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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jun 28, 2017]

President Trump today met several Native American tribal leaders. They had a lot of questions for the president, such as, “How the hell did you manage to lose money running a casino?” – Seth Meyers

The New York Times said Donald Trump “faltered in his role as a ‘closer’.” Yeah, usually, he’s a great closer. Just look at his casinos. Oh wait, you can’t, they’re gone. – Stephen Colbert

I saw that President Trump retweeted a 16-year-old who posted a photo calling CNN the “Fake News Network.” When asked what it’s like to have a child follow you on Twitter, the 16-year-old said, “Pretty cool!” – Jimmy Fallon

During a phone call with the Irish prime minister yesterday, President Trump reportedly told an Irish journalist in the Oval Office that she had “a nice smile on her face.” Then he said, “Wait, now it’s gone.” – Seth Meyers

Some parents are planning to boycott Disney World’s Hall of Presidents now that it features Trump. Or as their kids put it, “Oh, no. Guess we’ll just have to do Splash Mountain again.” – Jimmy Fallon

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that voting on the [healthcare] bill would be delayed until after the Fourth of July. It’s a smart move. You don’t want to strip people of healthcare until after the holiday that mixes booze and explosives. – Stephen Colbert

I saw yesterday Republican senators took coach buses to the White House to meet with Trump about healthcare. You could tell which senators actually read the bill, ‘cuz they were the ones buckling their seat belts. – Jimmy Fallon

According to the Times, Trump failed to sway Senate Republicans who didn’t support the bill. His top aides didn’t lobby for it, and one Republican senator said the president did not have a grasp of some basic elements of the Senate plan. – Stephen Colbert

According to new research, a press-on patch for the flu vaccine works just as well as the flu shot. You just remove the adhesive backing and place it firmly over your co-worker’s mouth. – Seth Meyers

If you haven’t heard, there’s been another global cyber-attack. This time, hackers unleashed a virus called GoldenEye, which you may remember as the name of Pierce Brosnan’s first James Bond film. Which means it’s a pretty good virus, but your dad still thinks Sean Connery’s malware was better. – Stephen Colbert

The other day, a man in Minnesota got arrested, and handed the officer a Monopoly “Get out of jail free” card. Then when he got to prison, his cellmate handed him a card that said, “You won a beauty contest.” – Jimmy Fallon

Spirit Airlines recently gave a family 21 years of free travel after a mother went into labor and gave birth mid-flight. Though they probably should have given those free flights to the guy sitting next to her. – Seth Meyers

Also published on Medium.