“I view America like this: 70 to 80 percent [are] pretty reasonable people that truthfully, if they sat down, even on contentious issues, would get along. And the other 20 percent of the country run it.”
“I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance.”
“Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?”
“I’ll tell you this: Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality. And the protections that we have, for religion — we protect religion. And talk about a lifestyle choice — that is absolutely a choice. Gay people don’t choose to be gay. At what age did you choose not to be gay?”
“The [Christmas] season wouldn’t feel the same without people going out of their way to be offended by nothing.”
“Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion… perhaps around their necks? And maybe — dare I dream it? — maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.”
“They always throw around this term ‘the liberal elite’. And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What’s more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?”
“Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now. … Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the 90’s as a commissioner — this is true — of the International Arabian Horse Association. I guess he stands out because most Bush appointees are beholden to Arabian people.”
“Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence.”
“Democrats do have an historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.”
“Mitt Romney calling the President ‘detached and out of touch’ is like a multimillionaire who owns two mansions, six cars, and who thinks ‘corporations are people, my friend’ calling someone ‘detached and out of touch’.”
“Must be nice to be a Republican senator sometimes, because you get the fun of breaking shit and the joy of complaining the shit you just broke doesn’t work.”
“President Obama’s new slogan is: ‘I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.”
“Chinese President Hu Jintao is visiting us. When a country owes you a billion dollars they have a problem. When they owe you a trillion dollars, YOU have a problem. We’re too big to fail!”
“What you do is not honest. What you do is partisan hackery. You have a responsibility to the public discourse, and you fail miserably.” (to Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala, dooming their program “Crossfire”)
“They said I wasn’t being funny. And I said to them, ‘I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.” (responding to their criticism)
“You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.”
“Why is it that if you take advantage of a tax break and you’re a corporation, you’re a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something you need to not be hungry, you’re a moocher?”
“He’s not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the fucking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!”
“Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this country, are now suffering from Balzheimer’s disease. Why didn’t I see it before? Balzheimer’s is a terrible illness that attacks the memory and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they themselves made a career of. There is no known cure.”
“Rick [Santorum], I’m sorry that hearing that JFK speech on religion makes you throw up. But if it makes you feel any better, if JFK were alive today, knowing you were running for President would make him shit his pants.”
“Condoleezza Rice was confirmed by a vote of 85 to 13, despite a contentious but futile protest vote by Democrats. By the way, for a fun second term drinking game, chug a beer every time you hear the phrase ‘contentious but futile protest vote by democrats.’ By the time Jeb Bush is elected, you’ll be so wasted you won’t even notice the war in Syria.”
“I know the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people, but what I didn’t realize is that those people are assholes.”
“Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn’t get carved out by poor people.”
“We have got to pay those bailed out firm CEOs top dollar. Otherwise those companies could end up being run by a couple of jackasses who fuck things up so royally, it torpedoes the entire global economy.”
“You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.”
