a weird story. Fran Drescher’s in the news. Fran Drescher, who starred in ‘The Nanny,’ says she wants to be appointed to Hillary Clinton’s senate seat. Unfortunately, the seat has already been promised to Mr. Belvedere.” -Conan O’Brien

“I love New York City, especially at the holidays. And speaking of the holidays, today, Sarah Palin went out and shot a Norway spruce.” -David Letterman

The Economy

“But, you know, when the Big Three CEOs went to Washington, they said, ‘We’ve got to have $25 billion.’ Congress said, ‘You know what? Wait right here. Let me go to the back and talk to the manager.'” -David Letterman

“Our government right now is still trying to work out a bailout for the auto industry. Yesterday, President Bush said, ‘It’s hard to tell if a deal with the automakers is imminent.’ Then Bush said, ‘It’s also hard to tell if the big hand’s on the 11 or the 12.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Well, it looks like the Big Three auto makers are going to get some bailout money. But the CEOs, these guys, they have promised when they get the bailout money, they can’t use it to give themselves big, big year-end bonuses. They said, ‘Well, no, of course not. That’s what the employee pension funds are for.'” -David Letterman

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Given the way the campaign was run, this is not a surprise

Friday, December 12, 2008

A Fox News reporter goes to the McCain-Palin headquarters in Arlington VA where they are selling off the old office equipment, and buys a used Blackberry phone that has a dead battery. When she charges the phone, she discovers that it has over 50 private phone numbers and two months of internal campaign emails.

Curious, the reporter calls a few of the phone numbers. One of the people who answers said “Somebody made a mistake. People’s numbers and addresses were supposed to be erased.” Another says “They should have wiped that stuff out. Given the way the campaign was run, this is not a surprise.”

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Support an Executive

Friday, December 12, 2008

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Late Night Political Humor

Thursday, December 11, 2008

“Economy not looking good. Some bad job numbers. Employers cut over 500,000 jobs. This is the worst job loss in 34 years. The only bright side, at least Bush is losing his.” -Jay Leno

“This weekend, at a Kennedy Center Awards ceremony, Barbra Streisand kissed President George W. Bush. Yeah. The ultimate liberal kissed President George W. Bush. Yeah. Afterward, Bush said, ‘Who was that guy?'” -Conan O’Brien

“And insiders say that President Bush and his wife, Laura, have already bought a home in Dallas, Texas, to move into after they leave the White House. And if this turns out to be true, this would be the first time in his presidency he’s actually had an exit strategy.” -Jay Leno

“You can tell President Bush has been living in public housing a little too long. Like, when a reporter asked him if he was looking forward to escrow he said, ‘You know, I don’t like snails.'” -Jay Leno

“President-elect Barack Obama was on ‘Meet the Press’ yesterday. And he told the American people the economy was going to get worse before it gets better. That’s what he said. It’s going to get worse. See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election, ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘Change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed, good night, thank you! It’s going to get worse!'” -Jay Leno

“Let me just say a word about these jokes that I am telling right now, ladies and gentlemen. Like President-elect Obama says, ‘It’s going to get worse before it gets better.'” -David Letterman

“Oh, and Barack Obama, you know, he smokes cigarettes. But he’s promising not to smoke cigarettes in the White House, which I think is good. I think that’s really good, because we all know what happened to the last president who used tobacco products in the oval office.” -Jay Leno

“Here’s something that is funny and also serious and not so funny at the same time but mostly funny. Barack Obama smokes cigarettes. And he has tried to quit. And he quit but every now and then he’s got to –you know. It’s hard to break old habits but it can be done. For an example, a couple of years ago, President Bush quit working. So, it can be done.” -David Letterman

“But the President-elect says that he still will smoke occasionally. And I remember on Election Day when he smoked John McCain, so it’s true.” -David Letterman

“But Obama says that sometimes the urge is so strong he really can’t control himself and he just has to have one. And he — no, wait, that was President Clinton. That’s a different deal.” -David Letterman

“Well, the Big Three, as you know, are not selling as many cars and they have got to pay those big union payments. So they went to the government looking for some of that sweet Federal bailout money. But instead of the bailout, they should apply for farm subsidies, you know, because of all the lemons they produced over the years.” -David Letterman

“And this is true. This year, the Treasury Department is holding its annual holiday party inside something called the cash room. You know what that is in Washington, the cash room? That’s a big room where the Treasury Department holds all its cash it has on hand. Of course, these days it’s empty, so plenty more room to party.” -Jay Leno

“How about this Barack Obama, President-elect Barack Obama. Bush ought to take his last two months worth of paychecks and give them to Barack Obama, because he’s working harder than the President. He’s come up with a great initiative to create 2.5 million jobs for Americans. Kind of the catch is we all have to move to China.” -David Letterman

“Everybody in Detroit right now is hoping for a bailout for the auto industry. All of Detroit’s consumed with this. And true story, it was in the news, this Sunday. In Detroit, a church put an SUV on stage in order to pray for a miracle for the Big Three automakers. And apparently, there was a miracle. Someone bought the SUV. At factory price.” -Conan O’Brien

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The 10 Worst Predictions for 2008

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

#1 and winning a special award is William Kristol, who at the end of 2006 boldly predicted that Hillary Clinton would be president and that “Barack Obama is not going to beat Hillary Clinton in a single Democratic primary”. Then, after Obama took Iowa, he completely flip flopped and predicted that Clinton would lose New Hampshire, saying “There will be no Clinton Restoration.” Wrong again.

#2 is Jim Kramer on Mad Money in March of this year, responding to a reader’s question “Peter writes: ‘Should I be worried about Bear Stearns in terms of liquidity and get my money out of there?’ No! No! No! Bear Stearns is fine! Do not take your money out. … Bear Stearns is not in trouble. I mean, if anything they’re more likely to be taken over. Don’t move your money from Bear! That’s just being silly! Don’t be silly!”

#3 has Dennis Blair (who some expect to be Obama’s director of National Intelligence) and Kenneth Lieberthal, predicting that oil tankers are safe because “only a naval power of the United States’ strength could seriously disrupt oil shipments.” Just a few months later, Somali pirates in inflatable rafts hijacked a Saudi oil tanker carrying 2 million barrels of crude oil.

#4 is Donald Luskin in the Washington Post in mid-September claiming that “anyone who says we’re in a recession, or heading into one — especially the worst one since the Great Depression — is making up his own private definition of ‘recession.'” Just one day later, Lehman Brothers went bankrupt.

#5 is from The Economist, who one week before Kenya’s presidential election ran an editorial praising the quality of the country’s democracy and predicting it might “set an example” for the rest of the continent. The botched election ignited a month of rioting and ethnic bloodshed that left more than 800 dead and 200,000 homeless, not to mention the government delegitimized.

#6 is from BusinessWeek, who got just a little too excited about Michael Bloomberg entering the presidential race. “His multiple billions and organization will impress voters—and stun rivals. He’ll look like the most viable third-party candidate since Teddy Roosevelt.” Instead, Bloomberg decided to sit this one out.

#7 is from scientist Walter Wagner, who predicted that turning on the Large Hadron Collider could create a black hole that would likely destroy our planet. Unluckily for him (but good for us) it was turned on in September, and we’re still here.

#8 is Goldman Sachs oil analyst Arjun Murti, who ruined his formerly stunning predictive powers by saying that $150-$200 barrels of oil were likely. Oil peaked at $147 less than two months later and is down to around $40 now, and still declining.

#9 is Charles Krauthammer on Fox News, predicting that Russia would replace the government of Gorgia with a puppet government. They didn’t. Krauthammer followed up this bad prediction by claiming that the Ukraine was next on Russia’s hit list.

#10 is Henry Paulson, who in mid-November said “I believe the banking system has been stabilized. No one is asking themselves anymore, is there some major institution that might fail and that we would not be able to do anything about it.” Shortly afterwards, Citigroup’s stock plunged 75% in one week.

Read the entire article in Foreign Policy.

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Olbermann on the Bush Legacy

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

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Donuts to Dollars

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

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Late Night Political Humor

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

“What a difference a couple of weeks makes. Remember last month, the three auto company heads flew to Washington in private jets looking for their bailout? Remember they own the private jets? Well, this time, the three CEOs drove in their own hybrid cars; 520 miles they drove in their own hybrid cars. See, you know what I think the government should have done here? Make it like ‘The Amazing Race,’ you see? You drop these guys off, no money, no transportation, give them some tools, they have to build a car. First one to Washington, they get the bailout.” -Jay Leno

“In fact, do you know what the highest-paying line of work is in America right now? Jury duty.” -Jay Leno

“Hey, did you see that picture on the front page of USA Today yesterday of Arnold Schwarzenegger shaking hands with Barack Obama? Didn’t it look like one of those ads for one of those bad buddy action movies from the ’80s, you know? ‘He’s a strongman from Austria. He’s an African-American from Chicago. They fight crime; they’re ebony and ivory.'” -Jay Leno

“President Bush and his lovely wife Laura have purchased a new home in Dallas, Texas, worth $2 million. See, this is where President Bush has outsmarted everybody. People underestimate this guy. Five months ago, you would have had to pay $10 million bucks for that house, but thanks to his economic plan, he got it at a bargain. The man is a genius!” -Jay Leno

“How does that work when the president applies for a home loan? Like, when they do a credit check, do they include the trillion-dollar deficit?” -Jay Leno

“It looks like Barack Obama has been giving jobs to all the Democrats who ran against him for president. You’ve got Joe Biden, he got vice president. Hillary Clinton, secretary of state, Bill Richardson, he ran against him, he got commerce secretary. And today, he even hired Dennis Kucinich to play the elf at next year’s White House Christmas party.” -Jay Leno

“And, according to the New York Times, former president Bill Clinton says he is open to the possibility of a role in the Barack Obama administration. Well, actually, what he said was, he was looking for a desk job. I don’t know what that means.” -Jay Leno

“Barack Obama announced Wednesday that New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson is his choice for secretary of commerce, which should be an easy job, now that there isn’t any.” -Seth Meyers

“The head of Regal Entertainment says as the recession gets worse, more people are coming to the movies. Because nothing helps you forget your troubles like a $5 Sprite” -Seth Meyers

“The runoff in the Georgia Senate race was won this week by Saxby Chambliss, who is the incumbent Republican senator and not, as I believed, an obscure font.” -Amy Poehler

“Some bad economic news today. They estimate more than a half a million Americans lost their jobs last month. Unemployment is now at 6.7 percent, that is the highest since 1993. In layman’s terms, that means almost one in ten Americans know what it’s like to be K-Fed.” -Jimmy Kimmel

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The first Vietnamese-American in Congress

Monday, December 8, 2008

On Saturday, a series of unlikely circumstances resulted in Louisiana electing the first Vietnamese American to Congress. Anh ‘Joseph’ Cao defeated nine term Democrat William Jefferson. Among the things that are interesting about this campaign:

Cao is a refugee from the Vietnam War who came to the US as a child, and whose father spent seven years in a North Vietnamese prison camp. He has no prior political experience.
Jefferson is under indictment on extensive corruption charges — he is the owner of the infamous freezer with $90,000 in “cold” cash — but he was widely expected to win reelection anyway.
Cao’s win was helped by an act of God. If not for Hurricane Gustav this election would have been held on the same day as the presidential election, when strong turnout among African-American voters likely would have pushed Jefferson to victory.
Jefferson himself was the first African-American to represent Louisiana in Congress since Reconstruction.
The Democratic Party is probably happy to have lost this election, as Jefferson’s corruption trial is supposed to start in early 2009.

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Pay to Sleigh

Late Night Political Humor