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Late Night Political Humor

“Everyone got what they wanted this week; liberals got a home run State of the Union from their President of the United States and conservatives got Heidi Klum back from Seal.” – Bill Maher

“There was another Republican debate in Florida tonight. What is left to know about these candidates? Is someone going to confess to a murder?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“These debates have jumped the shark because last night the Republicans talked about three things: deporting Mexican grandmothers, building a colony on the moon that could become the 51st state, and how Obama is out of touch.” – Bill Maher

“Fortunately, tonight’s debate was the last one we’re going to see. The candidates are going to take a break, spending more time attacking the morals of their families.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich — this is guy is clinical. He thinks he’s some sort of intergalactic ruler. He said by the end of my second term as president, we will have a colony on the moon, and if there are enough people there, it can petition to be the 51st state. We’ll call it Lunarchusetts.” – Bill Maher

“Newt may be toast already. The Republican establishment have the knives out for him. Tom Delay said Newt Gingrich was the most despicable human being he has seen since shaving this morning.” – Bill Maher

“According to new polls that just came out, Mitt Romney does very well with Republican voters who make more than $200,000. Or as Romney calls them, ‘trailer trash.’” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney said he loves Florida. All the sunshine and sandy beaches reminds him of the country where he keeps his money.” – Bill Maher

“Yes, Mitt finally released his tax returns for one year. It turns out he keeps a lot of his money in the Cayman Islands, in Bermuda, Luxembourg, a Swiss bank account. And he said he’s not trying to evade paying taxes by keeping his money in these places. That’s like saying I got caught with meth and crack, but it wasn’t because I was trying to get high.” – Bill Maher

“Look at that [image of Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer’s finger in Obama’s face]. Right to the President of the United States. Now, Jan Brewer says she regrets the confrontation, but these are the kind of problems that arise when we permit negroes to read.” – Bill Maher

“She also said, I swear to God, this is the quote — yesterday she was interviewed about this, she said she felt a ‘little bit threatened.’ Really? On the tarmac in broad daylight? By the — what was he going to do, deck her? Or buy the house next door? I mean, wow. Lord help this woman if she ever runs into a really scary black guy like Wayne Brady or Urkel.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama spent last night in Las Vegas. This morning he woke up on his hotel room floor trying to figure out what to do about a tiger, baby and 9 percent unemployment.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton said this week she’s gonna quit if Obama wins a second term. She said she’s tired… she just wants to do nothing. And Joe Biden said ‘I’m still not giving you my job.’” – Bill Maher

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Simplified Tax Form


© Ed Stein

[plus commentary from Ed Stein]

In F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “The Great Gatsby,” Nick Carraway observes that “the rich are different from you and me.” Mitt Romney’s tax returns confirm it. The rich have access to deductions, evasions, loopholes and favorable rates we working stiffs can only dream of. The absurd truth is that the wages earned by those of us who get paychecks from employers are taxed at the highest rate of any income. The lucky stiffs who run hedge funds and private equity firms get to take income as carried interest, whatever that means. In tax terms, it means they get to make lots of money for investing other people’s money and have it taxed at obscenely low rates compared to what we working stiffs pay. Then there are the Cayman Islands accounts and Swiss banks. Show of hands, please. How many of you have Swiss bank accounts? I don’t resent wealth; like most Americans, I aspire to it. What I deeply resent is a political system that jiggers tax law to favor the rich over the rest of us, feeding the income inequality that destroys opportunity and stagnates growth. The wealth disparity in America already rivals that of many Third World countries and our storied social mobility is rapidly becoming a fondly remembered relic of bygone days.

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The Story Behind the Gaffe

Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t said anything about Mitt Romney’s recent gaffe, where he said he didn’t care about the poor. That’s because despite his rather poor choice of words (pun intended), what he was really trying to say was that it is the middle class he really cares about.

The media fascination with gaffes is annoying and trivializes our political discourse.

Case in point — while everyone is piling on about this gaffe, hardly anyone is pointing out the hypocrisy of Romney’s larger point, which is Romney claiming that he cares about the middle class. I mean, seriously?

According to an analysis by the Washington Post:

A quarter of the money amassed by Romney’s campaign and an allied super PAC has come from just 41 people, each of whom has given more than $100,000, according to a Washington Post analysis of disclosure data. Nearly a dozen of the donors have contributed $1 million or more.

Who are these donors? Besides executives who (like Romney) got rich at Bain Capital, there are bankers at Goldman Sachs, and — worst of all — a hedge fund mogul who made money on the housing crash.

These are the people who are supporting Mitt Romney, and to whom he will be beholden if he is elected president. And he claims his real concern is the middle class? Don’t make me laugh.

Indeed, Romney’s policies are designed to help the very richest, like his strong support for lower tax rates for “carried interest”, which is how companies like Bain Capital made most of their money — not from any investment, but from a tax loophole. How bad is this loophole? A recent survey from Bloomberg News showed that “two-thirds of money managers consider the low tax treatment for carried interest unjustified.” And that’s just the people who benefit from the loophole.

Romney supports loopholes that benefit the richest of the rich, while screwing everyone else. If he wants me to believe that he cares about the middle class, he’s going to have to do a lot more than just pretend to care. Perhaps the main significance of his “gaffe” is that maybe it shows that even he doesn’t believe what he is saying.

UPDATE: But let it not be said that Mitt Romney doesn’t care. In 1996, Romney basically shut down Bain Capital and had all the employees help find the missing daughter of one of the partners.

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Diebold accidentally releases 2012 election results

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Is This The End of the Health Insurance Industry?

An interesting opinion piece in the New York Times predicts that a little known provision of the health care reform act will mean that American health insurance companies will go the way of the dinosaurs by the year 2020.

The provision in question sets up Accountable Care Organizations (ACOs), which are paid not for preforming procedures and tests like our current insurance reimbursed doctors and hospitals, but for keeping patients healthy.

It sounds like a good idea. In fact, such a good idea that it already exists in Health Maintenance Organizations (HMOs). Aware of this, the article devotes a paragraph to explaining how ACOs are not the same thing as HMOs.

I want to believe, but I’m not sure.

It isn’t that I disagree with the article’s basic premise — that the health insurance industry is already largely superfluous. In fact, it is hardly providing insurance at all. Sixty percent of people with employer-provided health insurance work for companies that are self-insured, where the company assumes the risk of providing the insurance part of the equation. In this case, which is most of the time, health insurance companies are acting as glorified billing claim processors. And that doesn’t even include all the people who are on Medicare or Medicaid.

For individuals and small business, health insurance companies do actually assume the risk, but again they are not acting as providers of true insurance where risks are spread out evenly over a population since they cherry-pick healthy people to insure and exclude unhealthy people from coverage.

And they aren’t even very good at processing health care claims. They are not only expensive themselves, but they increase costs for doctors, hospitals, patients, and also often stand in the way of treating people for simple health problems that later become expensive problems. No wonder our health care system is so expensive and has such poor results.

So, will ACOs actually solve this problem? Or will they fall prey to the same issues that plagued HMOs?

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Romney v. Romney

Romney debates himself:

It is going to be a very interesting presidential election.

UPDATE: CNN, CNBC, and others have forced the removal of this video from YouTube, despite the fact that it is clearly fair use. This really pisses me off.

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Now we know who ‘stupid’ is


© Clay Bennett

As expected, Mitt Romney won the Republican primary in Florida by 14 percentage points. Gingrich did not offer any congratulations to Romney, and vowed to fight on.

At this point, I’m officially losing interest.

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Late Night Political Humor

“A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, ‘I’ll be there in five teachers.'” – Conan O’Brien

“What’s interesting is in the time it took you to think about that joke, Mitt Romney made $65 million.” – Conan O’Brien

“House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says she has dirt on Newt Gingrich, but so far she’s keeping her lips sealed — because that’s how the last surgeon left them.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama told the nation ‘The state of our union is strong,’ while Newt Gingrich told his wife, ‘The state of our union is open.'” – Conan O’Brien

“His State of the Union speech was written so 8th graders could understand it. Which explains the part where Obama said, ‘I wasted bin Laden, LMAO!'” – Conan O’Brien

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Show me the Romney


© Adam Zyglis

Will 2012 be convincing evidence that the Citizen’s United decision by the Supreme Court now means that it is now possible to simply buy an election?

UPDATE: Romney claims that he was “vastly outspent” by Gingrich in South Carolina, which is why he lost there. But independent analyses show that Romney’s campaign and associated super PAC spent almost twice the amount of pro-Gingrich groups in South Carolina. And now in Florida, Romney is outspending Gingrich five to one.

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Who Needs Pesky Product Safety Regulations?

So, how’s deregulation working out for ya?

A few days ago, Scotts Miracle-Gro (whose brands include Ortho, Scotts, Miracle-Gro, Roundup, Earthgro, Black Magic, Hyponex, Osmocote, Morning Song, Whitney Farms, Supersoil, Bovung, and Country Pride) agreed to plead guilty and pay $4.5 million in fines, for not one but two product safety incidents.

The first incident involved selling wild birdseed that was coated with a pesticide that is toxic to birds. The company coated their birdseed so that it would not be eaten by insects while in storage, and continued to do so even after multiple warnings — including from their own employees — that it was “extremely toxic”.

The second (and separate) incident involved falsifying EPA pesticide registrations for their lawn and garden products, even going so far as to tell the EPA that they must have lost their files.

And what steps is the company taking to recover from this? They just announced that they are increasing spending on advertising 28% to $141 million total (31 times the amount of the fine). This includes a deal with Major League Baseball to hang “Scotts is Used Here” banners in ballparks to “give homeowners the illusion that they can have Fenway Park in their back yard just by dumping on some Weed ‘N Feed”. Even worse, Scotts just announced a “partnership” with the National Wildlife Federation, which sounds like a blatant attempt to greenwash their bad reputation.

Meanwhile, Scotts is leading a battle in Florida to overturn bans on the use of nitrogen fertilizer on lawns during the summer. These fertilizers wash off during the rainy summer season and cause massive (and toxic) blooms of red-tide and green slime, hurting not just wildlife but also tourism, but the bans are bad for Scott’s profits.

Oh, and Jim Hagedorn, the CEO who was ultimately responsible for all this? Still at the helm of the company, despite comments like this:

Hagedorn is the sole reason for this issue. He has created a toxic culture (literally) based purely on profit and greed and his warped business sense. I know quite a few former Scotts employees that are highly talented and very ethical people that were pushed out by Hagedorn in his effort to create high turnover in order to “keep ideas fresh”.

Hagedorn makes Mr. Burns look angelic. He is the poster child for what’s wrong with corporate america.

You know, some politicians say that we don’t need regulations, that consumers should just stop buying products from companies they don’t like. As for the former, we would never have known about this company selling deadly birdseed if not for the federal government. But as for the latter, it sounds like a consumer boycott would be a very good idea.

UPDATE: Apparently the National Wildlife Federation has changed their mind and will now “end the partnership”.

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Wrong Street Candidate

Mitt Romney may be financed by Wall Street, but it could be worse. The Las Vegas casino owner who has almost singlehandedly financed Newt Gingrich’s surge in South Carolina by donating $10 million (and promising even more) to Newt Gingrich’s super PAC “Winning our Future” is being investigated by the Department of Justice and the SEC for violating federal bribery laws and for ties to Chinese organized crime. Sheldon Adelson is the founder and CEO of the Las Vegas Sands Corp, which also owns casinos in China. Adelson is the 8th richest man in America.

Super PACs, of course, were made possible by the Supreme Court decision in Citizen’s United.


© Matt Wuerker

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Late Night Political Humor

“President Obama gave his annual State of the Union address. And the State of the Union for 2012 is Kentucky. Congratulations.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s a State of the Union drinking game. Let me just say this, if you really are playing the State of the Union drinking game, you’re probably an alcoholic.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Obama focused on four areas he believes are the keys to restoring economic security. Energy, manufacturing, education, and TV shows about cupcakes, which we love.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“We were ready for Romney to win the Republican nomination, so we had our puns ready: ‘Bright Lights, Big Mitty,’ ‘Mittizen Bain,’ and “Mormon-y, Less Problems.” But then … ‘The Gingrich Who Stole South Carolina.'” – Jon Stewart

“After Iowa and New Hampshire, Newt’s campaign looked terminally ill, which is when he generally moves on to something better.” – Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney released his tax records and they showed that he earned $42 million over the last two years. So now the other candidates aren’t running for president. They’re running to be Mitt Romney.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum (is taking) fire from the left. He may want to get a Kevlar sweater vest.” – Stephen Colbert

“Last night folks, Republicans held their eighteenth debate. The question on everyone’s mind: Who cares?” – Stephen Colbert

“People who saw Steven Tyler sing the National Anthem at the Patriots game yesterday said, ‘Nancy Reagan really looks good for her age.” But Steven Tyler got some of the lyrics wrong, so now everyone thinks the song goes, ‘Flag looks like a lady.'” – Conan O’Brien

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Wall Street Candidate

I’m a great believer in following the money, so I often wonder where Mitt Romney gets most of his campaign money? It doesn’t seem to be from the Republican base, unless if you consider Wall Street to be the (real) Republican base.

Romney has raised millions from Wall Street. In fact, Romney has received more campaign money from the financial sector than all other presidential candidates combined (yes, that includes Barack Obama).

Of course, Wall Street will be getting their money’s worth. Romney has promised to repeal the Wall Street reform bill passed in 2010, designed to prevent another financial crisis.

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Race to the Finished


© Tom Toles

Even Rudy Giuliani — somewhat of a loose cannon himself — asks of Newt Gingrich “What The Hell Are You Doing?”

I also want to point out the irony of Gingrich accusing Obama of being like Saul Alinsky, when it is Gingrich himself who seems to be channeling the radical community organizer.

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Bi-Partisan


© Ben Sargent

Obama is a socialist! Obama is a fascist!

He enacted a government takeover of health care. He’s cutting Medicare.

He’s a big spender. And he wants to destroy our military by reducing its budget.

He’s in the pocket of Wall Street. He’s anti-business.

Plus he destroyed our economy and jobs before he even got elected president.

[feel free to submit other contradictory prognostications on the president in the comments. Extra points if they were said by the same person.]

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