“Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare.” – Jay Leno
“The long national nightmare is finally over. We have expressed our will at the polls. The results have been tallied and we proved once again that American democracy is alive and well — even if Florida was more confused than an old person with an iPhone.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama defeated Mitt Romney last night. We know this for sure despite the fact that the returns from Florida still have not been counted. What goes on in Florida? They had four years to fix this. We need to make sure Florida never gets the Olympics.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The presidential election is that special time every four years when Americans gather around their TVs to be reminded where the states are on a map.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Well, it’s over, and as usual, the guy from Kenya won.” – David Letterman
“Yesterday was a historic day. Everyone marked it in different ways. A Kenyan woman gave birth to twin boys and named them Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Obviously she named the one that came out second Mitt Romney.” – Conan O’Brien
“It was a big night for the Democrats. Obama won the electoral vote and the popular vote. Mitt Romney on the other side won the unpopular vote.” – David Letterman
After 18 months, the election is over. You know what made a big difference last night? The Hispanic vote. The president got 70 percent of the Hispanic vote in Colorado and Nevada. And in New Hampshire, Obama got the support of both Latino guys.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today everyone was busy looking at all the different numbers, trying to figure out who voted for which candidate. President Obama beat Mitt Romney by 38 points among single women. They say it’s because of Obama’s final campaign slogan, ‘Hope and Pinot Grigio’.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Exit polls show that President Obama did well with women, beating Romney by 11 binders.” – Jay Leno
“In a stage show Madonna urged her audience to vote for President Obama. You know what’s unbelievable? Madonna has been right in every election since Calvin Coolidge.” – Jay Leno
“The president also got help in the election last night with 70 percent of the Jewish vote. When Jewish voters heard their support for Obama was so high, they were like, ‘Eh, coulda been better.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mitt Romney did well with certain voters. It was close. He had the support of men, people over 45, and married women. In other words, Mitt Romney had the support of Mitt and Ann Romney.” – Conan O’Brien
“Keep in mind, this was no landslide, folks. It was like a 51-49er. Just because Obama won these blue states up here, he’s the president of all of them now? Look, Romney won all that red stuff. Why don’t we elect our president on square footage? Because Romney won some big states, folks, the whole damn south.” – Stephen Colbert
“Obama won last night, and for the Democrats that’s great, so we’ll just have to wait and see what happens in tonight’s debate.” – David Letterman
“A victory like this is just the kind of thing that might sway the undecided voters.” – David Letterman
“In his victory speech last night, President Obama told his daughters that they would not be getting another dog. When asked why, the president said, ‘Because I just made Mitt Romney my bitch.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt waited until 1 a.m. to give his concession speech. They were talking to him and said what are you going to do now? And he said, ‘I plan to spend some time with my tax returns.'” – David Letterman
“Some Republicans are taking it hard. Clint Eastwood spent the entire day buying drinks for an empty bar stool.” – David Letterman
“A lot of people said over the last few weeks that if Obama wins, they’re going to move to Canada. How come nobody threatens to move to Mexico? That must be depressing for them.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The illegal electioneering went all the way to the ballot itself. All over the country, what did voters have to do on their scantron sheets? Fill in an ‘O.’ Huh, where have I seen that before? And no surprise, it starts out white and you’re forced to fill it in black.” – Stephen Colbert
“Actually I thought Mitt Romney was very gracious last night. He gave a very touching concession speech. And the good news for Romney is that he can still run for president of the Cayman Islands.” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney was very gracious in his remarks in his concession speech. Shortly after Mitt Romney conceded, Paul Ryan was untied and set free.” – David Letterman
“This morning the stock market plunged over 300 points. You know why? Romney pulled his money out.” – Jay Leno
“The had a CBS exit poll last night. 100 percent of the people questioned in the exit poll said they were leaving.” – David Letterman
“Some more good news – the president announced today he is not going to raise taxes on the entire 1 percent, just Donald Trump.” – Jay Leno
“Trump is not giving up. When it was announced that President Obama easily won the Electoral College, Trump demanded to see Obama’s Electoral College records.” – Jay Leno
“I really think in all of what happened yesterday, the only person who should be considered a ‘loser’ is Donald Trump. I’ll tell you why. He went on Twitter demanding a revolution. So far no one’s listened to him — because he’s Donald Trump! After that, Trump tweeted, ‘The world is laughing at us.’ I’m thinking, No, Donald. The world is laughing at you and this is why. It is because you’re wearing an orange face and a crazy wig. This is the uniform the world over of a clown! Nobody laughs WITH the clown. They laugh AT the clown. Then when the clown gets angry, it is funnier.” – Craig Ferguson
“Donald Trump is starting to lose it. At one point last night on Twitter, he called for revolution since Obama won. The man’s a billionaire who owns golf courses, okay. You don’t call for revolution. Billionaires are the first ones beheaded during a revolution.” – Jay Leno
“Vice President Joe Biden said now that the election is over, he’s going to take a vacation. He’s been vice president for four years. That is a vacation!” – Jay Leno
“There’s talk that ABC news anchor Diane Sawyer seemed drunk on the air last night. Sawyer was like, ‘Breaking news — we are now calling . . . my ex-boyfriend Nick to see what HE’S up to these days.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday Maine and Maryland approved gay marriage. And today Delaware confessed to being bi-curious.” – Conan O’Brien
“Colorado and Washington have become the first states to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. That’s a big deal because here in California, you can use marijuana legally only if you receive it for a fake medical condition.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Last night Colorado became the first state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. They just renamed their NBA team the Denver McNuggets.” – Jimmy Fallon
