Margaret, there is a new test out to determine if you are smarter than Donald Trump. I took it and, shockingly, he is a moron. You should take it too. It’s pretty simple but let me explain how it was developed.
President Trump [sic] told reporters that the US is doing very well with COVID. Despite our leading the world in deaths, Trump explained, “If you take the blue states out, we’re at a level that I don’t think anybody in the world would be at. We’re really at a very low level.”
If you take the Blue States out, America would be doing better than every other country. Key to this premise is that Blue States have to be taken out. Big Blue States like California which has the same number of deaths as Big Red Texas. Or Blue States like Illinois which has fewer deaths than Crazy Red Florida. Or Super Blue Colorado which has done better than Super Red Tennessee.
By the way, related but unrelated. There are reports that some White House staffers have tested positive. I offer thoughts and prayers. I’m not sure they are the right thoughts and prayers, but prayer is a deeply personal thing for me.
Anyway, back to the point of my story…
I know what you are all probably thinking. I am sure that Blue States would like nothing more than to get the hell out of Trump’s America. And you can be just as sure that Red States would love to see the Blue States go. Without the Blue States, there is even a slight chance Trump might win the popular vote this fall. From where I stand, for Trump the departure of the Blue States might be a win win. But sadly, the Red States simply can’t afford it.
Any moron with half a brain knows that California, New York, and Illinois make up almost a third of the nation’s economy. Or another way to put it, 30% of the nation’s economy is driven by 3% of its states. To put a finer point on it, Texas PLUS Florida don’t add up to California. And without New York the Red Southern States would be broke in a month.
But I am kind of getting off track here. We are talking about COVID deaths in Blue States making Trump look bad. Don’t you understand? All you people dying are making him look bad. Just wear a damn mask and stop dying. No. Wait. Masks make him look bad. Plus, waiters hate masks. Forget the masks. Just stop dying. Be more like Red States.
Let’s make this simple just in case any of Trump’s supporters are actually reading this.
Take Canada. Those idiots to our North with national healthcare, low gun violence, Anne Murray, a Prime Minister who looks stunning in a mask and a flag that is less offensive than a dress made from a pattern purchased at Hobby Lobby must be doing worse than the Red States. I mean that flag is the opposite of offensive. It’s a damn leaf. How tough can you be if your flag is a wussy maple leaf? So, let’s see how those idiots in Canada have been doing.
Canada has a population of roughly 37 million. They have seen 9,200 deaths from COVID. That’s 24 deaths per 100,000 Canadians. And don’t forget, Trump said this virus goes away with warm weather. Canada is a lot of things, but it is not warm. It’s a God damn sheet of ice. The average temperature is like 30 degrees below zero. Well, actually, I am not really sure what the average temperature is, but the lowest temperature ever recorded there was −63 °C. Google it and see it you can find the average temperature for Canada. It’s so bad they won’t publish it. And they report their temperature in C. What the hell is Celsius? Those bastards. Anyway, it’s cold and yet they have a COVID death rate of 24 per 100,000 or less than 10,000 total deaths for the entire country.
Let me pause here.
My sincere condolences to every single family who has lost a loved one… in Canada… in America… in the entire world. Truly. My heart goes out to you and I wish you peace. Why our President is unable to show anything resembling sympathy is beyond me. So, on behalf of 68% of the American people, we are terribly sorry. And we are thankful that your rate isn’t worse. And your Prime Minister really is stunning in a mask. You are lucky to have someone who leads by example.
But speaking of death rates that are worse…
Trump said, “…we’re at a level that I don’t think anybody in the world would be at.” If you take out the Blue States.
OK. Simple civics. Simple math.
Simple civics: One nation under God, indivisible.
Simple math: Canada wins.
- Mississippi rate per 100,000 is 92
- Georgia rate per 100,000 is 60
- Florida rate per 100,000 is 60
- South Carolina rate per 100,000 is 60
- Alabama rate per 100,000 is 51
- Texas rate per 100,000 is 50
In fact, if Canada was a state it would rank 35th out of 51. Alaska does better which is really odd because Alaska is just a bunch of frozen water. And some trees. It has trees. But not the exploding kind. And mountains. Alaska is lovely, really. Those Red States are lucky to have Alaska. Birthplace to Sarah Palin. But the Blue States have Hawaii. Thank God for Hawaii. Birthplace to President Barack Obama… we think.
Other countries that are doing better than Red States:
- Argentina – 24
- Honduras – 21
- Iraq – 20
- Kuwait – 13
- Germany – 12
- Finland – 6
- Australia – 3
- Kenya – 1
In fact, 43 countries are doing better than Trump’s Red States. It could be more. There were so many, I just stopped counting.
But hey, here is some good news. The United States under President Trump is doing better than Peru. #MAGA.
So, about that new test. The one that can determine if you are smarter than Donald Trump… It’s an amazingly simple test. You add up all those numbers and you get one question. Oddly enough it’s a Math Word Problem.
TRUMP IQ TEST
If two trains pull away from a station at the same time and one is going south at a rate of 15 miles per hour and the other is going north at a rate of 20 miles per hour and Donald Trump is the Engineer on one of the trains, do you get on the train without Donald Trump or do you just kill yourself at the station?
Answer: Donald Trump lies. Absolutely don’t get on the Trump train because it will fucking kill you. I mean it. Really.