“So what NASA is doing, they’re crashing a rocket, which will have the energy of two tons of TNT It’s part of NASA’s new strategy, ‘What would Wile E. Coyote do?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Now, listen to this. I’m no rocket scientist so far be it from me to tell these people who are rocket scientists how to do their business, but NASA, they’re shooting a missile. They’re going to launch a huge missile — kaboom — right at the moon, looking for water. And I said, ‘Why not? Now that everything here is taken care of on Earth, why not? We’ve got no problems here. Let’s just go give it a shot.'” – David Letterman
“Here is some very good news. At NASA, the countdown is on. After years of wasting taxpayer money on research to increase the quality of life here on Earth and all that rubbish, NASA is finally doing something cool. They’re blowing up the moon!” – Craig Ferguson
“No, it is not a joke. I’m not kidding! Right now, a Centaur missile is hurtling through space, headed for the moon’s south pole. And I for one would just like to say how awesome that is!” – Craig Ferguson
“So they’re going to attack the moon, and they’re going to be looking for water. And I thought, well, that’s pretty much sounds like our government — bomb first, look for evidence later. That’s the way we do business.” – David Letterman
“We could make a ton of money if they find water on the moon. Can you imagine how much showbiz weasels in L.A. would pay for moon water?” – Craig Ferguson
“In a global survey of the most admired countries, the United States went from number seven to number one. They don’t admire us enough to give us the Olympics, but…” – Jay Leno
“There’s been some squabbling in the Republican Party. In a recent interview, John McCain’s former campaign manager said that if Sarah Palin is the Republican Party’s presidential nominee, the results will be catastrophic — as opposed to when she was the vice presidential nominee and everything went perfectly.” – Conan O’Brien
“Now, here’s something that will put a smile on your face. Yesterday was the first day of the new Supreme Court session. And we have a freshman Supreme Court justice, Sonia Sotomayor, and it’s her first day in court. So you know what they do? It’s like a rookie hazing for the new justices. And it was hilarious. The other judges, yesterday, switched her robe with a blanket. It was unbelievable. Boy, that was funny. Crazy.” – David Letterman
“And then, then, Chief Justice Roberts sent her to the hardware store to buy a left-handed gavel. That’s a regular yuck rodeo down there.” – David Letterman
“Don’t kid yourself. Sonia Sotomayor really has her work cut out for her. Think about this — the responsibility of replacing Paula Abdul. Is she going to be able to do that? Is that a possibility, even? I don’t think so.” – David Letterman
“And over the weekend, the President and the First Lady celebrated their wedding anniversary. They went out to dinner. There were no gifts exchanged. They didn’t exchange any gifts because, as you know, that would be socialism.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama’s national security adviser just said that Obama is going to overturn the military’s ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ As a result, the signal for an enemy attack will change from ‘incoming’ to ‘what’s her problem?'” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama’s national security advisor said the President will overturn the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy in the military. Well I think that’s good. I think gay people should be allowed to serve in the military. It seems ridiculous if they’re not. And listen to this. They’ll be able to keep the same slogan, an ‘Army of One — Singular Sensation.'” – Jay Leno
“Nobel Prizes in science were awarded yesterday, and the three winners in physics are known as the ‘masters of light.’ Not to be confused with Dick Cheney, known as the ‘prince of darkness.'” – David Letterman
“Today marked the eighth anniversary of the start of the war in Afghanistan. Dick Cheney celebrated by champagne boarding himself.” – Jimmy Fallon
“And President Obama had a very tense 25-minute meeting aboard Air Force One last week with General McChrystal, our top general in Afghanistan. And apparently, McChrystal gave a speech in London last week very critical of Obama’s policies in Afghanistan. And Obama was not happy. In fact, he considers it so important, he’s thinking about canceling his upcoming appearance on ‘Ellen.'” – Jay Leno
“And earlier in the week, President Barack Obama met with 150 doctors. He got all kinds of advice from them. This weekend, he’s going to try out the tips they gave him on the golf course.” – Jay Leno
“The other day at a political fundraiser, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi got to meet actor Robert Redford. And witnesses say she was flirting with him. There was an awkward moment when Pelosi winked at Redford and $4,000 worth of Botox squirted out.” –Conan O’Brien
