Political Irony

[Jokes from Oct. 14-17, 2016]

“Donald Trump is telling his supporters the voter turnout will be manipulated by the Democrats on November 8th. Then again, this is coming from the guy who said, ‘Make sure you get out and vote November 28th.'” – James Corden

“Donald Trump tweeted that the ‘election is absolutely rigged by the dishonest and distorted media pushing Crooked Hillary — but also at many polling places. Sad!’ Yes, even at polling places, the election is being rigged against Trump. I heard that on Nov. 8th, millions of ‘riggers’ will be behind curtains in private booths, and with a secret ballot, collude to defeat Trump.” – Stephen Colbert

“Trump has tweeted multiple times about the media rigging the election, and he’s right. From day one, the media rigged this election — in favor of Donald Trump. You can’t turn on the TV without seeing Trump. He’s like the Geico gecko, but more cartoonish.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump, you really have to hand it to him, I don’t think I’ve been this interested in a show since the first season of ‘Lost’. Every week, a completely new twist. We’ve gone from Mexicans to Muslims, little hands to Lyin’ Ted, Megyn Kelly to Melania’s speech, Crooked Hillary’s health to Billy Bush’s bus. Now he’s saying the election is rigged, even though it hasn’t happened yet.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The election continues to be insane. Ever since the tape of the Billy Bush Locker Bus came out, Trump has been fending off attacks like a woman meeting Donald Trump.” – Stephen Colbert

“As you know, Trump is being accused of sexual misconduct by a slew of women. Of course, that is a case of ‘he said’ and ‘she said, she said, she said, she said, she said’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The final debate will take place next week in Las Vegas. So, Trump insisted that everything that happens there stays there.” – Jimmy Fallon

“No matter what happens on November 8th, or the 28th, or whenever the election is happening, Trump apparently has a contingency plan — because now it seems Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner is in talks to create a Trump media network. Could you imagine Trump being on your TV 24 hours a day? That would be like — well, it would be like right now.” – James Corden

“It means Billy Bush is going to be back on TV in no time.” – James Corden

“This will probably be a news network. Trump News: It’s for people who love the news but feel like it’s not being yelled at them loud enough.” – James Corden

“Trump said that he wants to ‘give back to the country’ he loves. Then people were like, ‘There’s always that OTHER way to give back to your country — Pay your taxes!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“On Saturday, Trump said that Hillary might be using drugs to help her performance in the debates. Remember what she said about her debate strategy: ‘When they go low, we get high.'” – Stephen Colbert

“Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager said that based on early voting, they expect this election to have the largest voter turnout in American history. That’s right, more people than ever will go to the polls for their chance to say, ‘Ugh, I guess…'” – Jimmy Fallon

[Jokes from Oct. 13, 2016]

“After that ‘Access Hollywood’ tape came out, a number of prominent Republicans called for Trump to drop out. But now, because of the pressure from the ‘Trump-ublican’ base, some of those who denounced him say they’re still planning to vote for him. They essentially un-unendorsed him so as not to anger those who might vote for them.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This is putting a lot of Republicans running for re-election in a tough spot. If they support him, they lose a lot of moderates, but if they don’t, they lose the rest. It’s like they found themselves in a ‘Saw’ movie just before Halloween.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump spoke at a campaign event in Florida today where he once again said Hillary Clinton should be locked up. Well, Donald, if it’s any consolation, it looks like the election is locked up.” – Seth Meyers

“We are 25 days away from the election and Donald Trump is burning up like a meteor entering the atmosphere. Five women have come forward this week to claim he behaved inappropriately with them, touching, etc., including a reporter from People magazine and former pageant winner. Which is very bad news for his campaign. The good news is, he just got an offer to be the spokesman for Jell-O pudding. – Jimmy Kimmel

“During a rally in Florida yesterday Donald Trump boasted about his plans for ISIS and said he will ‘be their worst nightmare.’ Oh, wow, so he’s also running for president of ISIS?J” – Seth Meyers

“I got a personal email from Mr. Donald J. Trump who offered me an exclusive Trump Presidential Black Card. For a one-time initiation fee of $35, you can get a card that has no benefits or rewards whatsoever. A black card? Is this how he’s reaching out to the black community, with the card?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s also a Trump Gold Card. That’s $49. So you can get the elite Black Card for $35, or the even less exclusive Trump Gold Card for $14 more. There’s finally a card that’s more embarrassing to carry than Discover.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“How did Donald Trump get my email address? I bet the Russians had something to do it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The third and final debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is coming up in Las Vegas next week, and Hillary’s holding a contest where the winner gets to actually go watch it in person. Everyone was like, ‘Yeesh, what does the loser get?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The best email that’s been leaked so far claims that Hillary met with rapper Q-Tip last year to discuss how to appeal to hip-hop fans. The big takeaway for Hillary: Whatever you do, don’t try to rap.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I guess the meeting with Q-Tip really affected Hillary because afterwards, she actually came up with some rapper names for herself. First, she tried Lil’ Wheezy. Then she tried Run DNC. And finally, she tried Wiz Deleeta.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has only 100 days left in office. Obama was like, ‘I just can’t wait to get home to Kenya.'” – Seth Meyers