Political Irony

© Tony Auth

“After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born.” -Jon Stewart

“Hey, did you see [Barack Obama] playing basketball with our troops in Iraq? Did you see that one shot he made from 40 feet? 40 feet. Let me tell you something. If shooting baskets now is a requirement to be president, a white guy may never have that job again.” -Jay Leno

“Barack Obama is very popular in the Middle East. I guess a lot of people over there saw the cover of the New Yorker.” -Jay Leno

“This is Barack’s third day in the Middle East, and President Bush says he has no timetable for bringing him back home.” -Jay Leno

“John McCain called a press conference today. Unfortunately, all the press were out of the country covering Obama. You know … I feel kind of sorry for McCain. I mean, all day on TV, they show nothing but footage of Barack Obama touring the Middle East, being with the troops in Afghanistan, meeting with troops in Iraq. The only time I saw McCain on TV was when Willard Scott wished him a happy birthday on the ‘Today’ show.” -Jay Leno

“A lot of people think, to take some of the spotlight off of Barack Obama, that John McCain will announce his vice presidential choice this week. And most think it’s gonna be Mitt Romney. See, I don’t know. You know, when Romney and McCain stand together, doesn’t it look like one of those slick Countrywide lenders trying to trick your grandfather into reverse mortgage?” -Jay Leno

“Barack Obama is behaving very presidentially now. He’s in the Middle East, and he met today with the leaders of Israel and Jordan. And not to be outdone, earlier today, John McCain was in the park playing checkers with Ed Koch.” -David Letterman

“NBC News defended their coverage of Barack Obama. They’ve been accused of giving him more favorable treatment than John McCain. And today NBC News denied it. They said, ‘That’s ridiculous, we’ve never even heard of John McCain.'” -Jay Leno

“But people in the Middle East, you know, they love this Barack Obama, and I think the reason that they love the guy is because finally, [there’s] a guy who can pronounce Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.” -David Letterman

“John McCain … said that the problem is that the border between Iraq and Afghanistan — they share a common border, that’s what he was saying. Mistakenly said that Iraq and Afghanistan have a common border, and I thought, well, no wonder we can’t find Osama Bin Laden — we’ve been searching an imaginary border.” -David Letterman

“Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is calling the Bush presidency a total failure. Total failure. I don’t know, I think he’s done okay. I think he’s done okay if you don’t count Iraq, the economy, the environment, Afghanistan, the mortgage crisis. I think he’s done all right…” -David Letterman

“The deficit. Gas prices. Hurricane Katrina. Illegal wire tapping…” -David Letterman

“The national debt. Tainted food. Failure to catch bin Laden. CIA leaks. Other than that, I think it’s been pretty good” -David Letterman

“Barack Obama was in Israel today. Did you see Barack wearing the traditional Jewish yarmulke? He looked very Jewish. Yeah. In fact, Jesse Jackson said, I’d like to circumcise him.” -Jay Leno

“Nation, lately, all the economic news has been bad. First, the government had to prop up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. It is our own fault for naming our lending institutions after the starts of ‘Hee Haw.’ Then there was Indymac, the third-largest bank failure in U.S. history. Without Indymac, where will indie bands put all the money they’re not making? Folks, it’s getting so these days I’m keeping all my assets under my mattress, which is fitting, because I’m heavily invested in old Playboys. Most disturbing of all, last week, the dollar hit another record low against the Euro. The Euro is now worth $1.57. To put that into perspective, that’s more than a dollar.” -Stephen Colbert

We, in Ireland, can’t figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can’t seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who is married to yet another lawyer!

Now…On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate ‘Mc’ terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship!!

What in God’s name are ya lads thinkin over in the colonies!

“President Bush went on to say, today there are no short-term solutions to the energy crisis. Apparently, there are no second term solutions either.” -Jay Leno

“Human rights activists have sent a letter to President Bush, asking him to raise human rights issues with the Chinese government during the Olympics. Unfortunately, they also sent a letter to the Chinese government asking them to bring up human rights issues with President Bush. So, it’s pretty much a wash.” -Jay Leno

“The military trial of Osama bin Laden’s driver begins today. Do you know what they got him for? Breaking the new cell phone hands-free law. Yeah, we got him! How do you catch bin Laden’s driver and not bin Laden? What, is he hiding down under the seat in the back of the car? Didn’t the guy pick him up every day at his house?” -Jay Leno

“Hey, do you like celebrity birthdays? Here’s one, Senator Larry Craig from Idaho. Do you remember Senator Larry Craig? Happy Birthday, Senator Larry Craig. 63 years old on Sunday. So happy birthday. He has a big party planned. Earlier today, he shoved invitations under all the stalls. But if you are going to Larry Craig’s birthday party, it is easy to find the party, just look for the airport men’s room with the balloons” -David Letterman

“Yesterday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi referred to President Bush’s time in office as ‘a total failure.’ Yeah, Bush defended himself saying, ‘Oh, come on, I’ve hardly spent any time in my office.'” -Conan O’Brien

“John McCain’s economic adviser Phil Gramm has quit the campaign. The official reason: he was a whiner and all his problems were mental.” -Jay Leno

“Experts say gas prices should fall by up to three cents a gallon over the next week. Three cents a gallon, how about that? Well, this is just in preparation for gas rising to $8 a gallon by Labor Day.” -Jay Leno

“A religious group at Southern Methodist University says they are opposed to having a George W. Bush think tank. Not on religious grounds, just logic.” -Jay Leno

“I’ll tell you how hot it was today in the Northeast. It is so hot today that Vice President Dick Cheney replaced his pacemaker with an icemaker. Honest to God. So hot today in New York that former governor Eliot Spitzer was dating a girl named Margarita.” -David Letterman

“Well, Nation, you’ve all heard the news. Jesus has returned to earth on a spaceship, cured cancer, and won the British Open. Did no one hear about that? Oh, maybe it’s because Barack Obama decided to go backpacking overseas with a couple of his friends. You probably know his friends by their professional name: The entire media. Yes, they’ve all taken the next 10 days to find themselves on Barack Obama’s Elitist Summer Abroad.” -Stephen Colbert

“So far the only gaffe of the trip belongs to Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki. When speaking to a German magazine, Maliki said that he supported Obama’s plan to draw down troops over the next 16 months. Saying, quote, we think it would be the right time-frame for a withdrawal. God, Maliki is so naive about Iraq. One presumably stern phone call later, and U.S. Centcom released a statement from the Iraqis claiming that al-Maliki had been mistranslated by the German magazine, because, as you know, there is one thing Germans are known for: sloppiness and lack of precision” -Jon Stewart