“Welcome, lotto losers. Remember, you’re not just losers. You’re mega-losers! If it makes you feel any better, the odds of winning were 176 million to 1 — about the same odds the Supreme Court will pass Obamacare.” – Jay Leno “There were three winning lotto tickets. I guess we’re not sure who the three winners […]
“This was the week the Supreme Court heard all the arguments about health care. The mood in Washington very tense. Angry, incoherent Tea Party protesters were everywhere, including the five on the Supreme Court.” – Bill Maher “They made their decision but we will not hear about it until June. It’s like an election in […]
Tucson’s school board bans the Mexican-American studies program based on “solid evidence”. The school board member interviewed in the video claims he did not know that the Daily Show “is a satirical news show and thus does not always represent the true remarks their guest make. I went on this show to talk about the […]
“Seems Mitt Romney is going to get the nomination. That brings to mind the question of why we still have the other candidates. Rick Santorum wants to keep raising awareness for conservative issues. Newt Gingrich wants to stay in the public eye and sell more books. And Ron Paul doesn’t want to return to his […]
“Mitt Romney was a guest on ‘The Tonight Show’ on NBC. It’s interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.” – David Letterman “This week Walt Disney’s stock reached its highest point in a year. In fact, Disney is so wealthy, today Mickey and Minnie endorsed Mitt […]
New York Times columnist David Javerbaum presents a new theory of politics, based on recent observations of the behavior of presidential candidate Mitt Romney. This new theory has striking (and hilarious) similarities to Quantum Mechanics, and violates many of the laws of traditional classical politics. In classical Newtonian Politics (named after Newt Gingrich, in the […]
“Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off.” – David Letterman “Dick Cheney was talking to a reporter right after the surgery and he said he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets […]
“This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice — they let him shoot the donor himself.” – Jay Leno “This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and […]
“Jeb Bush has come out and endorsed Mitt Romney. He said it was the hardest decision he’s had to make since endorsing his brother, George W.” – Jay Leno “Mitt Romney got a big endorsement this week. The bad news: It was from Etch A Sketch.” – Jay Leno “Mitt Romney’s adviser actually compared him […]
[reprinted from The Borowitz Report] WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – The following message was released today by the National Alliance of Funeral Directors: This week, several Republican Supreme Court Justices have argued that the Affordable Care Act supported by the Obama Administration is unconstitutional. At the National Alliance of Funeral Directors, we couldn’t agree more. […]
“March Madness started again today with the start of the round known as the Sweet 16. President Obama’s bracket was in the top 2 percent of everyone who makes picks on ESPN.com. I guess it helps when you can send the CIA in to scout the teams.” – Jimmy Kimmel “President Obama did this last […]
“Today is Ann and Mitt Romney’s 43rd wedding anniversary. This means that 43 years ago Mitt proposed to his wife and due to a weak field of candidates, she said yes.” – Conan O’Brien “Rick Santorum wants to ban pornography. That’s one of the few thriving industries America has left.” – David Letterman “John McCain’s […]
© Matt Davies I’m sure someone would blame Obama for rainy weather if they could. Ironically, Fox News said it best when they declared “no President has the power to increase or to lower gas prices” and that the best way to reduce gas prices is to reduce consumption, so Americans should “get rid of […]
“This Wednesday Mitt Romney goes one-on-one in a debate against the one man who stands in the way of his nomination: Mitt Romney.” – Jimmy Kimmel “Massachusetts moderate squares off with die-hard conservative Romney on the issues. Man versus machine. Romney versus Romney.” – Jimmy Kimmel “Rick Santorum said he’s not worried about unemployment. Well, […]
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