Political Irony

“The other big news, Obama’s big surprise visit to Afghanistan this week. And this was a surprise. I mean a surprise! I mean the Secret Service barely had time to get condoms and lube.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama visited Afghanistan — unplanned, unannounced, just went right to Afghanistan. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney got in his car and drove through the rough part of Beverly Hills.” – David Letterman

“Obama went to Afghanistan on the anniversary of killing bin Laden. He made a big speech about how we’re winning the war and how our troops are coming home. Of course, we’re not winning the war and the troops are not coming home. Other than that, a great speech.” – Bill Maher

“And the Republicans, of course, were livid that on the anniversary of the killing of bin Laden, that Obama went over there and celebrated that. How dare he run for President using his accomplishments as President. We knew his campaign would be ugly, but stooping to facts?” – Bill Maher

“Could you imagine what Bush would have done if he had gotten bin Laden? I mean, this is a guy who played dress-up to celebrate a war he lost. If he had gotten bin Laden, he would have spent his whole second term in a Batman costume.” – Bill Maher

“And poor Mitt Romney, trying to make hay out of this. Mitt Romney who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, on record saying he would not violate Pakistan’s border to get bin Laden, this week said, ‘Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.’ Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously?” – Bill Maher

“According to documents recovered from Osama Bin Laden’s compound before his death, the Al Qaeda leader was worried that morale in the terrorist organization was fading. Bin Laden was concerned that his men were so depressed they wouldn’t commit suicide.” – Seth Meyers

“We are learning more and more from those newly released documents from Osama bin Laden’s compound. For example, it said bin Laden was not a great businessman — like when he bought a bomb the salesmen would always trick him into buying the extended warranty.” – Jay Leno

“The documents also revealed that a spokesperson for Al Qaeda had said that Fox News ‘lacks neutrality.’ I’m not usually one to defend Fox News but right back at ya, Al Qaeda.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama on Monday unveiled his re-election slogan, ‘Forward.’ Which is strange because it seems like every forward I get is Anti-Obama.” – Seth Meyers

“This week the president unveiled his new campaign slogan, ‘Forward.’ … And Mitt Romney unveiled his slogan, ‘My money might be offshore, but my heart’s right here in America.'” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has dropped out of the presidential race. Next stop: ‘Dancing with the Stars.'” – David Letterman

“New Rule, Newt Gingrich cannot end his campaign, as he did, by calling it a ‘wild ride.’ Seeing how he looks exactly like Mr. Toad. Oh, in fairness, there’s a difference between Newt’s campaign and Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. One twists and turns through fantasy-land and makes you want to throw up. And the other one is at Disneyland.” – Bill Maher

“Now Newt will not be able to fulfill his lifelong dream of losing by a landslide.” – David Letterman

“Mitt’s wife Ann Romney, Mrs. Mitt, said there’s another Mitt Romney that is wild and crazy. She says that one time he changed his name to Mitta World Peace.” – David Letterman

“Mitt got the endorsement of Michele Bachmann. Michele Bachmann’s husband Marcus said he would also like to get behind Romney.” – Bill Maher

“Tomorrow’s Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Mayo, of course, celebrates the victory of the Mexican army over the French. You know, if you have to use defeating the French military as a reason to spend the day drinking, you’re probably an alcoholic already.” – Jay Leno

“In an effort to curtail health costs, the Food and Drug Administration is now considering allowing the purchase of drugs without a prescription. You know what that means? One day Americans could actually be able to buy marijuana without ever seeing a doctor.” – Jay Leno

“More than 330 million shares of Facebook stock will be sold later this month. It’s great – now you can own a piece of the website that completely owns YOU.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama hosts an early Cinco de Mayo White House party today. I thought it was weird when he made all the guests climb over the fence to get in.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has promised now that we’ll be out of Afghanistan by 2024. That’s just right around the corner. That’s the same deal I have with CBS.” – David Letterman

“Well, as you know, President Obama was in Afghanistan earlier this week, as part of his big ‘Did I Mention I killed bin Laden?’ tour.” – Jay Leno

“The Army is releasing Osama bin Laden documents including his final words. I think they were, ‘Who’s knocking on my door at this hour?'” – Jay Leno

“A new biography about the president states that he took ‘artistic liberties’ in his memoir and says that he ‘fictionalized details for narrative clarity.’ That means President Obama just made some crap up. How is this news? He’s a politician. How do you think he got to be the president? You make crap up. You want to be a senator, you come out of college, you start lying and you just don’t quit.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person … So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan. It’s all the same.” – Jay Leno

“It’s weird to me what Obama chose to fabricate in his memoir. It wasn’t something cool he made up, like hitting six home runs in a little league game, or faking his own birth certificate. No, it was something lame. He just compressed the details of several girlfriends into one character. I’m thinking, oh, very smooth. Because if there’s one thing I know that women love, it’s being blurred together with other women.” – Craig Ferguson

“Hey, did you guys hear about this? Last week, the brakes on President Obama’s limousine were apparently damaged while he was in Georgia. Yeah, Obama tried to call AAA, while Biden tried to call the Geico gecko.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday. It wasn’t as big a surprise as last year’s Navy SEALs trip to Pakistan, but it was big.” – Jay Leno

“Vice President Joe Biden stayed behind. He did not go on this trip. Well, thank God for that. What if there had been an emergency here at home and Americans needed somebody to come up and say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time?” – Jay Leno

“Senator Joe Biden and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg played a round of golf together last week. Biden shot an 89 while Bloomberg shot the person who arranged a round of golf with Joe Biden.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Not such a great day for President Obama. Today he admitted he ‘made up’ a girlfriend in his autobiography. It’s a good thing Oprah’s off the air because this would have gotten him kicked out of the book club.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama has come up with a new campaign slogan — ‘Forward’ — that’s the slogan. And believe me, if unemployment doesn’t improve by November, it’ll be ‘Forward my mail.'” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is fighting back at charges by President Obama and Vice President Biden that if Romney were president, Osama bin Laden would still be alive. Romney said if he were president, bin Laden would have died a slow and painful death. He wouldn’t have ordered a hit. He would’ve canceled his healthcare.” – Jay Leno

“Another parent of the year nominee, Levi Johnston, will become a father again — with another girlfriend. They have already settled on a name, and that name is Breeze Beretta. I’m surprised by this. Levi usually makes sound decisions.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Beretta is the name of a gun manufacturer. How bittersweet for Sarah Palin.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Levi Johnston and his girlfriend revealed that they will name their child Breeze Beretta. I can’t tell if it’s a boy or a girl or a Jamba Juice.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new report found that prostitutes are using Twitter as a free way to advertise. They are getting a lot of retweets from one user — @secret service.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey found that a third of Americans would not be able to pass the U.S. citizenship test. It’s true. That’s a real insult to our founding fathers — Denzel Washington and George Jefferson.” – Jimmy Fallon

This is definitely NSFW, but too funny to not watch anyway:

Starring Kate Beckinsale, Judy Greer, Andrea Savage, and Funny or Die.