Political Irony

“Yesterday was the big World Cup final between Germany and Argentina. And if you caught only the last couple of minutes of the game, don’t worry – you saw the whole thing.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Well, it was an amazing weekend in sports. LeBron went back to being a Cavalier, Carmelo went back to being a Knicks, and soccer went back to being a thing you drive your kids to.” – Seth Meyers

“The World Cup is finally over. In other words, bars are about to start showing sports that make sense again.” – Jimmy Fallon

“During yesterday’s World Cup final, a guy ran onto the field with the phrase ‘natural born prankster’ written on his chest — because nothing says good clean fun like spending the night in a Brazilian prison.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Congratulations, my German friends. They are World Cup champions. People in Germany were going nuts, firing guns into the air, marching up and down the streets. Then they heard about the World Cup win.” – Craig Ferguson

“Germans haven’t been this excited since the release of the last David Hasselhoff album. They haven’t been this excited since Oktoberfest included an all-you-can-eat wiener buffet.” – Craig Ferguson

“Germany defeated Argentina 1-0 to win the World Cup. German fans went absolutely crazy from 9:00 until 9:15.” – Seth Meyers

“People in Germany went bonkers. Rumor has it that up to half a dozen Germans actually cracked a smile.” – Craig Ferguson

“Germany is your World Cup champions, ladies and gentlemen. The winning German soccer team received a congratulatory phone call from Angela Merkel. Of course we know this because we’re still bugging her phone.” – David Letterman

“Germany won the World Cup, but they’re still mad at us for spying on them. So they’re considering going back to using typewriters to avoid being spied on. It’s never good news when Germany says they’re going to go back to their old ways.” – Conan O’Brien

“Brazil’s coach resigned following the country’s historic 7-1 loss in the World Cup last week. He says he wants to spend more time focusing on not being murdered.” – Seth Meyers

“While he was in Cuba this weekend, Vladimir Putin met with Fidel Castro and promised to revive Cuba’s oil industry. Not to be confused with the other thing Cuba’s always having to revive: Fidel Castro.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday Rick Perry told President Obama to go to the US-Mexico border and see the immigration crisis firsthand because Americans expect to see their president when there is a disaster. Which is why today Obama showed up in Miami.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new study, the largest producer of oil is now the United States. So you know what that means – any day now we’ll be invading ourselves.” – David Letterman

“Argentina beat Holland in the World Cup semifinals yesterday and now Argentina will face Germany in the World Cup Finals. Argentina versus Germany. And if you don’t know who to root for, imagine how elderly Nazis feel.” – Seth Meyers

“Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That’s right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn’t seen that many kicks since Beyoncé’s sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z.” – Jimmy Fallon

“North Korea is negotiating to broadcast the Teletubbies. They have to make changes for North Korean TV. For starters, every episode will end with one of the Teletubbies being executed.” – Craig Ferguson

“And, of course, every Teletubby will have Kim Jong Un’s haircut.” – Craig Ferguson

“The Republican National Convention is going to be held in 2016 in Cleveland. They outbid New York City. Cleveland beat New York City. And I’m thinking to myself: Wait a minute, this is not right. Hookers and bribes don’t work anymore? What is the problem?” – David Letterman

“Today, our show got nominated for six Emmy Awards! And if we win for best show, I promised to give the Emmy to my parents. And if we win for best writing, I promised to give the Emmy to Rob Ford. He wrote half our monologues.” – Jimmy Fallon

“On this date in 1804, Aaron Burr had a duel with Vice President Alexander Hamilton. Aaron Burr killed Alexander Hamilton and got off scot-free. Later he was convicted for stealing sports memorabilia.” – David Letterman

Econonomixcomix has an excellent explanation of Net Neutrality in comic book form. Go read it!

“Yesterday Toronto Mayor Rob Ford attended his first city council meeting since he got back from rehab. He said, ‘It’s great to be back, but man, these things are boring when you’re sober.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rob Ford attended his first city council meeting. But it got weird when he said, ‘Hello, Toronto City Council!’ And they said, ‘This is Buffalo, sir … And you have to put a shirt on.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Congrats to Joey Chestnut. On Friday he won the Fourth of July Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest by eating 61 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Another guy said, ‘But I ate a hundred!’ Then the judges said, ‘You have to wait until we say ‘Go!’, Governor Christie.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“That’s 61 hot dogs in 12 minutes, or as New Jersey Governor Chris Christie calls it – a snack.” – David Letterman

“House Speaker John Boehner is threatening to sue President Obama for using executive actions to create laws, instead of going through Congress first. Then Obama shrugged and made a new law that you can’t sue the president.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The U.S. soccer team was eliminated from the World Cup competition, but they gave it a pretty good run. But the problem now is we have to find something else to pretend to care about.” – David Letterman