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David Letterman’s Top Ten Times Two

“Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If Everyone Were Named Newt”

10. Goodbye eggs Benedict; hello eggs Newt
9. Beatles broke up because ‘Newt’ couldn’t get along with ‘Newt’
8. Trump would be known as ‘The Newt’
7. Still have a tattoo of your ex-girlfriend’s name? No problem!
6. Santa now says, ‘On Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt, on Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt’
5. The mother on ‘How I Met Your Mother’: Newt
4. When you tell your iPhone to call Newt, it says, ‘Be more specific, Newt’
3. On ‘Jeopardy,’ people just keep buzzing in and saying, ‘Who is Newt?’
2. When you just say, ‘Newt’ with no last name, people know you’re referring to Newt Winfrey
1. You know who ain’t gonna be President? Newt Perry

“Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Herman Cain’s Mind During The ‘Libya’ Moment”

10. “Libya? I remember Lydia, but I don’t remember a Libya”
9. “I told them politics was off limits”
8. “Maybe if I hold perfectly still, everybody will think their DVRs are on pause”
7. “Why the heck am I in Milwaukee?”
6. “Uh, 9-9-9?”
5. “What would Rick Dees do?”
4. “I’m gonna be on YouTube!”
3. “I should have called Bob Costas”
2. “These things are a lot funnier when it happens to Rick Perry”
1. “Well, it’s been fun, see you in 2016!”