Political Irony

“Tomorrow night is the 20th Republican debate, which explains that new campaign slogan, ‘Vote Mitt Romney — or else we’ll keep doing this.’” – Jimmy Fallon

“Everyone throws beads on Mardi Gras. The beads are paid for by local businessmen who ride on elaborate floats and toss little trinkets to the desperate masses in the streets. Which is also Mitt Romney’s economic plan.” – Craig Ferguson

“It’s been reported that Mitt Romney’s campaign is spending cash twice as fast as they’re earning it. Hey, it turns out he is just like us after all.” – Conan O’Brien

“Santorum says that if he’s elected, he’s going to leave the interns alone and just screw the American people directly.” – Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum also said that global warming is politics, not science. And he said he’ll defend that position to the edge of the earth. “If I have to fall off…” – Jay Leno

“This guy is really conservative. In fact, Rick Santorum is so conservative he won’t even go down on an escalator.” – Jay Leno

“He’s so conservative he wants ballpark franks to stop plumping when you cook ’em. That’s how conservative.” – Jay Leno

“In fact, Santorum is so conservative he won’t even let the UPS guy handle his package. That’s how conservative.” – Jay Leno

“Bob Morris, a state lawmaker from Fort Wayne, Ind., has decided not to support a proposal to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. He believes the Girl Scouts is a, quote, radicalized organization that supports homosexuality and abortion. I’m all for freedom of speech, but that kind of talk might get you picked as Rick Santorum’s running mate.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Girl Scouts sell cookies. They don’t promote homosexuality. They promote obesity.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has outlawed gay marriage with one exception. He said Ben and Jerry, they’re OK. They can go ahead and get married. Usually the only thing Chris Christie vetoes is a salad.” – David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich called President Obama ‘the most dangerous president in U.S. history.’ But then he said ‘on the dance floor.’” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night PBS began airing a four-hour documentary about Bill Clinton and his presidency, and tonight they spent 40 minutes just on Monica Lewinsky. Forty minutes! That’s 38 more minutes than Bill spent on her.” – Jay Leno

“Political analysts say the key voting bloc could be birth control moms. Birth control moms are women who use birth control but apparently not correctly.” – Conan O’Brien

It was the last Republican presidential debate before Super Tuesday. What? You didn’t watch it? No matter. It is much more fun to watch Jon Stewart make fun of it:

If that isn’t interesting enough, read Matt Taibbi explain why he enjoyed watching the Republican candidates stick long knives into each other’s backs at the debate:

This is justice. What we have here are chickens coming home to roost. It’s as if all of the American public’s bad habits and perverse obsessions are all coming back to haunt Republican voters in this race: The lack of attention span, the constant demand for instant gratification, the abject hunger for negativity, the utter lack of backbone or constancy (we change our loyalties at the drop of a hat, all it takes is a clever TV ad): these things are all major factors in the spiraling Republican disaster.

Most importantly, though, the conservative passion for divisive, partisan, bomb-tossing politics is threatening to permanently cripple the Republican party. They long ago became more about pointing fingers than about ideology, and it’s finally ruining them.

Go read the whole article, it is excellent.

“Rick Santorum released his tax returns this week, and under withholding he wrote ‘oral sex’.” – Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum’s tax returns show that last year, he paid doubled the tax rate that Mitt Romney paid. Romney is much more clever with the deductions. He writes off poor people.” – Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum doesn’t like sex. He doesn’t like the pill. He really doesn’t like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest.” – Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum is conservative; he’s so conservative he won’t even use weed whacker. That’s how conservative.” – Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative that after his last colonoscopy he went to confession. That’s how bad.” – Jay Leno

“He is so conservative he thinks male bankers should only screw over female customers. That’s how bad.” – Jay Leno

“He’s so conservative he won’t even go to Home Depot to get wood. That’s how bad.” – Jay Leno

“He is so conservative he won’t even acknowledge the planet Uranus. That’s how bad…” – Jay Leno

“Here’s the good news for liberals. A new poll shows that Santorum and Romney are beating each other up so bad that Obama is now ahead of both of them – another tragic result of white-on-white crime.” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney could lose his home state of Michigan. He keeps shooting himself in the foot. He wrote an Op-Ed in the Detroit newspaper reminding them that he opposed the automobile bailout. And then he kicked off his Wisconsin ‘fuck cheese’ tour.” – Bill Maher

“The FDA came out with a study. They discovered lead in 400 different types of lipstick. And that’s just from samples taken from Newt Gingrich’s penis.” – Bill Maher

© Matt Bors

Wow, this makes more sense than most of what Santorum actually says.

Or if you want to see more silly quotes from the candidates, try this political quote generator.