Political Irony

Sweet.

The Campaign

“Earlier tonight, Barack Obama had a half-hour television special. Did anybody happen to see it? It’s a lot of money, ladies and gentlemen. Don’t kid yourself. A half-hour, prime-time network television. I mean, it costs a lot of dough. And they say it was the most money spent by a Democrat for a half an hour since Eliot Spitzer.” -David Letterman

“This is exciting. Earlier this evening, Barack Obama’s 30-minute infomercial appeared on three of the major networks. Fox, CBS and NBC. And, of course, NBC was thrilled to be considered a major network. We haven’t had that in years!” -Jay Leno

“And of course, this Barack Obama appearance was historic for our network. Did you know this? This is the first time a black man has appeared on NBC in prime time since Bill Cosby.” -Jay Leno

“Big night of television tonight for Barack Obama. Earlier tonight, Barack Obama aired a half-hour infomercial to attract more voters. Yeah. Yeah, and apparently, if you watched the entire infomercial, Barack threw in a free set of Ginsu knives for you.” -Conan O’Brien

“And while CBS, NBC and Fox were showing the Barack Obama ad, ABC was showing ‘Pushing Daisies,’ which I believe is the name of the McCain ad, if I’m not mistaken.” -Jay Leno

“Do you like John McCain and Sarah Palin together? It’s fun to see them. They remind me of a couple of cruise ship grifters. McCain looks like the old guy taking his secretary to Las Vegas, doesn’t he a little bit?” -David Letterman

“Sarah Palin, she’s running Alaska, and now she’s the vice presidential candidate, and everybody got very excited about the campaign, and she really sort of energized the whole thing. But listen to this, they now say that there may be some friction between John McCain and Sarah Palin. Yeah, and staffers suspected that there was something wrong when McCain started referring to Sarah Palin as ‘that one.'” -David Letterman

“A moment in history. It was on this day in 1846 that the Donner party left for California. You know what happened there. Everything went wrong. They wound up eating each other, kind of like what’s going on in the McCain campaign right now. Although the press continues to say there are problems between John McCain and Sarah Palin, today Palin denied there was any dissension between her and McCain. And she said she’s also agreed to keep him on the ticket, so I don’t know.” -Jay Leno

“I tell you, though, not looking good for McCain. Not looking good. In fact, today he went down to IKEA, because I think he realized this could be his only chance to put together his own cabinet.” -Jay Leno

“During a speech earlier today, Barack Obama accidentally mixed up his black sitcom characters. He said that Wheezy from ‘The Jeffersons’ was a character on ‘Sanford and Son.’ That’s true, yeah. And just like that, folks, the election is wide open.” -Conan O’Brien

“Think about it. Just six days from today, we’ll know for sure exactly which candidate will be suing the other for voter fraud.” -Jay Leno

Politics

“Yesterday, in Washington, I don’t know if you heard about this, the Secret Service arrested a man who climbed over the White House fence. True story, yeah. Yeah, the Secret Service told the man, ‘Get back here, Mr. President. You have two more months.'” -Conan O’Brien

“And President Bush [is] preparing to leave the White House. That’s a big job after eight years, of course. Of course, on the bright side, not a lot of books to pack up.” -Jay Leno

“Alaska’s Senator Ted Stevens has been found guilty on all seven felony counts of accepting over $250,000 worth of gifts and services from a contractor. But he says he will not step down and he will win re-election. Don’t you love how these guys have no shame? In fact, have you heard his new slogan, ‘Vote for Stevens, a man of convictions.'” -Jay Leno

“A Massachusetts Democratic state senator named Dianne Wilkerson has been arrested for accepting $23,000 in bribes. She was going to use the money for her re-election campaign. And the FBI has actual pictures of her stuffing the $23,000 in her bra. … Isn’t that great? Talk about putting together a campaign war chest.” -Jay Leno

Sarah Palin

“Sarah Palin made three campaign stops today: Saks, Nieman Marcus and Bloomingdales.” -Jay Leno

“I guess you know this story. She took a lot of heat this weekend about how much money was spent on her wardrobe. She defended herself today. She said everything she’s wearing now she bought with her own money in Alaska. I believe her. … I’m not Alaskan, but open-toed snow-shoes? Is that common?” -Jay Leno

“I guess there seems to be some trouble brewing between Sarah Palin and John McCain. McCain aides say that Sarah Palin is ‘going rogue’ and not taking advice or notes from the McCain campaign. They say it is hard to keep her from going off script and making statements that hurt the campaign. It’s gotten so bad, her Secret Service codename is now ‘Joe Biden.'” -Jay Leno

“That’s the big story, that Sarah Palin has stopped taking advice from McCain and is only looking out for herself. But does that surprise anyone here in Los Angeles? That happens all the time out here. An old guy pulls hot chick out of obscurity, buys her a lot of expensive clothes, introduces her to a lot of famous people. She gets bored with him and stabs him in the back. Moves on. Happens all the time.” -Jay Leno

Ted Stevens

“Alaska Senator Ted Stevens has been convicted on seven counts of fraud, corruption. And Republicans are relieved, because at least it didn’t involve an airport men’s room. But Alaskan authorities were tipped off by Russians, who had been watching with binoculars.” -David Letterman

“You know what, justice system? Do your worst to Ted Stevens. Throw the book at him. Sentence him to solitary. Nothing is going to break this man! Because he knows that he has what it takes to be pardoned by President Bush. But, listen, Senator Stevens, if you do end up in prison, try sneaking out through the internet. After all, it really is just a series of tubes.” -Stephen Colbert

Alaskan Republican Senator Ted Stevens has been found guilty on all counts of taking over $250,000 worth of goods and services from a contractor to do some work on his house. Of course, Stevens still doesn’t get it. Like today, he said if he goes to prison, could he get a bay window? He knows a guy who could do it.” -Jay Leno

“You know the saddest thing about this whole Senator Stevens thing? He’s an 84-year-old white guy. If this hadn’t of happened, he probably would have been the Republican nominee in 2012.” -Jay Leno

The Campaign

“The good news for John McCain, new polls in key battleground states show him with a comfortable lead over Ralph Nader.” -Jay Leno

“Republicans are warning voters right now that if Barack Obama is elected president, the Democrats will control all three branches of the government. That’s what they’re saying, yeah. John McCain said this would be dangerous, Dick Cheney said it would be expensive, And Sarah Palin said, we have three branches of government?” -Conan O’Brien

“Senator Joe Biden lost his voice on the campaign trail yesterday. Turns out a hair plug got stuck in his throat.” -Jay Leno

“After hearing about him endlessly in the last debate, Joe the plumber back in the news. Earlier today, Joe the plumber officially endorsed John McCain. That’s right, yeah. However, Joe insists that his first love will always be toilets.” -Conan O’Brien

“One week to go. One week from today, the election. As a matter of fact, earlier this morning, they, down in Florida, unloaded the crooked voting machines. So they are in midseason form.” -David Letterman

“A large percentage of voters have already voted using early voting. Which is smart for older voters in Florida who aren’t sure if they’ll still be alive by next Tuesday.” -Jay Leno

“Now, this is interesting, Barack Obama is now encouraging his supporters to take election day off so they can help him get out the vote. Yeah. And a lot of Americans said they were already planning to take that day off, because they don’t have a job.” -Conan O’Brien

“Here’s how it works. Election is Tuesday. And then Wednesday is the first day of Sarah Palin’s 2012 campaign.” -David Letterman

The Economy

“Are you all getting ready for Halloween? The good news is, with the economy so bad, people don’t have to work as hard to make their houses look scary. The lights are out, the windows are boarded up, the lawns not cut. Everyday is Halloween in America now.” -Jay Leno

“On this very date in 1929, the stock market plunged 13%. Boy, those were the good old days, huh?” -David Letterman

“According to a new poll, women are more pessimistic about the economy recovering than men. You know why? Because men are in charge of the economy.” -Jay Leno

“In Pontiac, Michigan, five bodies and the cremated remains of 22 others have been evicted from a funeral home. Evicted! That’s when you know the real estate market’s bad, when you’re dead and they still foreclose on you.” -Jay Leno

“According to the U.S. Department of Transportation, Americans drove 15 billion fewer miles in August than they did the year before. To which President Bush said, ‘See, that’s one of the advantages of not having a job to go to.'” -Jay Leno

“Financial experts say that the economic crisis has cost $2.8 trillion dollars. That’s such a huge amount of money. It’s hard for people to visualize how much that is. Let me put that in terms you understand. $2.8 trillion is enough money to buy Sarah Palin clothes for a year.” -Jay Leno

© Tom Tomorrow

The Campaign

“Just one week left to go in this election. It’s amazing, isn’t it? To give you an idea, do you realize that when this whole thing started, John McCain was just 47 years old?” -Jay Leno

“After his big speech in North Carolina today, Senator Joe Biden said he was experiencing a sore throat and lost his voice. Boy, the good news doesn’t stop for Barack Obama. Just one lucky break after another.” -Jay Leno

“As you know by now, Colin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama for president, which is bad news for John McCain, because at his age, he has enough colon problems.” -Jay Leno

“Political pundits say Colin Powell is the biggest political figure to endorse Barack Obama since Bill and Hillary. And the only one of those three that will actually vote for him.” -Jay Leno

“And Ralph Nader, God bless him, still out there campaigning. Ralph Nader said today he has set a record for the most campaign speeches given in one day. He gave 21 speeches in one day. Of course, we have to take his word for it, because of course, there are no witnesses.” -Jay Leno

“Well, political experts say that John McCain’s only chance of winning the presidential election next week is to attract swing voters. Unfortunately, McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller.” -Conan O’Brien

“Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama’s lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘quit.’ He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.” -Stephen Colbert

“John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That’s what he said. I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities.” -Jay Leno

Sarah Palin

“Alaska’s largest newspaper has endorsed Barack Obama despite the fact that their governor is Sarah Palin. Luckily for Palin, it’s one of the 500 newspapers she doesn’t read.” -Conan O’Brien

“With Halloween coming this weekend, they say not one person in the country is planning to dress up as Governor Sarah Palin. You know why? … The costume costs $150,000.” -Jay Leno

“It was disclosed that the Republican party spent $150,000 on clothes and makeup for Sarah Palin to try and make her look better. Why? She looks fine, doesn’t she? We’re better off spending that money trying to make McCain look a little bit better. She looks great. Leave her alone. Do something for him.” -Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on clothes, but she has an even higher tab at LensCrafters.” -David Letterman

“Don’t get me wrong. Sarah Plain is a very frugal woman. In Alaska, she makes all of her clothes out of pelts.” -David Letterman

“But Sarah Palin doesn’t shop at low-end stores. As a matter of fact, she thinks Old Navy is John McCain’s nickname.” -David Letterman

“Yesterday in Florida, Elisabeth Hasselbeck of ‘The View,’ she appeared onstage with Sarah Palin. She’s a big supporter. Elizabeth’s speech was interrupted by hecklers, who police later identified as Whoopi, Barbara, Joy and Sherri.” -Jay Leno

Ted Stevens

“The longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska’s Ted Stevens, found guilty just a few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house. Yeah, here’s the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the plumber. Unlicensed.” -Jay Leno

“Guilty on all charges. Stevens is 84 years old. He could get three weeks or life, whichever comes first.” –Jay Leno

Iran

“Iran’s president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is apparently ill, rumored to be ill. And he’s in the hospital today. And his condition has been downgraded from serious to ugly.” -David Letterman

“But they say Ahmadinejad is exhausted from overwork. And you know, thank God that will never happen to George Bush.” -David Letterman