The Presidential Pooch
“President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?” -Jay Leno
“Barack Obama and his family are still looking for a dog for the White House. I hear the Beverly Hills Chihuaha is on the short list. They are looking for a pet that does not shed. So I’m thinking that rules out that thing on Donald Trump’s head.” -David Letterman
“Actually, President President Bush had some good dog advice for the president-elect. Bush advised him to get a dog that’s easy to train. Bush said it took almost eight years to get Barney to bite that reporter.” -Jay Leno
“The last one to be leashed and neutered in the White House was Bill Clinton in his second term.” -David Letterman
The End of an Error
“But the Bushes are packing up. This is eight years they’ve lived in the White House, and this is interesting. They’re going to be gone in January, and the $4 billion moving contract went to Halliburton.” -David Letterman
“People in the publishing industry are starting to speculate that President Bush is gonna write a book after he leaves office. Yeah, and by write, they mean draw.” -Conan O’Brien
“Earlier in the week, you know, this is historic when you think about it, you had President-elect Barack Obama going to the White House for a tour with George Bush, president inept. Not much of a tour. At one point, George Bush pointed out the window and said, over there, that’s where we play t-ball. And that was it.” -David Letterman
“It’s official. For the next four years, it will be pronounced ‘nuclear’.” -Seth Meyers
“President Bush visited Wall Street yesterday, nothing to do with the economy. He just wanted to see something that had dropped more than his approval rating.” -Jay Leno
Great Expectations
“According to CNN, Barack Obama’s popularity going into office is higher than Clinton’s, Reagan’s or either of the President Bush’s when they entered office. It’s much higher. Well, hang on, hang on. That’s on CNN. On Fox, he’s somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning.” -Jay Leno
“President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don’t want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama’s new slogan? ‘Maybe We Can.'” -Jay Leno
The Transition
“The big rumor in Washington is that Barack Obama is considering Hillary Clinton to replace Condoleezza Rice as his secretary of state. How about that, huh? That would make Hillary the new white rice, I guess.” -Jay Leno
“Big changes, of course, in store for the Obama family. They’ve been writing about when Barack Obama’s daughters, Malia and Sasha, move into the White House, they’re gonna have to get used to having a chef cook all their meals. Yeah, the White House chef is furious about the kids. And he said, ‘Great, four more years of making Spaghettio’s and chicken fingers.'” -Conan O’Brien
“And this coming Monday, Barack Obama is going to have a meeting with John McCain. They’re going to get together. McCain’s still being a little stubborn. He insisted it be a town hall meeting.” -Jay Leno
“Barack Obama met with Hillary Clinton on Friday to see if she would be interested in a role in his administration. ‘Of course,’ said Hillary. ‘I’ll take president.'” -Seth Meyers
“Vice President-elect Joe Biden met with Vice President Dick Cheney. And you know, you’d think there’d be animosity, no, no. Vice President Cheney was very nice. In fact, Cheney even sent his own personal ambulance to pick him up.” -Jay Leno
The Economy
“In a speech about the economy, President Bush said, ‘Our actions are having an impact.’ Yeah, I think it’s called a recession.” -Jay Leno
“Americans say they are planning to do a lot of their holiday shopping this year at warehouse stores like Costco. Beause, folks, nothing says Merry Christmas like 90 rolls of toilet paper.” -Conan O’Brien
“Well, it looks like Guantanamo Bay is going to be closed. Hey, that shows you how tough times are, when even terrorists are losing their homes.” -Jay Leno
The Republicans
“The Republican party is considering naming the first African-American chairman in their party’s history. Isn’t that incredible? That’s big news. First African-American, yeah. Yeah, unfortunately, Republicans are having a hard time finding an African-American who’s white.” -Conan O’Brien
“John McCain was once again campaigning yesterday. This is true. This time for a Republican senator who’s facing a runoff election. So, McCain is out there stumping for him. And you can tell McCain’s a little bitter about his defeat because, instead of saying, ‘my friends,’ he now says, ‘my ungrateful bastards.'” -Conan O’Brien
Yet More Sarah Palin
“Sarah Palin this week was on her ‘You’ve Got to be Kidding Me’ tour. She did more interviews than she did during the campaign, this week. She was on Matt Lauer, she was on Greta Van Susteren, Wolf Blitzer, Larry King. She would have done this show, she said, but there was a scheduling conflict. Either that, or it was because I called her a retarded stewardess.” -Bill Maher
“They asked Palin on Fox if she was going to run for president in 2012, and she said, and I’d like to quote this directly. She said, ‘I’m like, okay God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I want. I always pray. I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door.’ Even Britney Spears is at home going, ‘You dumb s**t.’ Yeah, and you know what Sarah, if God leaves that door open, don’t let it hit you in the ass, okay, honey?” -Bill Maher
