“Well, the big story is the Supreme Court. President Obama has found his nominee. She is a Federal appeals judge. Sonia Sotomayor, I think her name is. A Latino woman, how about that? So, you know what that means. Ruth Bader Ginsburg no longer the hot chick on the court.” – Jay Leno
“History was made today when President Obama nominated Judge Sonia Sotomayor as the first female Hispanic justice to serve in the U.S. Supreme court. Obama said this should help keep the court from leaning too far to the white.” – Jimmy Fallon
“No, if confirmed, Sotomayor would be the country’s first Hispanic judge. In fact, her first order of business, deporting Lou Dobbs.” – Jay Leno
“There’s a lot of local pride in Obama’s pick because Sonia Sotomayor grew up in the Bronx. Yeah, when reached for comment, she said, ‘Don’t be fooled by the robes that I got, I’m still, I’m still Sonia from the block.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Actually, the Republicans were a little disappointed. When they heard Obama said he might appoint a minority, they went, ‘Oh, great, a Republican!'” – Jay Leno
“Of course they’re still waiting to see where Judge Sotomayor stands on a lot of the important issues. You know, are Heidi and Spencer really married? You know, who’s Jennifer Aniston dating now, huh? Should Adam Lambert have won ‘American Idol’? There’s so many issues that concern the American people.” – Jay Leno
“Judge Sotomayor said she seemed overwhelmed today, and she said it really won’t sink in until she hears Rush Limbaugh say he hopes she fails.” – Jay Leno [which he did! – iron]
“Well, over the weekend you know, there was some more back and forth between former Secretary of State Colin Powell and Rush Limbaugh. It’s getting nasty. I don’t know, General Powell versus Rush Limbaugh. You know, unless it’s a pie eating contest, I gotta go with Powell, okay?” – Jay Leno
“North Korea tested another nuclear bomb. The fear is that North Korea will sell this nuclear weapon to some unstable, volatile world leader, you know, like Dick Cheney.” – Jay Leno
“Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi over in China right now. Her office says the speaker will not be bringing up human rights abuses to the Chinese. She said that she’s going to try to focus on common ground with China, like the fact that they both call the CIA liars.” – Jay Leno
“Actually, John Kerry is over there with Nancy Pelosi right now. This is part of the Democrats’ new plan to put all the people who say the wrong things in one place, you know? In fact, Joe Biden flying in as we speak.” – Jay Leno
“The California Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8, the ban on gay marriage, but that’s not all. The court also upheld Prop 9, which allows metrosexuals to continue using too much bronzer.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, the big story here in California — California Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8. That’s the ban on gay marriage. They upheld the ban, which is bad news, unless you’re a gay guy that doesn’t want to get married, you see. Now you can go, ‘Bob, the courts have spoken.'” – Jay Leno
“The economy’s in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, Gov. Schwarzenegger had to take a second job narrating ‘Hooked on Phonics’ CDs.” – Jay Leno
“As you know, Governor Schwarzenegger, our guest here tonight. Actually, he’s not here as a guest. He’s here to pass the hat. ‘Da state is broke. Give generously here. Yah, we need da money here to help.'” – Jay Leno
“Well, a new study has found that having a cat makes you 40% less likely to die of a heart attack. Not that the cat could care less either way, really.” – Jay Leno
