Political Irony

“Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is expected to announce tomorrow that he is running for president, making him Hillary Clinton’s only Democratic challenger so far. Or as Hillary put it, ‘Oooo, appetizers!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton gave a speech at Columbia University this afternoon. She ended it the way Clintons always end their speeches, by saying, ‘That’ll be $200,000.'” – Seth Meyers

“A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there’s only six people under 30 who actually vote.” – Conan O’Brien

“It was such a nice day today that President Obama left the White House and went for a walk around the neighborhood. Even more amazing, THIS is the first the Secret Service is hearing about it.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton wrote an op-ed for a paper in Iowa about her plans to help the middle class. Middle-class Americans said, ‘Why didn’t you just say that in a speech?’ and she said, ‘Because I charge $200,000 for a speech.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton has temporarily changed her campaign logo to rainbow colors in support of marriage equality. Of course, her idea of marriage equality is both of you should get to be president.” – Seth Meyers

“Due to civil unrest in Baltimore, tomorrow’s game between the Orioles and the White Sox will be played to an empty stadium. When asked for comments, players on the Milwaukee Brewers said, ‘You get used to it.'” – Conan O’Brien

“To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There’s a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.” – David Letterman

“A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone.” – Conan O’Brien

“Prince William’s pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, ‘Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life.'” – Conan O’Brien

“During a recent press conference, former President Jimmy Carter said he could never run for president today because he doesn’t have a lot of money. Well, that and the fact that he’s the famously bad president Jimmy Carter.” – Jimmy Fallon

[coincidentally, I was having a discussion the other day with someone and we were trying to figure out why Jimmy Carter is widely mocked as being a “famously bad president”. The only thing we could think of was the Iranian hostage crisis, where the American hostages, who had been held in Iran for 444 days, were released 20 minutes after Ronald Reagan was sworn in as president. However, several people, including a former Iranian president, a former Prime Minister of Israel, a former Naval intelligence officer and member of the National Security Council, and a former staffer of the Reagan campaign and administration, claim that the Reagan campaign conspired with Iran to delay the release of the hostages until after the election in order to keep Carter from being reelected.]

“In a two-hour interview last Friday, Bruce Jenner told ABC’s Diane Sawyer, ‘For all intents and purposes, I’m a woman.’ At which point, Joe Biden ran in and started giving Bruce a shoulder rub.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The big story is Bruce Jenner. In last week’s interview, Jenner said he’s a woman who is transitioning his body from male to female, and he’s also a conservative Republican. Bruce said he looks forward to bashing Obamacare as soon as he finishes using it.” – Conan O’Brien

“Bruce Jenner declared he is a woman and a Republican. In other words, the GOP finally found someone who might be able to beat Hillary.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jenner also identified himself as a conservative Republican. He said he believes that John Boehner and Mitch McConnell will support him and advocate for transgender issues. Yeah, of course they will. They’re probably having the buttons printed as we speak.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that.” – David Letterman

“Many believe that Hillary Clinton was channeling President Obama during her recent speech in New York City. She focused on equality, justice, and how hard it was for her growing up as a young black man in Hawaii.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You’re the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.” – David Letterman

“A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they’re so happy, Swiss people couldn’t answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate.” – Conan O’Brien