Political Irony

© Garry Trudeau

The Obama Transition

“The Obama transition team has leaked that his top choice for homeland security chief is Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano. Her first job? Find out who leaked her name.” -Jay Leno

“Well you know what’s really strange? If she gets this job, she would be the first official to take the job overseeing homeland security working for a guy — if he wasn’t president — whose name would probably be on the no-fly list. ‘Barack Hussein Obama? Yeah, step off to the side, please. Thank you.'” -Jay Leno

“And how out of it is President Bush? Today, they asked him what he thought about Napolitano; he said, ‘It’s delicious, especially the strawberry part.'” -Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama’s offer to become secretary of state. That’s what they’re saying in the New York Times. Yeah, according to Bill Clinton, this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said ‘yes.'” -Conan O’Brien

“A New York elementary school became the first school in the country to be named after Barack Obama. Yeah, that’s very nice. Yeah, unfortunately, no one likes their team’s new nickname, the Fighting Husseins.” -Conan O’Brien

The Economy

“The three auto companies in the United States, they’re all scrambling to come up with a plan, some way to reinvent themselves. Well this week Ford did its part. Ford unveiled a new hybrid, the Ford Fusion, which will get almost 40 miles to the gallon. Isn’t that amazing? Yeah, and when asked how much it would cost, a spokesman for Ford said, ‘$25 billion.’ They just want that money; they don’t care. That’s without mud flaps.” -Conan O’Brien

“General Motors announced they are selling two of their private jets. The bad news? They’re being bought by the executives at AIG.” -Jay Leno

“Well, it doesn’t look as if the U.S. automakers are going to get their bailout money. Congress said yesterday they were concerned about giving the Big Three automakers money just to keep making the same stupid mistakes. And, believe me, when it comes to making the same stupid mistakes, Congress knows what it’s talking about.” -Jay Leno

“In an editorial this week, Mitt Romney said we should let Detroit go bankrupt. He feels the car industry is not worth bailing out. The only industries that Romney would bail out? The tanning booth industry, tooth polishing industry and hair dye industry. Everything else can pretty much go to hell.” -Jay Leno

“See, the problem for the automakers is there’s not a big demand for their cars right now. Here’s how you fix that: You get Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, get them back on the highway crashing into people, okay? This would create a demand for new cars, and they will all be back in business again.” -Jay Leno

“You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It’s bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They’re laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain.” -David Letterman

“But, no, they’re not going to have department-store Santa Claus, so if you take your kids in there, you’ve got to give your list to the girl who sprays you with perfume.” -David Letterman

“U.N. officials said today they desperately need $7 billion to help people cope with disasters, but they’re having a hard time getting people to send rescue money. Here’s what the UN should do: Invest in bad mortgages, run a bank into the ground, give yourself a bonus, get some spa treatments and, in no time, the government will send you $750 billion.” -Jay Leno

“According to some statistics the government released yesterday, Mexican immigration to the United States has dropped 42 percent over the last two years. And you have to hand it to President Bush, he knew that the way to stop people from sneaking into the country, it’s not to build a fence or a wall, it’s to make this country very undesirable. Most illegal immigrants come here to make money, but now we don’t have any money anymore. That’s Number 43 for you, always thinking ahead.” -Jimmy Kimmel

Beyond the Palin

“Alaska Governor Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey, though she said she was amazed to find out that, besides being a bird, Turkey is also a country. Did you see that all over the internet today? While Sarah Palin was pardoning a turkey, right behind her was a guy slaughtering turkeys. … But, see, like most internet stories, a little half-true. Turns out that, after a couple of minutes listening to Sarah Palin’s voice, the turkeys said ‘Kill us now.'” -Jay Leno

“How about Sarah Palin? What a gal! Making a $7 million book deal. And she’s very excited because she claims she can see Barnes & Noble from her house. But she’s got a tremendous deal, and she got a great guy working on the deal: Joe the Agent. He closed the deal.” -David Letterman

“Thanksgiving, just around the corner. And you can tell it’s Thanksgiving ’cause I turn on the TV this morning, there’s ‘The Rachael Ray Show.’ You watch ‘The Rachael Ray Show.’ And, by God, there’s Sarah Palin stuffin’ a moose. But, you know, it’s a great time of year to help people less fortunate than we are. So this Thanksgiving, if you can, why not bring home a Lehman Brother?” -David Letterman

© Tom Toles

The Obama Pre-Presidency

“It’s Vice President-elect Joe Biden’s birthday today. And Barack Obama bought him 12 cupcakes for his birthday, which is a smart gift to give Biden because when his mouth is full of cupcakes he can’t say anything stupid.” -Craig Ferguson

“Yesterday was a nice day. Barack Obama’s daughters Malia and Sasha made their first visit to the White House. The girls were excited to see where they’ll be living, and President Bush was excited to finally have somebody to play hide-and-seek with.” -Conan O’Brien

“But there are some nice aspects during the transition period. For example, the Bush twins gave the Obama girls a tour of the White House. It was very sweet, but the Obama girls got really scared because they heard creepy organ music coming from Cheney’s underground lair.” -David Letterman

“And then the Bush twins grabbed a candle and took the kids on a tour of Cheney’s torture chamber.” -David Letterman

“Oprah Winfrey just announced that she’s planning to attend Barack Obama’s inauguration. Oprah says she’s very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world.” -Conan O’Brien

Politics As Usual

“Officials in Missouri have finally finished counting the presidential ballots, and they say that John McCain won that state. As a result, Sarah Palin now thinks she’s the Vice President of Missouri.” -Conan O’Brien

“John McCain announced today that he is beginning his 2010 senatorial campaign. And I’m thinking, wow! Two more years of a John McCain campaign, hey, cut me a slice of that!” -David Letterman

“President Bush has exactly two months left in office. His team is already hard at work packing his Legos for the long move back to Texas.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“But we’re coming out of the last few weeks, days of the President Bush Administration, and President Bush is changing a lot of laws so you’ve got to keep your eye on him. And what he’s doing now, one of the things that really upsets me, he’s taken a lot of things, a lot of stuff, off the endangered species list. Do you know what I’m talking about? Do you like endangered species? Well, so I do. I had one for lunch. But I’ll tell you, this taking things of the endangered species list is bad, it’s really bad. In fact, it is really bad news for that thing on Donald Trump’s head.” -David Letterman

“Ashley Dupre, the prostitute at the center of the Eliot Spitzer story — remember, the New York governor caught with the prostitute — giving an interview with Diane Sawyer on ABC tomorrow night. It will be on their new show, ‘Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition.'” -Jay Leno

“Well, here’s some exciting television news. Tomorrow night, Ashley Dupre, who was involved with former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, will be interviewed tomorrow night on ’20/20.’ Unless of course she has to rush back to Washington to fix the economy.” -David Letterman

“She’s in People magazine, Ashley Dupre. She wants to put it all behind her. Yeah. She says that when she told her mom she was a hooker, her mom was supportive. Really? How do you show you’re supportive of your daughter’s hooking career? What, do you have a bumper sticker sticker? ‘Oh, my daughter is a honor hooker at the Emperor’s Club.'” -Jay Leno

“Ashley Dupre said she was sorry for the pain she caused Eliot Spitzer’s wife. She said she felt connected to her. You know, maybe if she hadn’t been connected to her husband, none of this would have happened.” -Jay Leno

“Actually, there’s one awkward moment during the interview. While she was talking to Diane Sawyer, Governor Spitzer called in and said, ‘How much for the both of them?’ That was really awkward.” -Jay Leno

Bailout Bonanza

“The auto executives for the Big Three are being criticized now, because, before they asked Congress for billions of dollars, they all flew to Washington in private jets. Yeah, separately, in private jets. In their defense, the executives said, ‘We would have driven, but our cars only get three miles to the gallon.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Executives of General Motors, Ford and Chrysler testified on Capitol Hill, trying to get a $25 billion loan. President Bush was against the loan until Dick Cheney whispered in his ear, ‘Cars use oil.'” -Jay Leno

“Today, Congress demanded a business plan from the three automakers before they’d even consider giving them taxpayer money. A business plan? How come we didn’t get to see a business plan before Congress gave away 750 billion of our dollars?” -Jay Leno

“I’ve got an idea. How about this idea? Instead of giving $25 billion to the car companies, give it to us, with the provision it can only be used to buy a Corvette. They get the money, everybody back to work, and we all get a new car!” -Jay Leno

“In case you didn’t hear, the economy is having a going out of business sale right now. The Dow took another major dive today. It lost 443 points. That adds up to 873 points over the last two days. The Dow is dropping so frequently they have decided to just add an ‘n’ to the end of it.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“International maritime officials say 39 ships have been hijacked by pirates this year on the high seas. See, luckily, we don’t have pirates in America that rob and plunder. We just have CEOs.” -Jay Leno

The Bailout Continues

“The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money.” -Jay Leno

“The three C.E.O.s made a huge mistake today. You may have seen this — they each flew to Washington in their own private jet to ask for $25 billion bailout. Even A.I.G. executives are going, ‘What are you thinking?'” -Jay Leno

“Auto executives, the Big Three, are asking Congress now for bailout money. Yeah. Hey, don’t kid yourself. Things are getting desperate, and if they get any worse, these guys may have to trim their $10 million bonuses.” -David Letterman

“Earlier today, the heads of GM, Ford, and Chrysler appeared together in front of Congress to ask for a $25 billion bailout. And here’s what’s interesting. When asked what they would do with the money, all three of them said, ‘Buy a new BMW.'” -Conan O’Brien

“That’s the big debate in Washington, now, whether to bail out Detroit automakers. Because if they went under, we’d lose millions and millions of jobs. You know what we need to do? And this is what I think would work. We need to get Oprah to buy everybody a car again, that would turn this thing around!” -Jay Leno

“They each took their own private jet that cost $20,000 round trip. And here’s the sad part, today the Japanese announced they have a jet that costs half that and gets better mileage.” -Jay Leno

“Do you like those al Qaeda guys? They’re creepy, aren’t they, those al Qaeda guys? And they’re taunting us now. And this guy, al-Zawahiri, he’s like the second guy in charge, he released one of those wise guy, smart-alecky audio tapes. In it, he condemns the United States, just flat, right across the board. And at the end, he wants to know if he can get some of that sweet Federal bailout money.” -David Letterman

Obamapedia

“Sociologists believe that nine months after election day, there could be thousands of Obama babies born, ’cause a lot of people celebrated a big victory by having sex. But, you know, they act like this is new. This is not new. In fact, you know, John McCain was a Lincoln baby.” -Jay Leno

“Once he becomes president, Barack Obama will not be allowed to use his Blackberry, or even his email anymore for, security reasons. Obama says, even if he can’t email, he still wants to be the first president to have a laptop on his desk in the Oval Office. See, Bush thought he had a laptop. Turns out it was just an Etch-a-Sketch.” -Jay Leno

“Because he’s a kind of a techno guy, the press is calling Obama the first wired president. As opposed to President Bush, who was the first wiretap president.” -Jay Leno

“The big rumor yesterday was that Barack Obama would select Hillary Clinton to be his secretary of state. Now it seems like that might not be the case and there are a lot of theories as to why. But maybe the best indicator that she might not take the job, apparently this morning, Bill took down his e-Harmony page.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“The word is that Hillary Clinton does want the job as secretary of state. And as you know, the secretary of state serves at the pleasure of the president, to which Bill said, ‘Yeah, that will be a first.'” -Jay Leno

“Are you excited about Hillary Clinton? It looks like she’ll be named Secretary of State. They’re talking about that. And she’ll also receive the home version of the presidency and some other wonderful prizes.” -David Letterman

Politics as Usual

“And the longest-serving Republican senator, Ted Stevens of Alaska, was just convicted of seven felonies. He’s on his way to jail, lost his Senate race in a squeaker, a squeaker. Which, ironically, is what they call the new guy in prison.” -Jay Leno

“The annual People magazine ‘World’s Sexiest Man’ issue is on the stands today. Hugh Jackman, ‘sexiest man alive.’ But this is odd — Al Franken is demanding a recount.” -David Letterman

“Eliot Spitzer’s call girl, remember her? She’s being interviewed on ’20/20′ this Friday. And she told ’20/20,’ no matter how long the interview lasts, even if the interview’s only 15 minutes, they still have to pay for the whole hour.” -Jay Leno

World Affairs

“Pirates from Somalia hijacked a Saudi Arabian super tanker full of oil and are holding it for ransom. You know what you call someone who hijacks a ton of oil [and] holds it for ransom? Anybody know? Exxon Mobil.” -Jay Leno

“Is it chilly outside today? I’m telling you, coming to work today, it was so cold, I was shaking like Sarah Palin taking a geography test.” -David Letterman