Political Irony

“The last couple of weeks have been very tough for Republicans because of course they always have to call for the opposite of whatever Obama is saying or doing. And this has been hard when Obama himself has been changing his mind pretty much on a daily basis. First he was against the bombing, of course they were for it. Then he was for the bombing, now they’re against it. Now there’s a peace plan on the table, and the same Republicans who were saying he was acting too rash to call for strikes on Syria are now calling him a wimp for going with the diplomacy. They say in the end, whether he chooses war or peace, the hard truth is either way he is still inarguably, hopelessly black.” – Bill Maher

“It should be in the dictionary: ‘Black-track’, the act of changing one’s mind because President Obama has agreed with you. See also: ‘Pulling a one-hatey’, or the ‘Kenyan boomerang’.” – Bill Maher

“This would be simple if we had a Republican president because a Republican president could get a Republican Congress to bomb Sea World.” – Bill Maher

“McCain wants war so much, he resents meth labs because they blow themselves up.” – Bill Maher

“I am with the majority who don’t want to strike Syria. As horrible as chemical weapons are, lots of people don’t want to start new shit in the Middle East. I never understood the rationale behind this: ‘Assad you bastard, you monster, you have crossed a line no human may ever cross, even in war. We are going to bomb you. But just a little. Just a little poke there Satan.'” – Bill Maher

“It’s not that easy to go and secure all these chemical weapons. For one thing, the Syrians have been scattering stockpiles of the chemical weapons all over. They’ve even got some stored here in the U.S. It’s called Monsanto.” – Bill Maher

“The way it’s going to work is Assad is going to turn over his chemical weapons to Russia, who will then of course sell them to China, who will repackage them as off-brand roach spray, and you can get them at the 99 cent store.” – Bill Maher

“The peacemaker is Vladimir Putin. He is going to help us secure the chemical weapons, because if there is one thing you can trust Putin with, it’s poison. ” – Bill Maher

“Putin wrote that Op Ed in The New York Times yesterday and lectured America on democracy. This is like getting parenting notes from Billy Ray Cyrus.” – Bill Maher

“New Rule: Now that it’s been 60 years, Americans must accept the fact that rock stars like to mime sex acts on stage. Yes, they’re acting all hot and horny but they’re a lot like Congress; when all is said and done, what they’re actually doing is fucking nothing.” – Bill Maher

“Anthony Weiner did not really exit in a very classy way. After his concession speech, as he was leaving, the press was taunting him, and they got a picture through the window of the car of him holding up his middle finger. At least we hope that was his middle finger.” – Bill Maher

“New Rule: Anthony Weiner has to tell us how long he waited after he’d lost his election before he went back to jerking off with strangers online. Unless the answer is, ‘What do you think I’m doing behind this podium right now?'” – Bill Maher

“Russian President Vladimir Putin wrote a scolding Op-Ed piece in The New York Times. He thinks people still read The New York Times.” – Craig Ferguson

“Vladimir Putin has taken his criticism of America up a notch. Today he wrote an Op-Ed for The New York Times asking the U.S. to be more civilized. Unfortunately, Putin couldn’t finish it because he had to take his shirt off and arrest gay people.” – Conan O’Brien

“Putin said it’s dangerous for Americans to see themselves as ‘exceptional’ and said that, quote, ‘God created us equal’. Then he got back to arresting people for being gay.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The New York Times published an Op-Ed piece written by Vladimir Putin. Putin warns against American exceptionalism. He says it is dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation. He sounds like a fun dad, huh?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Russian President Vladimir Putin actually wrote an Op-Ed piece in The New York Times where he said it’s dangerous for Americans to see themselves as ‘exceptional’. Then he said, ‘Except for that Justin Timberlake. That guy is amazing.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Putin said that when Americans claim to be exceptional it offends other countries. This from a man who arrests his political opponents, persecutes people based on sexual orientation, and put a girl band in a labor camp for singing songs he didn’t like. We don’t think we are better than everyone else. We just think we are better than him, specifically.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“If you haven’t seen The New York Times piece, Putin said America should stay out of Syria. And then Putin said Khloe should dump Lamar because it’s for his own good.” –Craig Ferguson

“Syrian President Assad says he is turning over his chemical weapons because Russia asked him to, ‘not because of the U.S. threatening to bomb him’. Yeah, and Osama bin Laden is at the bottom of the ocean right now because he enjoys scuba diving.” – Jay Leno

“Today Pope Francis said that if you are an atheist, God will forgive you. And with that, 2,000 years of Christianity came to an end, ladies and gentlemen.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Francis just got a used car, a 1984 Renault with 190,000 miles on it. The Pope said he wanted an old car so he could drive around listening to his Billy Idol cassettes.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Pope recently purchased a 30-year-old car. He’s driving around Rome in a 30-year-old car. Can you imagine keeping a 30-year-old car on the road today? There’s your miracle, you know what I’m saying?” – David Letterman

“How crazy is it that the Pope has a car? Imagine driving through Rome and a Renault cuts in front of you. You flip the guy off, and it’s the Pope!” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Dennis Rodman has been hanging out again in North Korea. He just announced that he will train the North Korean basketball team for the Olympics. He’s going to teach them the key strategy that always worked for him – pass the ball to Michael Jordan.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Disturbing news for California. Californians have more unplanned pregnancies than any other state. Of course, keep in mind that California has many more NBA teams than any other state.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s quite a week for me because Eliot Spitzer lost his race for comptroller and Anthony Weiner lost his race for mayor. So that means I am back to being New York City’s biggest embarrassment.” – David Letterman

“Plans are being discussed for a reality show based on the White House. It’s called ‘Lame Duck Dynasty’.” – Jay Leno

“A Senate panel working on laws to protect the media has agreed on an official definition of a journalist. The new official definition of a journalist is a blogger wearing pants.” – Conan O’Brien

“Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence.” – Jon Stewart

“Today Syria agreed to a tentative plan to send all of its chemical weapons to Russia. Vladimir Putin said those weapons better not be gay.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new survey found Americans clicked on Miley Cyrus stories 12 times more often than stories about Syria and President Assad. Well, that makes sense. Wouldn’t you rather watch a twerk than a jerk?” – Jay Leno

“Syria is now saying they will agree to give up their chemical weapons if Miley Cyrus agrees to give up whatever it is she is doing.” – David Letterman

“You can tell that fall is coming. The leaves are changing faster than the White House position on Syria.” – Jay Leno

“John Kerry has given Syria one week to hand over its chemical weapons. And if they don’t … he’ll give them another week.” – Jay Leno

“The U.N. list of the happiest places on earth does not include Disneyland. Goofy is peeved. He’s like, ‘I’m going to bomb Syria. Well, maybe. Let’s see what Putin says’.” – Craig Ferguson

“The United Nations unveiled their list of the happiest places on earth. Doesn’t the United Nations have stuff to do? Aren’t things a little bit tense right now?” – Craig Ferguson

“According to the new U.N. world happiness report, the United States is the 17th happiest country in the world. The report says the happiest country is Denmark, followed by Norway, Switzerland, Netherlands, and Sweden. Way to go, super white people, I guess.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You’d be happy too if everyone you knew looked like Thor and Famke Janssen.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today was the primary for mayor of New York City. The city had to use old, lever voting machines from the 1960s because the electronic machines were too hard to program. Of course, it was awkward when Anthony Weiner said, ‘That’s not a lever’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today was the primary election for New York City mayor, and the new and improved iPhone came out. So kind of a bad news, good news day for Anthony Weiner.” – Conan O’Brien

“If Christine Quinn wins the New York City mayoral race, she’ll be the city’s first lesbian mayor. Which is why her campaign slogan is, ‘Christine Quinn: as far away from Weiner as you can get.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The newer voting machines weren’t properly programmed – or as Florida put it, ‘Never stopped us’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It got weird when officials checked the results and said, ‘The winner is … Richard Nixon?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last month 312,000 Americans stopped looking for work, causing the unemployment rate to fall to 7.3 percent. Today President Obama called it a step in the right direction and encouraged more Americans to stop looking for work.” – Jay Leno