Political Irony

“We’re one week away from the Iowa caucuses and all the candidates are doing whatever they can to appeal to voters. Donald Trump even went to a church service in Iowa over the weekend. You can tell he doesn’t go to church much because he was like, ‘I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“California police are on the fourth day of a manhunt for three escaped convicts. The dangerous sociopaths are believed to be headed to Iowa so they can vote for Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump said this morning during an interview that Ted Cruz ‘looks like a jerk’. And claimed that Cruz has no friends in Congress and is usually standing all by himself. So is he running for president or leader of the Plastics?” – Seth Meyers

“Ted Cruz has been joined on the campaign trail by former candidate Gov. Rick Perry. So in other words, Ted Cruz is the No. 1 choice of the guy who was nobody’s choice.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said that Ted Cruz is a liar who looks like a jerk. Not to be confused with Trump, who is a jerk who looks like a liar.” – Seth Meyers

“On CNN last night they had what they call a town hall meeting where the Democratic candidates try to woo the Iowa voters. The only clear winner of this debate-slash-meeting was the farmer who got $30,000 to let CNN park the satellite trucks in his corn field.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Democrats held a presidential forum last night on CNN where candidates were interviewed individually. Candidates were asked questions like, ‘What would you do about the wage gap?’ ‘Do you plan to raise taxes?’ And, ‘How did you get in here?’ – Seth Meyers

“Someone asked Hillary who her favorite president was, and she said — with apologies to President Obama — ‘My husband, Bill. My favorite is Abraham Lincoln.’ And then Bernie Sanders said, ‘Senator, I knew Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln was a friend of mine. And you, ma’am, are no Abraham Lincoln!'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night CNN hosted a Democratic forum where Hillary Clinton said that if she’s elected she wants to work together with Republicans and even said she’d give them all bear hugs. By bear hugs she means like the ones you saw in ‘The Revenant’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Martin O’Malley, who for some reason is still under the impression he’s running for president, got some good shots in, but this was his big moment. During the Q&A portion he said, ‘I can’t just sit here. I have to take off my jacket and stand up!’ And he rolled up his sleeves and showed off his body. It’s like ‘Magic Martin’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ben of Ben & Jerry’s has come out with an ice cream inspired by Bernie Sanders. A carton costs $3.99 but when you include tax, it’s $200 million.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Iowa caucuses are less than a week away. Then after that the candidates can go back to ignoring Iowa completely.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“We give so much attention to who Iowa picks. Since 1980 the Iowa Caucus has predicted the Republican nominee incorrectly four times. They only got it right twice. You get better odds when you have a zoo animal predict the winner of the Super Bowl than these Iowa caucuses.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The latest CBS poll has Bernie Sanders beating Hillary Clinton by 1 percent in Iowa, though another poll has Hillary beating Bernie Sanders with a folding chair. – Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she feels great about her chances to be the Democratic nominee and Bill Clinton said, ‘Hillary, it’s 3:30 in the morning. Go back to sleep.'” – Seth Meyers

“The Iowa caucuses are coming up and yesterday, Lindsey Graham criticized Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and said choosing between them is like having to choose between being shot or poisoned.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Graham said supporting Jeb Bush is like choosing to be slowly suffocated by an expensive pillow.” – Jimmy Fallon

“One thing’s for sure, if Donald Trump started shooting people on Fifth Avenue he wouldn’t hit any Trump supporters. They’re not going to Saks, they’re over in Times Square at the M&M store.” – Seth Meyers

“Now in fairness he was just talking about the loyalty of his supporters — though it doesn’t sound like he was complimenting the loyalty of his supporters.” – Seth Meyers

“A researcher found lyrics to a song that Woody Guthrie wrote over 50 years ago about Donald Trump’s father, Fred Trump. I believe it was called, this land is my land and this land is my land, and this land is also my land.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald was like, big deal — Pink Floyd did an entire album about me called ‘The Wall,’ and I made them pay for it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“After a really warm December, this was kind of a relief. Climate change has not ended winter, it just packed the whole damn thing into one weekend.” – Stephen Colbert

“We have Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio on the show tonight! To make sure Marco feels comfortable during the interview, we have five other guys who’ll interrupt him every time he talks.” – Jimmy Fallon

“At a Donald Trump rally in Oklahoma, Sarah Palin called President Obama a ‘weak-kneed capitulator in chief.’ When asked if she knows what a capitulator is, she said, ‘Of course I do — it’s one of those worms that turns into a butterfly!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“After Sarah Palin’s rambling endorsement of Donald Trump, she failed to show up at a Trump campaign event. Palin apologized and said, ‘I was fresh out of nonsense.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said today that he didn’t expect Sarah Palin to speak for ‘quite that long’ during her rambling endorsement speech earlier this week. She did speak for over 20 minutes, but remember, for Sarah Palin, that’s only three sentences.” – Seth Meyers

“A surgeon announced that he successfully transplanted a monkey’s head onto a different monkey’s body. The monkey immediately endorsed Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien

“Music icon Cher said recently, ‘Donald Trump can’t come up with a hairstyle that looks human, how can he come up with a plan to defeat ISIS?’ So if you’re looking for a plan to defeat ISIS, I wouldn’t count on Cher either.” – Seth Meyers

Donald Trump’s supporters are now being called ‘Trumpeters’. And Jeb Bush’s supporters are being called ‘clinically depressed.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Jeb tweeted today that if Donald Trump is the nominee Hillary Clinton will be elected president and we can’t let that happen. Jeb is painting himself as the only candidate who can beat Hillary. Meanwhile his brother George is at home painting portraits of his dog.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Tea party Senator Ted Cruz claims he currently does not have health insurance. Man, this guy will say anything to prove he’s not Canadian.” – Conan O’Brien

“Bernie Sanders’ son calls his dad ‘the Bernster.’ While Jeb Bush’s son calls him ‘my mom’s friend Jeb’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rapper Will.i.am is supporting Hillary Clinton for president, whereas rapper Killer Mike said he endorses Bernie Sanders. When told all of this, Sanders said, ‘What the hell are you talking about?'” – Conan O’Brien

“A recent poll found that 10 percent of college graduates think Judge Judy once served on the Supreme Court. To be fair, it’s the same 10 percent that think Justice Antonin Scalia is the Cake Boss.” – Seth Meyers