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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jul 13, 2017]

On the way to Paris the president had some off-the-record conversations with reporters on Air Force One, and then he decided he wanted some of what he said to be ON the record. So Trump told reporters last night that the wall — you know that wall Mexico’s going to pay for, very nice of them to do? — he wants the wall to be see-through. For real! – Jimmy Kimmel

He said, and this is a quote, “One of the things with the wall is you need transparency.” And they asked why. He said, “I’ll give you an example. As horrible as it sounds, when they throw the sacks of drugs over the wall, if you have people on the other side who don’t see them, they hit you on the head with 60 pounds of stuff and it’s over. You’re dead.” – Jimmy Kimmel

Our president is worried that people are going to get hit on the head with drugs and die. So he wants a wall you can see through. It’s unbelievable. He’s turning the country into an aquarium! We are all going to be living in SeaWorld with President Shamu if he gets his way. – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump and the first lady arrived in Paris today at the invitation of French President Emmanuel Macron. [shows clip of greeting] Last time they had a handshake it lasted longer than, like, two of Trump’s marriages, so all eyes were on this one. – Jimmy Kimmel

Today, Trump met with France’s elegant first lady Brigitte Macron and of course he treated her like any other woman, by objectifying her. [clip of Trump] “You’re in such good shape… Beautiful.” Bad Donald! No! Bad! This is not one of your European wife’s shopping trips. This is business. – Stephen Colbert

There was one uncomfortable moment later on. President Macron’s wife, Brigitte, is 25 years older than he is. He’s 39. She’s 64. Which you know has to be making Trump’s crazy orange head spin. For him that’s about as backwards as it gets. This is what he said to her: “You’re in such good shape. She’s in such good physical shape. Beautiful.” It’s like she’s a ’65 Chevy convertible he’s admiring. Only Donald Trump would treat a meeting with world leader likes it’s a swingers’ key party. – Jimmy Kimmel

Then Trump held a joint press conference with newly elected French President Emmanuel Macron. Trump invoked America’s long history with France: [clip of Trump] “France helped us secure our Independence. A lot of people forget. France is America’s first and oldest ally, a lot of people don’t know that.” Nope, just you. WE know. Gave us the Statue of Liberty too, remember that? – Stephen Colbert

Before he left, the president, who’s been notoriously stingy with on-camera interviews lately, sat down with the 700-year-old host of “The 700 Club,” Pat Robertson. This is a religious television show. And Donald Trump is a very religious guy. [clip of Robertson responding “yeah,” “that’s right” several times as Trump speaks] So they got along just great. – Jimmy Kimmel

Of course Trump got asked about the biggest story in France — his son’s collusion with Russia. [clip of Trump] “He took a meeting with a Russian lawyer, not a government lawyer, but a Russian lawyer. It was a short meeting. It was a meeting that went very, very quickly, very fast.” Welcome to Trump’s America, where morality is measured by speed. Because it was over quickly, it wasn’t wrong! It’s like a five-second rule for your soul. – Stephen Colbert

Republican House Speaker Paul Ryan is calling for stronger sanctions against Russia for its election meddling. Ryan said, “We must keep Russia out of our elections until we need them again in 2018.” – Conan O’Brien

The new Republican healthcare bill is out, and the bad news is, older people still pay more than younger people. Of course the good news is, they don’t pay more for long. – Conan O’Brien

Kid Rock has officially announced his candidacy for the U.S. Senate. Kid Rock says he wants to restore America back to a better time when it would have been unimaginable for Kid Rock to run for the U.S. Senate. – Conan O’Brien

A new study just came out that found that breast implants can save your life if you’re shot in the chest. In a related story, the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” just joined SEAL Team 6. – Conan O’Brien

Also published on Medium.