Political Irony

“Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.” – David Letterman

“Gays can now openly serve in the military, which is good news, unless you’re gay and you don’t want to join the military and they reinstate the draft.” – Jay Leno

“The meeting of the U.N. General Assembly is going well this year. So far we haven’t heard one of them yell, ‘It was consensual!'” – David Letterman

“President Obama addressed the United Nations General Assembly. He opened up with a joke: ‘The American dollar is strong.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“During a fundraiser in New York last night, President Obama said he was quote ‘in a New York state of mind.’ Of course, in a year he might be singing that other Billy Joel song, ”Movin’ Out.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s hometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune has called on Obama not to run for re-election. He has to run. He knows there are no other jobs out there.” – Jay Leno

“The Solyndra executives are scheduled to testify before Congress, and they’re expected to take the 5th. Why not take the 5th? They’ve already taken $535 million.” – Jay Leno

“The Tea Party is forming its own debt super committee that will meet this week at a Florida Denny’s. You do not want to be the waiter that adds the tax to their check.” – Conan O’Brien

“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that he is releasing the two American hikers from captivity in Iran on humanitarian grounds. Then he went back to torturing dissidents.” – David Letterman

“Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that’s a good way to honor Lincoln – by sending people to the theater.” – Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney is played by Jason Sudeikis, Rick Perry is Alec Baldwin, and there are also “six people who will never be president but showed up anyway.”

© Matt Wuerker

In a completely transparent bid to deflect the issue, Republicans are now calling for billionaire Warren Buffett to release his tax returns to the public. What Buffett’s tax return has to do with his suggestion that the rich should pay at least as much as the middle class in taxes is beyond me. I guess when you can’t make a good case against an idea, you try to attack the messenger.

“I’ve been watching the Republican debates. I watched these eight clowns on the stage and at the end I wanted to raise my hand and say, ‘I don’t believe in evolution.” – Bill Maher

“Rick Perry is the frontrunner and they love him because he’s authentic. You got to give him that. He is a real asshole.” – Bill Maher

“Are you watching these debates? Yes, the politicians are bad, but the people who egg them on. There are these crowds cheering for executions, cheering for letting people without health insurance die. In today’s Republican party, there’s a term for people who hate charity and love killing: Christian. … These are Christians? They prefer to be called a faith-based lynch mob.” – Bill Maher

“Wolf Blitzer asked Ron Paul what should we do about someone who is 30 years old, doesn’t have health insurance, and goes into a comma, and might die. And Ron Paul said something about, ‘Well, I miss the old days when people just took care of each other.’ Well, that’s good news. If you’re in Texas and get hit by a bus, a nun will put leeches on your forehead.” – Bill Maher

“Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don’t get sick in Texas.” – Bill Maher

“Four people in Texas got botulism from black tar heroin. And Michele Bachmann said, ‘Thank God at least it wasn’t a vaccination.” – Bill Maher

“There’s a big fight within the Republican party because of Rick Perry’s decision to give girls the HPV vaccine, which the right wing hates because it’s a mandate. Republicans hate the word mandate almost as much as they hate an actual man date.” – Bill Maher

“Protecting young girls from cervical cancer? Rick Perry left himself vulnerable to charges of having a tiny speck of humanity, which is very bad for a Republican candidate. So he announced a new policy for Texas. For every child who gets the HPV vaccine, he will execute two Mexicans.” – Bill Maher

“After the debate where the HPV issue came up, Michele Bachmann said she had a discussion with a woman who came to her and said that her daughter had taken the vaccine and had become mentally retarded. And Michele Bachmann said, ‘Mom?'” – Bill Maher

“Rick Perry said, ‘I only took $5,000 from Merck. Are you saying I can be bought for $5,000? I’m offended.’ This is how degraded our politics are. How dare you call me a cheap whore. I will have you know I’m a high-priced whore.” – Bill Maher

“A new book came out about Sarah Palin by Joe McGinnis. He claims some unbelievable, outrageous things about Sarah Palin – like she smoked pot, she snorted coke off an oil drum, she had an affair with her husband’s business partner, she had a thing for black men and fucked NBA star Glenn Rice. And his most amazing, outrageous claim? That in 2008 some nitwit tried to make her vice president.” – Bill Maher

“Sarah Palin doing cocaine? That’s ridiculous. That stuff can make you yammer like an imbecile.” – Bill Maher

“By the way, this guy who apparently had sex with her in 1997, NBA star Glenn Rice. Glenn, if you’re watching, a little advice for you. Next time you fuck someone’s brains out, put them back in.” – Bill Maher

“Trying to get today’s Republican to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snout shut, and stroke their throats. And even then, just when you think they’ve swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum.” – Bill Maher

“A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Democrats lost a seat they’ve held in New York since the 1920s. The White House said, ‘At least President Obama created one new job.'” – Jay Leno

“People are blaming President Obama for Republicans winning a Congressional seat in New York, but I say, like the face of a guy who passes out at a frat party, this one has Weiner written all over it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it’s looking increasingly likely that in a year, he’ll be one of them.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“After saying the jobs bill is paid for, President Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can’t figure out if he’s the kind of guy who makes infomercials, or the kind of guy who falls for infomercials.” – Jay Leno

“If I was president, I’d freeze everyone in carbonite until the job market improves. It worked for Han Solo.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Taco Bell is product testing a new taco with a shell made of a giant Dorito. Michelle Obama spent the morning watering the White House garden with her tears.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama’s re-election campaign is doing a contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if you come in 2nd place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden.” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney’s campaign is offering a chance to win a day with Romney. It’s called, ‘Vote for Mitt Romney or else you’ll have to spend a day with Mitt Romney.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of ‘The View.’ So apparently he’s willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday Dick Cheney dropped in on the ladies on ‘The View,’ where he displayed his heart pump. Oh no, his frailty is sapping my will to make fun of his vile service record. [Clip of Alec Guinness in ‘Star Wars’ saying, ‘He’s more machine than human.’] –Jon Stewart

“A law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon release thousands of female prisoners. The man’s a genius. Soon thousands of women who haven’t been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe Arnold a favor.” – Conan O’Brien

“Italy is asking China to help bail them out of their debt crisis. Doesn’t that make you mad? Hey Italy, China is our sugar daddy.” – Jay Leno

“According to a new book, Sarah Palin slept with a black NBA player, Glen Rice, a year before she got married. I think technically this makes her a Kardashian sister. I think Sarah and Glen would make a great couple. He’d shoot 3-pointers. She’d shoot everything else.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The government is about to release a report on what went wrong during the BP oil spill. Or as fish put it, ‘Hey, no rush.'” – Jimmy Fallon