Political Irony

“Stop buying the hype about North Korea. … Think about it – Monday is tax day. This is why your taxes are so high – because they scare you into giving your money to the Pentagon.” – Bill Maher

“Things are still very tense in North Korea. In fact, world leaders are still waiting to see if Kim Jong-un is going to actually fire a missile after this week’s deadline came and went. Apparently what happened was he messed up and bought Mentos and regular Coke. ” – Jimmy Fallon

“I want Kim Jong-un to test a missile because it’s always a spectacular disaster. He’s the only Asian in the world that doesn’t test well.” – Bill Maher

“John Boehner said today he wants to take away North Korea’s missiles, but he won’t because that’s a slippery slope from there to gun control.” – Bill Maher

“It’s looking like President Obama might actually get his gun control bill passed. Politicians are all weighing in, and yesterday Joe Biden said that some people buy guns because owning one feels like driving a Ferrari. At which point, Obama was like, ‘Stop helping’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Republicans did not have the votes for a filibuster, so there will be a debate about the gun bill. And given the recent rash of gun violence, Republicans said it was the least they could do. Literally, they had a meeting and said, ‘What is the least we can do?'” – Bill Maher

“Sixty eight senators want to move forward on background checks, and 31 – all of them Republicans – say no, that is the death of freedom. They are sticking with the principle that asking for any kind of ID would be a horrible violation of the Constitution… unless it keeps black people from voting. Then, it is a fantastic idea.” – Bill Maher

“Congressman Jeff Duncan today said background checks could lead to a national gun database, which would lead to genocide like in Rwanda when the Hutus slaughtered the Tutsis. See, this is why we should not get our hopes up for a gun control bill. It’s like talking about fire safety with a pyromaniac.” – Bill Maher

“Street corner crazies are now in Congress. Listen to this one. Congressman Steve Stockman tweeted his new slogan: ‘If babies had guns, they wouldn’t be aborted.’ What a great way for Republicans to win back women: ‘Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if your cooch had a gun in it?” – Bill Maher

“Paul Ryan said today, ‘We don’t want a country where abortion is simply outlawed, we want a country where it isn’t even considered.’ Really, Paul? That’s not what your mom told me.” – Bill Maher

“These people are mental. Congressman Joe Barton of Texas used Noah’s Ark as evidence that global warming doesn’t exist. He said, ‘If you’re a believer in the Bible, one would have to say the Great Flood is an example of climate change and that certainly wasn’t because mankind had overdeveloped hydrocarbon energy.’ Can we forget Noah? This guy needs to start collecting two of every chromosome.” – Bill Maher

“A college in North Carolina had a lockdown all day today because someone saw an armed man on campus. Students were told to stay inside, lock your doors, crawl under your bed, and enjoy your freedom.” – Bill Maher

“According to a new study, our views on immigration are changing. For example, when asked if they support a path to citizenship, 40 percent of the respondents said, ‘Si.'” – Jay Leno

“Anthony Weiner is making a comeback. He is tan, flaccid and ready. He wants to come back and maybe be the mayor of New York. There are only two things standing in his way: an unforgiving public and Instagram.” – Bill Maher

“Because of budget cuts, the Navy may have to cancel Fleet Week, where thousands of sailors dock in New York City. Of course if you want to see a bunch of people glad to be off a boat, you could just wait for a Carnival cruise to come in.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Margaret Thatcher died on Monday. Sarah Palin was very sad about her passing, but at least now she said Charles can be king.” – Bill Maher

“Iran is gearing up for a big presidential election in June. Yeah, this year it’s gonna be a tight race between Ahmadinejad and the guy they picked to lose to Ahmadinejad.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night President Obama hosted Republican senators for dinner at the White House. The president said he had to do without salt, pepper, and butter – because as you know, the Republicans refuse to pass anything.” – Jay Leno

“On Tuesday at the White House, President Obama sang with Justin Timberlake. It’s being called the blackest thing President Obama has ever done.” – Conan O’Brien

“According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans would vote for Ronald Reagan for president right now over Barack Obama. In fact, in the last election 58 percent of the people in Florida DID vote for Ronald Reagan.” – Jay Leno

“A long list of celebrities and musicians have signed a letter to President Obama asking him to ease the nation’s drug enforcement policy. Hollywood celebrities and musicians want the president to ease our drug laws – it’s always the people you least expect.” – Jay Leno

“The South Korean pop star Psy of ‘Gangnam Style’ fame just announced that he’ll release a new song tomorrow. As soon as they heard, North Korea said, ‘Now they’re really asking for it’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“North Korean officials reportedly are planning a cyber attack on the U.S. in an effort to bring our economy to a halt. Nice try guys. You’re five years too late.” – Jay Leno

“Donald Trump is going to be a grandfather. It’s true. That thing on his head is pregnant.” – Craig Ferguson

“After withdrawing from public life Anthony Weiner is ready to stick it back in. Folks, that takes balls. Sadly, we know he has them.” – Stephen Colbert

“Former Congressman Anthony Weiner said that he’s considering running for mayor of New York City. If nothing else I’m sure that he’ll provide some stiff competition.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I, for one, think Weiner would be a great New York City mayor. For one thing, we wouldn’t have to worry about a soda ban because we’ve all seen that he puts more than 16 ounces in his cup.” – Stephen Colbert

“Former Rep. Anthony Weiner? Remember him? He famously tweeted lewd photos of himself. He says he wants people to give him a second chance. Not in politics, but on Instagram.” – Conan O’Brien

“Come on, he’s the total package. I don’t want to be too hard on him. I don’t have a bone to pick with that guy.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Anthony Weiner, remember him? The Peter Tweeter? He’s now thinking of running for mayor of New York. And believe me, he has thought long and hard about this.” – Jay Leno

“I believe the time is right. Anthony Wiener is a changed man. His own brother gave The New York Times this moving testimonial: ‘There was definitely a douchiness about him I don’t see anymore’. I think his mayoral campaign just found his slogan: ‘Anthony Weiner, now less douchey’.” – Stephen Colbert

“That reduction, that lowering in the douchey level, has not come easy. As Weiner’s brother pointed out, ‘No one has been harder on him than he has been on him than he has been on himself.’ And we all know how hard he can be on himself.” – Stephen Colbert

“The Wall Street Journal said that Mr. Weiner didn’t respond to an email seeking comment. Hey, Anthony Weiner didn’t email or text you back? Consider yourself lucky!” – Jay Leno

“It’s starting to get serious – China has warned North Korea about starting a war. China told them flat out, ‘Do not fire any missiles at the United States at least until after we get our money. They owe us $16 trillion. Wait until then.'” – Jay Leno

“South Korean officials today say they’re highly confident that North Korea will launch a medium-range missile any time now. Which I guess means Dennis Rodman failed.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Some experts believe North Korea has a missile that could reach Los Angeles. And of course, if North Korea did attack Los Angeles, that would start a war with Mexico. The whole thing would escalate.” – Jay Leno

“Why do I feel like this whole thing could be solved by sending Kim Jong Un a Disneyland pass?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Finally, after months of wrangling, President Obama has unveiled his highly anticipated 2014 budget. And apparently neither Democrats nor Republicans are happy with it. Then Obama said, ‘Yeah, that’s how you know it’s good.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“During a fundraiser, President Obama raised some eyebrows when he called California’s Kamala Harris, quote, ‘the best-looking attorney general in the country’. Of course he said it was just a joke. Then Michelle was like, ‘Well, here’s another one: What’s black and white and sleeps on the couch?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“While at a fundraiser, President Obama called California’s attorney general, Kamala Harris, ‘the best-looking attorney general ever’. After the comment, the Secret Service added extra security to protect the president from first lady Michelle.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama said that Kamala Harris is the best-looking attorney general while at a fundraiser. So hopefully, that fundraiser was to buy a really nice necklace for Michelle.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today the president apologized for those remarks. And of course he had to apologize to Vice President Joe Biden because it’s Joe’s job to say stupid stuff that embarrasses the White House.” – Jay Leno

“We have a guy here in New York City who wanted to be mayor so he’s trying to bribe his way on to the ballot, laying out big, big money. And the scandal involves three Republicans and two Democrats. Finally, some bipartisanship!” – David Letterman

“North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It’s like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car.” – Bill Maher

“Everybody’s excited about college basketball’s tournament. You know who is a big fan of the Syracuse Orangemen? John Boehner.” – David Letterman

“Tensions continue to mount in this North Korea situation. The U.S. has moved a Navy warship off the coast of the Korean Peninsula. Is that going to scare the North Koreans? If you really want to scare them, don’t send a warship. Send a Carnival cruise ship.” – Jay Leno

“Right now there are two Kims in the news. There’s Kim Jong-Un, who’s the leader of North Korea, and then there’s Kim Kardaishian, the reality star who’s having a baby with Kanye West. It can be kind of tough to keep track of who’s who. Kim Kardashian’s life is like a roller coaster; Kim Jong-Un isn’t tall enough to ride one. Kim Kardashian’s favorite movie is called Failure to Launch; Kim Jong-Un’s nuclear program is called Failure to Launch.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This week, President Obama announced a $100 million initiative to map the human brain. Joe Biden said, ‘You can map mine for a lot less’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It seems like every single day, President Obama finds a new way to waste our tax dollars. I mean, two daughters? Seems a little redundant.” – Stephen Colbert

“Last night Jimmy Fallon — on his program, which used to be our program, which used to be Conan’s program — announced that he was taking over for Jay Leno. When I heard this I said to myself, ‘It’s amazing that this information didn’t leak out earlier.'” – David Letterman

“Jay, for leaving ‘The Tonight Show’ for the second time, gets $15 million. It’s the same deal that the Kardashian husband gets. It’s the same deal the old Pope got.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday NBC announced Jay’s retirement. And today they officially began regretting it. But you don’t have to worry. Jay always bounces back and that’s what Fallon ought to be worried about.” – David Letterman

“They give Jay $15 million NOT to host to ‘The Tonight Show’. They gave Conan $30 million NOT to host ‘The Tonight Show’. I have not hosted ‘The Tonight Show’ longer than both of them put together. WHERE IS MY MONEY?” – David Letterman