“John McCain and Barack Obama are bickering, and you know what they’re bickering about? What to do when they catch Osama bin Laden. That’s right. Obama wants to bring him to trial, but John McCain wants to shoot him. Both really good ideas. And I said to myself, guys, guys, how about somebody finding him first? Let’s do that.” -David Letterman
“Last night, President Bush held a celebration at the White House honoring jazz. … Yeah. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, ‘This is great. It’s just like being in an elevator.'” -Conan O’Brien
“According to a Pentagon report this week, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the U.S. arsenal are lost and cannot be located. We can’t even find our own weapons of mass destruction! Anyway, the Air Force, in their defense … said today, there’s a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it. Which would be okay if you’re talking about a pair of lost sunglasses.” -Jay Leno
Do you like good news? President Bush has ordered now — it’s official — has ordered his troops now to find Osama Bin Laden. Yep boy, he really jumped on that one, didn’t he?” -David Letterman
“Barack Obama’s wife Michelle, have you noticed she’s making the rounds now? You notice when you turn on the TV, she wasn’t as visible before, but now she’s everywhere. Yesterday on ‘The View,’ I don’t know if you saw that, Barack Obama’s wife Michelle did the fist-bump with all the co-hosts. She did that, yeah. And then she said that the fist-bump is the new high-five. That’s what she said. Yeah, after hearing this, John McCain asked, ‘What the hell is a high-five?'” -Conan O’Brien
“President Bush went to Iowa today. Really, what’s the hurry? Don’t want to make the Katrina people jealous. No, he wanted to show Iowans that disaster is difficult, but it can be overcome. Of course, people from Iowa were a little confused. They weren’t sure which disaster President Bush was talking about, the floods, or his presidency.” -Jay Leno
“President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally. So it’s kind of a wash” -Jay Leno
“In a recent interview, President Bush said that he might not be the last President Bush if his brother, Jeb, decides to run. Yeah, when he heard this, Jeb said, ‘Please stop reminding everyone we’re related. Shut up!'” -Conan O’Brien
“Barack Obama says that he will visit Iraq, or as John McCain still calls it, Mesopotamia. … Barack Obama announced this week he’ll visit Iraq and Afghanistan before the election in November. He said he wants to see an area that’s been overrun by violent extremists. So, sounds like he already misses his old church.” -Jay Leno
“Well, a new poll shows that less than 1 out of 4 Americans now think President Bush is doing a good job. 1 in 4. So that means when President Bush is having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he’s the only one at the table that thinks he’s doing a good job.” -Jay Leno
“President Bush says he plans to publish a book once he leaves the White House. We have an advanced copy here. This won’t be out till January. It’s ‘Iraq on $100 Million a Day.’ It’s a travel book.” -Jay Leno
