Political Irony

“How about that volcano in Iceland. It’s still erupting, but it’s no longer the biggest environmental disaster. Now, Iceland is teaming up with BP to create this summer’s top catastrophe. A Lorimar production.” – David Letterman

“Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.” – David Letterman

“Well, here’s the latest on the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. The chief U.S. oversight official for offshore drilling has now resigned. Ironically — you know how the news got out? It leaked.” – Jay Leno

“And tar is washing up onto the beaches — big globs of tar. And people are saying, ‘Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?’ No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket.” – David Letterman

“Well, there’s now concern that the oil in the Gulf could go to the Florida Keys and up the East Coast, which could be really dangerous. Scientists say the cast of ‘The Jersey Shore’ can only absorb so much oil. They can’t get any slimier.” – Jay Leno

“The Coast Guard is now saying that 20 of these things called tar balls have been found off the Florida Keys. They’re not sure if the tar balls are from the Gulf Coast spill. Seriously? It’s like finding a giant clock necklace and not being sure it’s from Flavor Flav.” – Jimmy Fallon

“There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it.” – David Letterman

“The government now wants to train parking lot attendants to watch for terrorists. They believe parking lot attendants can be trained to report anyone who comes in with a car that’s suspicious. The parking lot attendant would turn them in, unless the terrorist was a good tipper. Then, of course, nothing would happen at all, and we’d all be screwed.” – Jay Leno

“Iraq security forces say they have detained an al Qaeda member suspected of planning an attack on the World Cup in South Africa next month. The man has already admitted that terror and destruction was his ultimate gooooaaalllll!” – Jimmy Fallon

“A congressman from my home state of Indiana, Mark Souder, has been forced to resign because he was in a sex scandal. Finally, I’m no longer Indiana’s biggest embarrassment.” – David Letterman

“Well, folks, it’s happened again. My favorite kind of story. An Indiana Republican congressman named Mark Souder — a married man and father of three, big-time — one of these family advocate guys, has resigned after admitting to having an affair with a female staffer. In his resignation statement, he mentions God five times and his wife once. He knows there’s a slight chance that God might forgive him. God might let it slide. Not the wife.” – Jay Leno

“After admitting to an affair with a staffer, Indiana Congressman Mark Souder said he’s leaving office to focus on repairing his marriage and renewing his walk with the Lord. And today, the Lord was like: ‘Why don’t you start without me? Why don’t you just go. I’ll catch up with you on that walk.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Have you heard about this guy, Richard Blumenthal? He’s a Democratic candidate for Senate in Connecticut. It turns out he actually lied about serving in Vietnam. Not good. In fact, today, he says he hasn’t got this much attention since he became the first man to walk on the moon.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Blumenthal lied about serving in Vietnam in several speeches, which I guess explains why his descriptions of the war sounded like Wikipedia entries.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Lakers trounced the Phoenix Suns last night, 128-107. Phoenix was so bad, today the Arizona Legislature voted to deport them.” – Jay Leno

“Attorney General Eric Holder has said he may sue Arizona for their new anti-immigration law. Holder admitted he has not yet read the law. Hey, that didn’t stop Congress from passing the health care reform bill. Nobody read that, either.” – Jay Leno

“You know what happened down in Washington? I guess it was yesterday. There was a swarm of bees down there at the White House. The bees flew in and demanded to see Obama’s birth certificate.” – David Letterman

© Clay Bennett

Be careful what you start!

“Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.” – Jay Leno

“Have you folks heard about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Here’s what they’re doing now. They got a one-mile-long suction hose. It was flown down to the gulf on Friday by Superman.” – David Letterman

“And what they’re going to do is they’re going to suck all of that oil that’s leaking into the gulf and pump it up into a tanker. Now the bad news is the tanker is the Exxon Valdez.” – David Letterman

“British Petroleum is starting to get a little defensive. Have you heard their new slogan? ‘Yeah, like you never spilled anything before.'” – Jay Leno

“In a new interview, BP’s CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the ‘very big ocean.’ That’s like telling someone who’s just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they’re really, really fat.” – Jimmy Fallon

“For the first time ever, an Arab-American woman has been named Miss U.S.A. Her name is Rima Fakih from Dearborn, Mich. She says she hopes winning this title will finally help get her name off the no-fly list.” – Jay Leno

“Did you see the new Miss U.S.A. pageant over the weekend. Miss Michigan won. Congratulations to Miss Michigan. And, well, it gets better. John McCain has already selected her as his 2012 running mate.” – David Letterman

“Sadly, Miss Arizona could not be there. She was being detained by the authorities.” – David Letterman

“Arizona may lose its hockey team. Apparently, here’s what happened. Authorities became suspicious that some of the players were Canadian.” – David Letterman

“Well, at a rally in Arizona this weekend, Sarah Palin said, ‘We’re all Arizonans now’ — at which point, every immigrant in Arizona was like, ‘So, we can stay?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin and President Bush have new books coming out this fall. You know what that means? This could plunge America into a huge crayon shortage.” – Jay Leno

“Detroit Mayor Dave Bing has begun to make the city more livable by demolishing 10,000 vacant homes. This will break the record for destroying homes, currently held by Countrywide Mortgage.” – Jay Leno

“A woman in Texas was arrested for shooting at a census worker who wouldn’t leave her property. The census worker was pretty committed to her job, though. Even as she was being fired at, she was like, ‘Is that your only firearm? Do you share it with a loved one, a spouse, or a common-law partner?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“We have as a guest tonight Archbishop Desmond Tutu. I’m going to ask the question that’s on everyone’s mind: ‘As a bishop, do you always have to move diagonally?'” – Craig Ferguson

“Desmond Tutu is from South Africa, which I think is a fantastic name for a country, because it tells you exactly where it is.” – Craig Ferguson

Lance Baxter was fired from his job as spokesman for Geico insurance company after he drunk dialed the Tea Party group FreedomWorks and left a rude and offensive message on their answering machine. The message was subsequently spread around the internet.

Now that he has more time on his hands, he produced this humorous video.