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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jun 27, 2017]

Republicans, who were already nervous, ran for the exits after the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office announced yesterday that under the GOP plan, 22 million people would lose their health coverage. That’s a big number. To put that number into perspective, if you laid 22 million people end to end, it would reach Canada, where they could get healthcare. – Stephen Colbert

It came out yesterday that under the Republican healthcare plan, 22 million people will lose their health insurance over the next decade. 22 million! Or as Trump put it, “Wow — that’s like, half my Inauguration crowd!” – Jimmy Fallon

You remember how the Republicans have been promising to repeal and replace Obamacare for seven years now? Yeah. It’s their most consistent message other than “Turn down that hip-hop racket, you kids!” – Stephen Colbert

President Trump invited all Republican senators to the White House today for a meeting about healthcare. I guess he turned to each of them and said, “You have five seconds to explain it to me, GO!” – Jimmy Fallon

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has promised he will pass Trumpcare before the July 4 recess. And he has got to, because McConnell knows if they don’t pass it now, there’s a serious danger someone might read it. – Stephen Colbert

Disneyworld’s Hall of Presidents, which has been closed since January in order to add a new President Trump robot, has reportedly pushed its reopening to the fall. “Bummer!” said literally not one child. – Seth Meyers

I saw that Canada is restoring a historic brothel that was owned by Trump’s grandfather in 1897. They’re even putting a plaque out front that says: “The Trumps: Screwing People Since 1897.” – Jimmy Fallon

The White House today formally nominated Christopher Wray to be the next director of the FBI. Aaaand… he’s been fired. – Seth Meyers

Today, a giant cyberattack hit computer systems in Russia. In a related story, Hillary Clinton just had a GREAT week at computer camp. – Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, former Georgia congressional candidate John Ossoff said his near-victory for the Democrats last week shows that President Trump and chief strategist Steve Bannon “should be sweating in 2018.” Um, have you seen those guys lately? They probably sweat getting out of bed. – Seth Meyers

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said in an interview yesterday, “I laugh at least once every day. Otherwise I cannot do this job.” Once every day? I would have guessed “once, period.” – Seth Meyers


Also published on Medium.

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