Political Irony

“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have put their former mansion on the market for $23.5 million. It’s not that clean though, because they had a maid but she was always busy doing other stuff.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid, and now the kid is mad at her for lying to him all these years. She’d told him his father was an actor.” – Jay Leno

“You know what’s going to happen. Arnold will check into a sex addiction clinic, and next season the maid will go on ‘Dancing with the Stars.'” – Jay Leno

“At a campaign stop, someone threw glitter on Newt Gingrich to protest his stance on gay marriage. I understand the whole episode is being nominated for a Tony.” – David Letterman

“A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. But Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife and his mistress and the other woman he’s seeing on the side.” – Jay Leno

“Everyone in the blamestream media (copyright), is saying Newt Gingrich is on the ropes. Wrong, you parasites. This man will rise again, just like the sourdough he appears to be made of.” – Stephen Colbert

“There is a simple explanation for [running up $500 million in debt to Tiffany’s] because Newt Gingrich buys his engagement rings in bulk.” – Stephen Colbert

“Dick “Kaboom” Cheney is publishing his memoirs. Cheney is a wonderful fiction writer. Remember the stories he used to tell us about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?” – David Letterman

“Dick Cheney is releasing a memoir in August about his personal and political life. I’m not going to say reading it is torture. It’s more of an enhanced interrogation technique.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama suggested that Israel should go back to the pre-1967 borders. Native Americans said, “Why stop there? Let’s go back to the pre-1492 borders.”” – Jay Leno

“Officials at the Secret Service had to delete a tweet from their official Twitter account because they made fun of Fox News. Knock it off, Secret Service! That’s my job.” – Craig Ferguson

“What is the Secret Service doing with a Twitter account? Isn’t it their job to keep stuff secret?” – Craig Ferguson

“Katie Couric is leaving the evening news to have a morning talk show. Unless Jay wants it, of course. We’ll spin the wheel to see who she’ll be replaced by. Charlie Sheen!” – Jay Leno

“A TSA worker was arrested in L.A. for stealing from suitcases. Remember this was just one bad apple. Over 99% of TSA workers just want to cup your balls. And if that makes someone a criminal, put me in jail.” – Craig Ferguson

“The world is ending on Saturday. We will be judged by Randy and J-Lo, and then I guess we go to Hell. It would really, really suck if we only got to live 3 weeks longer than bin Laden. And speaking of the end of the world, there are only 4 Oprah shows left.” – Jimmy Kimmel

© Clay Bennett

Hopefully, Sarah Palin will have the sense to play the kingmaker role rather than running. Even with the dearth of viable Republican candidates, I think everyone knows it would only get worse if she ran.

UPDATE: A sign that Palin still thinks she has a chance? She has made a feature-length movie about her life.

[reposted from Margaret and Helen]

Margaret, I wish Harold could have lived to see this day. As a veteran, he was always hopeful that we would one day get Bin Laden. He would have been very proud and then he would have been pissed.

Had I not seen it with my own eyes, I would have never believed it. FOX found a way to turn even this into a negative for Obama. I tuned in after you called and watched Sean Hannity make a fool of himself like you were saying. Honestly, that is exactly what I would have expected from FOX – complaining because the US military took the time to follow Muslim traditions before eventually ditching the son-of-a-bitch at sea. Sean, of course, wanted something a bit more flashy. Had we done it Hannity’s way, the body would have been photographed wearing Princess Beatrice’s hat. Honestly FOX, why don’t we just hang him on a cross and see if his followers retaliate? Sean is an idiot.

Of course Greta and Glenn were vying for stupidest person on FOX as well, but a race to the bottom on that network is over before it begins. Was I the only one who noticed all three of them kept accidentally saying Obama rather than Usama? I bet not. But I bet I am the only one who points it out.

It’s called honor Mr. Hannity, Mr. Beck and Mr. Van Susteren… you jackasses. Obama understands it. The US military has it. FOX needs it. It makes us better than them. But I guess the morons over at FOX are more worried that 72 Virgins really were waiting for him. And yes, I know I typed Mister Van Susteren… plastic surgery can only get you so far.

Ten years were a long time to wait for the end of Bin Laden. I ask you, how long before we see an end to FOX?

Change the channel America. I mean it. Really.

“President Obama’s approval rating, which got a bump after killing bin Laden, has slipped again. Which is really bad news – not for the president, for Moammar Gaddafi.” – Jay Leno

“The Navy SEALs found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden’s bedroom. Must have been tricky. It’s hard enough to hide porn from one wife.” – Craig Ferguson

“Schwarzenegger secretly fathered a child outside of his marriage 10 years ago. He told his wife at the time but it took 10 years for her to figure out what he was saying.” – Conan O’Brien

“Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a lovechild back in 2003. To be fair, Arnold has been taking financial responsibility for the child: education, health care … everything he’s taken away from every other child in California.” – Craig Ferguson

“You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid.” – Jay Leno

“I don’t know that ‘love child’ is an accurate term. I’d call it an ‘oh crap’ child.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I guess ‘love child’ is a nicer term than ‘OK-Maria’s-asleep child.’ The woman was an employee. I’m not sure what she did, but I think she worked on Arnold’s staff.” – Craig Ferguson

“Arnold kept the child secret for 10 years. So maybe he is a good actor after all.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today Arnold was offered the job as the new head of the International Monetary Fund.” – Jay Leno

“Arnold is already coming up with excuses. He said he was just auditioning to be the next head of the IMF.” – Craig Ferguson

“I’m Conan O’Brien, or as I can now publicly call myself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jr.” – Conan O’Brien

“There have been rumors going around for years now about a half Austrian, half Mexican baby – who could bench-press a Ford Expedition.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I mean – when he came out of the womb and snapped his own umbilical chord – you’d think that would be a sign.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.” – David Letterman

“Trump won’t run for president. I’m thinking this could be the beginning of another comedy recession.” – David Letterman

“I’m disappointed that Trump isn’t running. I was really looking forward to not voting for him.” – David Letterman

“Trump said that NBC talked him into staying. Then Conan O’Brien said, ‘Don’t fall for that.'” – David Letterman

“I mention Newt Gingrich is running for President, nothing. I mention Donald Trump is not running, you go crazy. Think a minute. Which campaign would have made you happier?” – David Letterman

John Lithgow does a dramatic reading of the latest press release from Newt Gingrich: