Political Irony

“I wouldn’t blame our political rhetoric any more than I would blame heavy metal music for Columbine. And that is coming from someone who truly hates our political environment.” – Jon Stewart

“I do think that it’s a worthwhile goal not to conflate our political opponents with our enemies, if for no other reason than to draw a better distinction between the manifestos of paranoid mad men and what passes for acceptable political and pundit speak. It would be really nice if the ramblings of crazy people didn’t in any way resemble how we actually talk to each other on TV. Let’s at least make troubled individuals easier to spot.” – Jon Stewart

“Lawmakers are getting tough on bullying. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie signed some of the toughest anti-bullying laws in the nation. Then someone gave Christie a wedgie and said, ‘Ha ha. You’ve got a girl’s last name.'” – Conan O’Brien

“John Edwards has denied ‘The National Enquirer’ story that he asked his mistress to marry him. Who are you gonna believe, the sleazy purveyor of lies or ‘The National Enquirer’?” – Jay Leno

“Last night was possibly the last show ever of ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska,’ for several reasons. She might run for President and would have to abide by the equal time rules. Also, she just likes to quit things.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A new study shows that a woman’s tears can chemically lower the level of testosterone in a man. When that happens, the man will also start to cry and then eventually be elected speaker of the House.” – Jay Leno

“California Congresswoman Lynn Woolsey referred to the war in Afghanistan as a ‘national embarrassment.’ Then she watched the premiere of ‘Jersey Shore’ and was like, ‘Never mind.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Illinois officials report that drug sniffing dogs are wrong as much as 70 percent of the time — probably because they’re sniffing drugs all day.” – Jay Leno

“The Obama administration announced that the economy added 103,000 new jobs in December — mostly to homeless radio announcers.” – Jay Leno

“Over 400 people have volunteered to take a one-way trip to Mars to begin colonization. The last people we want starting a civilization on Mars are the people that volunteer to do it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody’s compensating for his small government.” – Stephen Colbert

“How about the new Speaker of the House, John Boehner. Have you seen this guy’s enormous gavel. I’m telling you, if in four hours, that gavel is still that size, he’s got to call a doctor.” – David Letterman

“In his first speech as Speaker, Boehner thanked his loved ones – tobacco lobbyists, the oil companies, the CEOs.” –Jay Leno

“John Boehner — doesn’t he look like every guy you’ve ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of guy who licks his thumb when he counts his money.” – David Letterman

“Outgoing Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave a speech and handed the gavel to John Boehner. Very emotional moment for Pelosi, but she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, a tightly stretched forehead, and unnaturally arched eyebrows.” –Jay Leno

“The first order of business for the 112th Congress: blaming everything on the 111th Congress.” – Jay Leno

“Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they’re going to repeal everything President Obama has done. They even told Michelle Obama that her vegetable garden has to go.” – David Letterman

“The new Republican-controlled House of Representative decided to start things off by reading the entire Constitution aloud. Then there was a break for lunch and a slave auction.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“According to a group that monitors government waste, the Republicans’ reading of the Constitution cost taxpayers a $1 million. Only politicians could spend money reading.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Constitution is one of the most important documents in the history of the world, but it’s also very boring. It’s the kind of thing that makes you wish you never learned to read.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The new Congress adopted a rule that permits members to use electronic devices on the floor of the House. So let the sexting begin.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“An escaped prisoner in Alaska was on the run for six hours before he was finally caught near Sarah Palin’s hometown of Wasilla. When I think of safe places to run, I think ‘the woods near Sarah Palin’s house.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Birds are falling out of the sky in Arkansas and Louisiana and London. Today I saw my parakeet looking at the obituaries in the newspaper on the bottom of his cage, chirping, ‘Petey!'” – David Letterman

“Borders bookstores are struggling to stay in business. This could be the first time in our country that borders are actually closed.” – Jay Leno

“The Republicans now control the House, and they say their plan is to stick to a strict interpretation of the original Constitution. So I hope you didn’t like voting, women and non-whites.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“They’re also hoping to cut back on government regulation on Wall Street. I think we can all agree that Wall Street does a good job policing itself.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they’re going to undo everything President Obama has done. John Boehner even told the Obama kids that the dog has to go back.” – David Letterman

“We have a new Speaker of the House, John Boehner. His new slogan: ‘Four more tears.'” – Jay Leno

“The last speaker, Nancy Pelosi has a frozen face and John Boehner has an orange face. If you put them together, you’ve got the Creamsicle of the House.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Congress was broadcast live on Facebook for the first time in history. Now you can waste time and not get work done by watching Congress waste time and not get work done.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama plans to sign a $1.4 billion food safety bill. The most dangerous thing about American food? The portions.” – Jay Leno

“Why is it no human being can withstand more than two years as a presidential press secretary? There must be an organ somewhere in the body that can only filter two years worth of heavy duty bullsh*t.” – Jon Stewart (speaking about Robert Gibbs’ retirement)

“Jerry Brown is Governor of California again. How California is that, hooking up with your ex years later?” – Jay Leno

“McCain stands now less a paragon of straight talk and independence for new members to admire, and more like an object lesson of how fucking mad someone gets when they don’t get their way.” – Jon Stewart

“They now say that our national debt will have to be paid off by our children. So thank God for Kate Gosselin and the Octomom.” – Jay Leno

“Thousands of birds fell dead in Arkansas. It’s either al-Qaida, or Dick Cheney is hunting again.” – David Letterman

“The commander of the USS Enterprise was relieved of duty because of his involvement in making raunchy videos while onboard the Navy ship. The good news: Today he was offered a job as a producer on ‘Jersey Shore.'” – Jay Leno

“A man was arrested for masturbating while on a flight. He said he was just finishing what the TSA guy started. Now would that be a skyjacking?” – Jay Leno