Political Irony

[Jokes from Nov. 1, 2016]

“Donald Trump still hasn’t released his tax returns. Twelve women have accused him of sexual assault, and he’s going on trial for fraud for Trump University in November, but now the only thing the media is talking about is emails. It’s like if during the O.J. trial, everyone was focused on whether or not the Ford Bronco had up-to-date registration.” – Seth Meyers

“The polls are tightening. The latest ABC News/ Washington Post poll has Donald Trump moving ahead of Hillary Clinton by one point as enthusiasm declines. Though, to be fair, any time Trump gets close to a woman, enthusiasm tends to decline.” – Stephen Colbert

“A memo from a veteran spy says that Vladimir Putin has been supporting Donald Trump for five years. After hearing this, Trump said, ‘Oh my God, I forgot it was our anniversary! What do you get for five years? I hope it’s not CHINA?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The election is just one week from today. So I guess in one week, we’ll know if Donald Trump is our next president — or if Hillary Clinton rigged the election.” – Jimmy Fallon

“For the first time in their 111-year history, Variety has endorsed a presidential candidate — Hillary Clinton. That’s right, the magazine named Variety said, ‘Let’s have a second President Clinton!'” – Stephen Colbert

“The 2016 presidential election is in exactly one week! One weak Republican, and one weak Democrat.” – Seth Meyers

“Mark one’s calendar because Election Day is but one week away. Seven days. Enough time to tell your family you love them and make your peace with God. As the captain of the ‘Titanic’ once said, ‘This is not a drill.'” – Stephen Colbert

“That’s right, there’s exactly one week until Election Day, and this is probably a bad sign, but that’s where the calendar just stops.” – Seth Meyers

“Ted Cruz posted a photo on Twitter last night of himself dressed as the Phantom of the Opera for Halloween. Said trick-or-treaters, ‘Aggh! We can still see half your face!'” – Seth Meyers

“While hosting their final White House Halloween party yesterday, first lady Michelle Obama actually told the kids, ‘Hey! Candy for everybody!’ Then Barack looked around and was like, ‘OK, who’s that in the Michelle Obama costume?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Democratic contributor Donna Brazile has resigned from CNN after WikiLeaks revealed she leaked a primary debate question to the Clinton campaign. Turns out the question was about lead poisoning in Flint, Michigan. So, finally, someone lost their job over Flint.” – Stephen Colbert

[Jokes from Oct. 31, 2016]

“After claiming the election is rigged, Donald Trump said at a rally last week that the country should, quote, ‘Just cancel the election and give it to Trump.’ And then on Friday, FBI director James Comey said, ‘OK.'” – Seth Meyers

“On Friday, FBI Director James Comey sent a letter to Republican lawmakers saying he has found new emails that may be involved in the Hillary Clinton email scandal and that the FBI plans to investigate. Donald Trump has been caught on tape admitting he gropes women and yet the election has turned back to emails.” – James Corden

“The emails the FBI are investigating actually came from the computer of Anthony Weiner. Anthony Weiner is, of course, the politician who was disgraced for sending naked pictures to, well, just about everyone. Of course a Weiner was going to get in the way of the first female president in the White House.” – James Corden

“These Hillary email scandals brought Anthony Weiner back into the news. Here’s a question nobody is asking. Anthony Weiner is Jewish, right? Right? So, does this scandal make him a Hebrew National Weiner?” – Jimmy Fallon

“The FBI found the emails while investigating illicit messages sent to an underage girl by Clinton aide Huma Abedin’s estranged husband and es-strange guy Anthony Weiner. Apparently, they found them while searching his laptop. Dear God, I hope they used gloves.” – Stephen Colbert

“It makes sense on the weekend of Halloween that Donald Trump’s campaign comes back from the dead for one final scare.” – James Corden

“Today was Halloween and right on cue, Hillary’s private email server came back from the dead.” – Seth Meyers

“This October surprise comes right as Secretary Clinton was riding high in the polls in the wake of sexual assault accusations against Donald Trump. Truly, for the Clinton campaign, horny men giveth, and horny men taketh away.” – Stephen Colbert

“On Sunday night, Trump supporters started using the hashtag ‘Hillary for Prison,’ but they were adding an extra ‘I’ so it read hashtag ‘Hillary for Prision.’ They thought that the correct spelling was being blocked by Twitter.” – James Corden

“The thing is, nobody who wants Hillary to go to jail can even describe to you why she should have to go there. They’re like, ‘because, you know, there was the email thing and — hashtag prision, man.’ Which makes me think that these people are ‘mor-ions.'” – James Corden

“Donald Trump told supporters last night that Hillary Clinton wants to bring 650 million immigrants into the United States within one week of taking office. Whereas if he wins, Canada gets 150 million immigrants.” – Seth Meyers

“A Trump supporter was arrested in Iowa last week for in-person voter fraud after she attempted to vote twice. She said the first vote was to make America great. And the second one was to make America great again.” – Seth Meyers

“There are just eight days left until the election. So if anyone’s still thinking of running, now’s the time.” – Seth Meyers

“According to a survey of over 40,000 Americans, candy corn was the most popular Halloween candy state by state. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups got the most votes overall. So basically, Reese’s got the popular vote and candy corn won the Electoral College.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“NASA’s early-warning asteroid intruder alert system spotted an asteroid as it passed by Earth last night, and I think I speak for all of us when I say, ‘Come back, asteroid!'” – Seth Meyers

Twitter user Josh Billinson has been tweeting (short) jokes he has been making up involving Joe Biden playing pranks on Donald Trump. Here are two examples:

Biden: “I left a Kenyan passport in your desk, just to fuck with him”
Obama: “Joe”
Biden: “Oh and a prayer rug in your bedroom. He’s gonna lose it!”
Obama: “Dammit Joe”

Obama: Did you replace all the toiletries with travel size bottles?
Biden: He’s got tiny hands Barack, I want him to feel welcome here

There are plenty more. They may be a bit silly, but we sure need something to laugh about.

[Jokes from Oct. 26, 2016]

“Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 69 years old today — while Donald Trump said, ‘The media is reporting that today is Hillary’s birthday, but a lot of people are telling me that it’s actually MY birthday. Rigged!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today is a special day, today is Hillary Clinton’s birthday. You could email her a birthday card, or just send it straight to WikiLeaks.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary’s birthday party is just like any other birthday party except when people yell ‘speech, speech,’ she charges them $250,000.” – James Corden

“Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 69 today. She made a wish, and then deleted the candles.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary’s press secretary posted a photo on Twitter of the staff surprising Hillary with a cake for her birthday. It was really fun — you could hardly tell that Hillary had spent two hours practicing her ‘surprised’ face.” – Jimmy Fallon

“We would be remiss if we didn’t start off by wishing Hillary Clinton a happy birthday. It must be tough being a close friend of Hillary. I mean, no matter what you get Hillary Clinton for her birthday, it will never be as good as the gift Billy Bush gave her.” – James Corden

“Bill Clinton is trying to figure out what his official title would be if his wife becomes president. Hillary has said that she likes the term first gentleman. She hasn’t been able to say it without laughing but she likes the term.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Bill has suggested first volunteer, first dude, and first laddie. If I had a vote I would go with the first lady’s man.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Hillary went to a fundraiser here in New York City that was attended by Stevie Wonder. And even Stevie was like, ‘Let me guess — loud pantsuit?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In an interview, Newt Gingrich accused Megyn Kelly of being more interested in sex than public policy. Then Kelly explained that everyone is more interested in sex than public policy.” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night, former Speaker Newt Gingrich was asked by Megyn Kelly if Trump is a sexual predator. Gingrich accused Kelly of being more fascinated with sex than public policy. First off, everybody is more fascinated with sex than public policy. If you’re not, there’s a pill for that now.” – Stephen Colbert

“Trump supporter Newt Gingrich last night accused Fox News’ Megyn Kelly of being ‘fascinated with sex’ by continuing to report on women accusing Donald Trump of inappropriate behavior. Newt, there’s a difference between being ‘fascinated by sex’ and being ‘horrified by sexual assault’. It’s kind of like Beyoncé and Rihanna — everyone knows the difference except old white men.” – Seth Meyers

“But the thing is, Megyn ‘Kelly File’ isn’t talking about fun-time, bedroom whoopee-making. She’s talking about assault. Wait, unless Newt doesn’t know the difference? Maybe no one gave him the talk. Hold on, let’s do this: ‘Newt, sweetheart, you’re growing up so fast. In fact, you’re 73. Your body’s changing.'” – Stephen Colbert

“New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning is denying reports that he yelled out ‘Trump!’ to signal an audible during Sunday’s game. Manning said actually ‘Trump’ is a signal for ‘Illegal Use of Hands.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump was on the Herman Cain radio show yesterday criticizing, of all things, wind. He said he’s against wind turbines because they’re killing eagles and thousands of other birds. Like Bob Seger, he’s against the wind.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I happen to know why Donald Trump is against wind power and I’ll tell you, it’s not because it kills birds. Donald Trump is against wind because of what it does to his hair.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“We are 13 days from the election, and it is a hard time for those on board the Trump train because somehow, it hit an iceberg and is sinking.” – Stephen Colbert

“In an interview last night with MSNBC, Donald Trump’s running mate Mike Pence accidentally referred to Trump as his opponent. Which is ridiculous — everyone knows Trump is his own opponent.” – Seth Meyers

“Trump’s surrogates are doing just what the passengers on the ‘Titanic’ did — remaining calm on the ship and talking about how great it is.” – Stephen Colbert

[Jokes from Oct. 25, 2016]

“Donald Trump’s campaign has to be getting a little worried because of some of the new poll numbers. Even Trump himself actually admitted that he’s somewhat behind in the polls but not by much. But remember, this is a guy that thinks a million dollars from your dad is just a small loan.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Analysts are speculating that communication between Donald Trump and his campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, has become practically nonexistent. They say if she spoke to Trump any less, they’d be married.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, appeared on Trump’s new Facebook Live show and said Trump ‘unequivocally’ will win the election. So, look out, CNN! There’s a NEW often-wrong news channel in town!” – Seth Meyers

“It’s come out that Donald Trump has spent a large portion of his campaign donations buying copies of his own book, ‘The Art of the Deal.’ Trump supporters are angry that he misused their money, and even angrier that he bought a book.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, The New York Times published a giant list of everyone and everything Trump has insulted on Twitter since declaring his candidacy. Then they had to print a correction today after Donald Trump insulted the list itself.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump today criticized some of his Republican primary opponents for refusing to endorse him, saying, quote, ‘I don’t know how they live with themselves.’ Said his opponents, ‘We don’t. We live with our wives.'” – Seth Meyers

“A political science professor at SUNY Stony Brook claims he has developed a new mathematical model that predicts Donald Trump will win the election. Said Trump, ‘Mathematical model? She sounds ugly. Hard pass.'” – Seth Meyers

“A new report in Indiana has found that thousands of dead people are still registered to vote. Which explains why today, Donald Trump held four rallies and three séances.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence, threw a baseball to reporters today with a note saying that he’s rooting for the Cubs. And then the reporters turned the ball over and the other side said, ‘Help!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The government just announced that next year [Obamacare] premiums are going up by 25 percent. I haven’t seen Obama hike something so high since he stopped wearing mom jeans.” – Stephen Colbert

“And the next president clearly will have to come in and clean up this mess. Unless it’s Trump, in which case, all healthcare will be replaced by a ‘Dr. Oz’ episode about calf implants.” – Stephen Colbert

“WikiLeaks has been releasing emails from the Clinton campaign, because they’re committed to transparency — or however you say ‘transparency’ in Russian. Transparenchnik.” – Stephen Colbert

[Jokes from Oct. 24, 2016]

“On Friday, a massive cyber-attack brought down several websites for 11 hours, including Twitter. Experts say it was the best thing to happen to Donald Trump’s campaign in weeks.” – Jimmy Fallon

“On Friday, a cyber-attack shut down Amazon, CNN, and Twitter. Apparently, the cyber-terrorists shut down Amazon first, then Amazon suggested they may also like CNN and Twitter.” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump has received his first and only endorsement from a major newspaper — the Las Vegas Review-Journal said that Trump does not represent the danger his critics claim. Which is not exactly a ringing endorsement. That’s like a restaurant review that says this place probably won’t even give you food poisoning.” – James Corden

“Over the weekend in Gettysburg, Donald Trump told a crowd that as soon as the election ends he will sue the women accusing him of sexual misconduct. It’s being called ‘the second greatest Gettysburg Address in history.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Speaking of Donald Trump, his son Eric was out on the campaign trail, and a lot of people online noticed that Eric was photographed at an In-N-Out Burger holding a free water cup that was filled with lemonade. While the employee who gave it to him said, ‘That wasn’t lemonade.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“During a campaign event at a Florida pumpkin patch, Donald Trump met with pumpkin farmers. There was an awkward moment when one of the pumpkin farmers tried to carve Trump’s head.” – Conan O’Brien

“I want to say congratulations to the Chicago Cubs and the Cleveland Indians, who are set to play each other in the World Series! Or as voters put it, ‘Finally – a crazy match-up we can actually ENJOY!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway admitted this weekend that Donald Trump is trailing Hillary Clinton. Said Conway, ‘No, literally, he’s trailing her.'” – Seth Meyers

“Many news outlets are saying Donald Trump will almost certainly pivot to media and launch his own TV network after the election. Which means as early as next year we could see Trump TV filing for bankruptcy.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump said at a rally this weekend that Hillary Clinton was exhausted and weak after the debates. Yeah, probably because you kept sniffing all the oxygen out of the room.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary’s voters are now more excited to vote for Hillary than Trump voters are to vote for Trump. Which is crazy because getting excited about Hillary is like getting excited about taking your car in for an oil change. It’s not fun, but the alternative is your car bursting into flames.” – James Corden

“I can’t imagine why people are less excited about voting for Trump, but I guess it could have something to do with insulting women, insulting minorities, bragging about sexual assault, making fun of disabled people, making fun of military veterans, making fun of NFL players who get concussions, antagonizing fellow Republican, not releasing his taxes, not having any real political platform, banning journalists, re-tweeting white supremacists, and having hair that looks like a poorly constructed scarecrow. Other than that, I’ve no idea where he lost people.” –James Corden

“President Obama last week said that this year’s election is like Dante’s ‘Inferno’. Well that’s fine, as long as it doesn’t turn into a disco inferno.” –Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Oct. 20, 2016]

“Last night from Las Vegas, ‘Trump vs. Clinton 3’ — and just like that, we’re one step closer to never having to watch cable news again. It was the third most watched debate in history. More than 71 million people watched/screamed at their TV.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump needed a strong performance in the debate. His poll numbers have been dropping, and after last night, his only hope is that Michael J. Fox shows up in a time machine.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The big story of the debate was Donald Trump saying he might not accept the results of the election. Honestly, I didn’t know you could do that. I didn’t know you could just not accept things. If that’s the case, I’ve decided not to accept the results of my last acting audition.” – James Corden

“Last night, Trump said he was going to keep us in suspense. But today he said he ‘will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election — if I win!’ So in other words, no. No, right?” – James Corden

“At one point, Hillary Clinton even brought up how Trump said the Emmys were rigged because ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ never won one. Which means the Emmy Award is the only woman who Trump hasn’t grabbed.” – James Corden

“Now, probably the weirdest thing Trump said during the evening was when he was talking about immigration, saying we have some ‘bad hombres’ here. Bad hombres? First Melania Trump steals lines from Michelle Obama, now Trump is stealing lines from Clint Eastwood.” – James Corden

“‘Bad hombres’ doesn’t sound like drug dealers. ‘Bad hombres’ sounds like what TGI Friday’s would call their Tex-Mex appetizer platter.” – James Corden

“‘Bad hombres’ sounds like the Spanish-language version of ‘Grumpy Old Men’. ‘Bad hombres’ sounds like a gift shop in the Old West part of Disneyland.” – James Corden

“‘Bad hombres’ sounds like a tequila that you buy by the gallon for $4. ‘Bad hombres’ sounds like the theme song to the Mexican version of ‘Cops’.” – James Corden

“Clinton and Trump are at a dinner together, the Al Smith Dinner, a charity event thrown annually by the Catholic Archdiocese of New York. It has become a tradition for the candidates to show up and tell jokes, like a roast. Tonight Hillary and Donald are one seat apart with Cardinal Timothy Dolan sitting between them, like an unhappy couple hoping to get their marriage annulled.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump is not a self-deprecating guy. A lot of people believe the reason he got into politics is because President Obama roasted him at the White House Correspondents Dinner. If the cardinal starts making fun of him, he might try to run for Pope.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“So, how did we get to the point where the fate of the American experiment rests in Donald Trump’s tiny, whining, loser hands?” – Stephen Colbert

“Of course, Hillary also had her moments. Here’s what she said about her tax plans: ‘We are going to go where the money is.’ And she knows where the money is. It’s where she gives her speeches.” – Stephen Colbert