Political Irony

“Public Policy Polling asked a group of 1,200 registered voters, and 13 percent said they believe Obama is the Antichrist and another 13 percent were not sure. I feel if he were the Antichrist, he would be getting more legislation passed.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, ‘That guy needs to learn how to shoot’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama went only two for 22. It’s tough times for Obama – one minute, he’s asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he’s asking them to lower the hoop.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today President Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it’s Congress.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama will attend the dedication of George W. Bush’s library this month. Apparently there’s still a lot of debris around the new building, or as Obama put it, ‘Don’t look at me, I’m still cleaning up your last mess’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening of his presidential library later this month. President Obama said he’s looking forward to going through the library to see if there was anything else he could blame Bush for.” – Jay Leno

“The White House has now put together a website for kids. It’s a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called ‘Irony.gov’.” – David Letterman

“The Associated Press, the largest newsgathering outlet in the world, will no longer use the term ‘illegal immigrant.’ That is out. They will now use the phrase ‘Undocumented Democrat’.” – Jay Leno

“The White House held its 135th annual Easter Egg Roll. President Obama and Mrs. Obama were there. The theme was ‘Be healthy, be active, be you.’ They had a yoga garden, which sounds like a place you threaten kids with when they are bad. ‘I will send you straight to the yoga garden, little mister’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you’ll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.” – Stephen Colbert

“Now, Obamacare raises eligibility for Medicaid to 133% of the poverty line, allowing it to cover 30 million more Americans by 2022. Thirty million medical moochers. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end, they would stretch to Canada, which is where they should move if they want free healthcare!” – Stephen Colbert

“President Obama is getting ready to unveil his new budget nine weeks after its original due date. Or as his dog Bo put it, ‘Yeah, yeah. I ate the first draft. I know the drill’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Folks, every day more and more freeloaders are sucking at the government teat. Which is especially troubling since Uncle Sam is a dude.” – Stephen Colbert

“Happy birthday to former Vice President Al Gore, 65 years old today. But sadly, he could not enjoy his party because he was so obsessed with how fast the ice cream was melting.” – Jay Leno

“I’ve never been a fan of Earth Day and it’s hippie dippy Kumbaya orgy of drum-circle-jerks.” – Stephen Colbert

“North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they’re stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars.” – Jay Leno

“According to the United Nations, more people have working cellphones than have working toilets. Hey, so do most Carnival cruise ships. That’s not unusual.” – Jay Leno

“North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. What did Dennis Rodman say to these people? What did he do?” – Jay Leno

“North Korea is warning the U.S. that war with South Korea may break out at any minute. Or as Obama put it, ‘Can’t believe I’m doing this. Get me Dennis Rodman’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday President Obama told reporters that his NCAA tournament bracket is busted. Obama said they were the worst picks he’s ever made – then he looked at his economic advisers and said, ‘Ehh, maybe not.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano – the person in charge of our national security – recently said she doesn’t email, text, or tweet. So remember: If you see something, say something – because there’s literally no other way she’ll get the message.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ashley Judd announced she will not be running for Senate in Kentucky against Mitch McConnell. And Mitch McConnell announced he will not be co-starring in any romantic comedies with Matthew McConaughey.” – Jay Leno

“A recent poll found that 58% of Americans now think it should be legal for gays and lesbians to get married. And the other 42% object only because they don’t want to go to another goddamn wedding.” – Stephen Colbert

“The Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. It could be a major blow for those who believe that marriage should be between two bitterly and eventually overweight people of the opposite sex.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Some people traveled to Washington and paid as much as $6,000 to watch the Supreme Court’s deliberations on gay marriage. Yeah, $6,000. Maybe that’s why the Supreme Court launched its 41-city Monsters of Gay Marriage Deliberation Tour.” – Conan O’Brien

“The arguments against same-sex marriage were given by lawyers for conservative activist groups and the arguments for it will be delivered tomorrow in song.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Personally, I rarely make good decisions when I’m wearing a robe.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Happy birthday to retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. She’s 83 years old today. And listen to this: In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday.” – Conan O’Brien

“Everybody’s still talking about March Madness, and it turns out that President Obama has correctly predicted 11 of the Sweet 16 teams. When Joe Biden was asked about his Sweet 16, he said, ‘It was great — I had a petting zoo and a clown.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night President Obama celebrated Passover by hosting a seder at the White House. There was an awkward moment when Sasha asked, ‘Hey, I thought we were Muslim.” – Conan O’Brien

“Last year the living expenses of the White House residents cost us taxpayers almost 4 million. The cost were mostly due to secret service pensions and Bill Clinton’s party bus.” – Conan O’Brien

“It was proposed this week that members of Congress use video conferencing and other remote technology to work from their home states instead of Washington. They figure they can get just as much ‘not done’ at home as they get ‘not done’ in Washington.” – Jay Leno

“Pope Francis met former Pope Benedict over the weekend at a Vatican retreat. They spent the weekend in prayer trying to figure out exactly what marshmallow Peeps have to do with Easter.” – Jay Leno

“I think I finally figured out where Sarah Palin came from. Someone cast a spell on a YouTube comment and it came to life.” – Jon Stewart

“The former Pope got together today with the new Pope for a Pope reunion special. They referred to each other as New Pope and Pope Classic.” – Craig Ferguson

“Over the weekend the current Pope and the former Pope had lunch together. The waiter who served them said they spent the whole time bitching about their boss.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Frank has wasted no time in reforming the church’s image. For instance, our pope now no longer looks like he’s out to crush the Rebel Alliance.” – Stephen Colbert

“New Secretary of State John Kerry — what do you think? Is he getting the job done? I don’t know. It’s hard to trust a secretary of state who is not wearing a pantsuit.” – David Letterman

“John Kerry visited Iraq and also Afghanistan. Meanwhile, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu is meeting with Dennis Rodman.” – David Letterman

“During his trip to the Middle East, President Obama helped restore Israel’s relationship with Turkey. Now, onto the final hurdle – restoring Israel’s relationship with pork.” – Conan O’Brien

“There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I guess the marijuana trend explains why White Castle is now offering an early bird special.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Thanks to Televangelists Pat Robertson and John Hagee, we know that bad weather is always God’s punishment for man’s moral failings. Hurricanes form from rising moisture created from hot, steamy man-action aboard a gay Caribbean cruise.” – Stephen Colbert

“The average American works six months a year for the government. Think about that. Government employees don’t even work six months a year for the government.” – David Letterman

“There’s a big controversy with the History Channel’s mini-series The Bible. Well, it seems the actor playing Satan bears an uncanny resemblance to President Obama. You know, this isn’t the first time the president’s been portrayed as the devil. FOX News does it every single day. This is not new.” – Jay Leno

“The Republican National Committee announced that it will spend $10 million to reach out to Hispanic, Asian, and African-American voters – you know, to ask them not to vote.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Congresswoman Michele ‘Nutball’ Bachmann back in the news. She has attacked what she calls the Obamas’ lavish White House lifestyle. She says they spend too much money on perks and things like a dog walker. That turns out to be totally not true. The Obamas do not pay someone to walk their dog. Joe Biden does that job every day for free.” – Jay Leno

“According to a new survey, the average member of Congress can speak only at a 10th-grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average 10th grader can speak only at a 5th-grade level.” – Jay Leno