Political Irony

“President Obama’s approval rating is at 37 percent, the lowest point of his presidency. Here’s how bad it is. You know the Thanksgiving turkey he’s pardoning this week? The turkey said: ‘No pictures’. It didn’t want to be seen.” – Jay Leno

“Are you aware of the turkey shortage? Now the White House has stepped in so people won’t panic. They said yes, there’s a turkey shortage, but don’t worry, it’s only a web site problem. They said if you like the turkey you had last year, you can keep the turkey you had last year.” – David Letterman

“PETA says that today’s turkeys are being bred to have such large breasts, they’re dying of heart attacks. I don’t want to be insensitive, but that’s still better than getting your head chopped off.” – Jay Leno

“The FCC is reconsidering the ban on cellphone use on planes. So not only do you get to watch the lady eating a tuna fish sandwich she brought from home, you get to hear her yell at her husband while she does it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The FCC is considering lifting the ban on cellphone calls on planes. The good news is you’ll be able to make calls during your flight. The bad news? The person sitting next to you will be able to make cellphone calls during your flight.” – Jay Leno

“There are ways to make air travel much, much worse. I think it’s fine if people want to make calls from the plane, but I think they should have to step outside to do it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Am I the only one who thinks the government should focus on something else? I would like to see the ban lifted on 4-ounce bottles of Pantene shampoo. First thing I’m going to do is order a large pepperoni pizza and have it delivered to the sky.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama announced that the U.S. and Iran have reached an important step in freezing Iran’s nuclear program. When asked how they’d finally reached the agreement, Iran said, ‘Patience, compromise, and oh, we lied. Not in that order, actually.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“People are talking about how Obama was finally able to get this deal with Iran. What happened was, Obama got tired of trying to fix healthcare and said, ‘Give me an easier problem. Iranian nukes! I’m on it. That’s much better than what I’ve been dealing with the past couple of weeks.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Patriots overcame six fumbles and a score of 24-0 to beat the Broncos in overtime. It was amazing. They came back from dropping the ball and being down 24 points. Or, as Obama put it, ‘What’s your secret?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“They got three feet of fresh powder back East. And that was just in freshman Florida Congressman Trey Radel’s office. Radel says he’s going into rehab and when he gets out, he wants to be named ambassador to Colombia.” – Jay Leno

“Here we go again. Freshman Congressman Trey Radel of Florida has been arrested for possession of cocaine in Washington, D.C. He admitted he is an alcoholic and pled guilty to possession of cocaine. The judge sentenced him to four years as mayor of Toronto.” – Jay Leno

“Toronto’s city council has voted to drastically reduce Mayor Rob Ford’s powers. They say this reduces him to a ‘mere figurehead’ – which still sounds better than ‘crackhead’.” – Jay Leno

“Everyone is talking about Toronto’s crack-smoking mayor. His reality show has been canceled after one episode. That is the difference between the U.S. and Canada. In America, when somebody goes off the rails we RENEW their reality show.” – Conan O’Brien

“To make matters worse for Mayor Ford, his reality show was canceled after one airing. They are calling this guy the most embarrassing Ford since the Pinto.” – Jay Leno

“Obama and other Democrats have even stopped using the term ‘Obamacare,’ when referring to the new healthcare law. Yeah, now they’re calling it ‘The Affordable Care Act’. Americans were like, ‘Just let us know when you can call it fixed’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Members of the tea party gathered outside the White House to demand President Obama’s impeachment. The president said he appreciated their views and he is setting up a new website where they can voice their opinion.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s been a rough couple of weeks for President Obama. It’s so bad that a new poll found that Mitt Romney would beat Obama if Americans could vote for president again today. He even asked if there’s any way we can have a do-over. Not Romney, Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The ratings for Al Jazeera America has now dipped even lower than Al Gore’s Current TV, which it replaced. That’s how you know you’re boring, OK? When Al Gore is considered more entertaining to people than what you have.” – Jay Leno

“Happy Birthday to Vice President Joe Biden, who turned 71 years old today. Biden wore a party hat, carried balloons, and ate cake for lunch. So he was especially happy when they told him it was also his birthday.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Happy birthday to Joe Biden. He’s 71 years old. President Obama called Biden into the Oval Office and instructed Joe to go to his birthday party for Obama.” – David Letterman

“The U.S. may be close to a deal with Iran. Here’s how the deal would break down. They shut down their nuclear arsenal and in return the United States will shut down George Zimmerman.” – David Letterman

“Thanksgiving is right around the corner. As you know, the traditional Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left.” – Jay Leno

“There’s a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There’s also a gravy shortage. It’s up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.” – David Letterman

“Obama is wrestling with the healthcare rollout debacle. He urged Americans not to be put off by the Obamacare website and offered alternative ways to enroll, such as using the mail. Then the president got on his horse and rode off to spread the news to the next town.” – Conan O’Brien

“Former President George W. Bush is on the show tonight. We’re very excited about that. As you know, his nickname is 43 because he was the 43rd president. President Obama is nicknamed 44 because that’s how many people have signed up for Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“According to insiders, the White House hired a consulting firm that told them the Obamacare website wasn’t ready. But the White House went ahead. The White House made this mistake because they don’t know how to open their email.” – David Letterman

“So now the White House has hired a consulting firm to teach them how to pay attention to consulting firms. It’s all paid by tax dollars.” – David Letterman

“Vice President Joe Biden said today, ‘Obamacare will eventually be a success, God willing’. Today God said, ‘Hey, keep me out of this. You’re on your own on this one.'” – Jay Leno

“Today’s the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address and it’s also Larry King’s birthday — two events that happened 150 years ago. Actually, Larry is older. He reported at that event. He said, ‘Didn’t talk as long as we thought but what are you going to do? And why the four score?'” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is being criticized for not attending today’s ceremony commemorating the Gettysburg Address. In fairness, though, Lincoln did not attend Obama’s ‘Sorry about this crappy website’ speech.” – Conan O’Brien

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says he’s not going anywhere, even after his recent crack scandal. He said he hopes to run for prime minister of Canada one day. When asked what party he’d choose, he said, ‘Why choose one? I usually hit, like, five parties a night.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama and his top aides met with insurance company CEOs at the White House on Friday. So we’ve got politicians meeting with insurance salesmen. You know, if you throw in a couple of used car dealers, you have the trifecta of professional lying right there.” – Jay Leno

“How about that Obamacare? They bungled it. They rolled it out and it wasn’t ready. The only good news out of Obamacare is that it’s nice to know somebody knows less about computers than I do.” – David Letterman

“Ever since he admitted to smoking crack in office, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has been under siege. The city council has been stripping the mayor of his powers because no one has a sense of humor any more.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Toronto’s city council is trying to strip Mayor Rob Ford of his powers. But the mayor is pretty defiant. He told the city council, ‘I am definitely not leaving this job’. Hey Mr. Mayor, that’s what I used to say!” – Jay Leno

“Today they took Rob Ford’s office budget and his staff away. He has been removed from his position on committees and lost his power to fill vacancies. The only power he has left is to represent the city at official functions. That’s actually the one I would be worried about.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Every time he’s in public, Rob Ford does something great. He’s my favorite new reality show. If he lived in America, we would be renewing him for a second season. ” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I would love to sit down with Rob Ford. The media make people out to look like they’re nuts. But I would like to get a sense of this man. Maybe we could do a buddy cop movie together.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Dow Jones average hit 16,000 for the first time. How about that? The bad news? It took us going $17 trillion in debt to get there.” – Jay Leno

“The U.S. Postal Service just announced that it lost only $5 billion this year, as opposed to $16 billion in 2012. Yeah, they lost ‘only’ $5 billion. Even Blockbuster was like, ‘You guys stink at running a business.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow will be the 150th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. It’s one of the better-known speeches of all mankind but at 272 words it was pretty short. It was supposed to be longer but what happened was Lincoln kept thanking people and the band played him off.” – David Letterman