“You know, we own AIG, right? We own 80% of it. And because of all of the outrage over these bonuses, armed guards now have to be placed outside the AIG offices. You know what that means? Not only are we paying the AIG executive bonuses, we are now paying to protect the executives from us. Does that make any sense to anybody?” – Jay Leno
“The Obama Administration wants to unload a trillion dollars in toxic assets. I don’t know what that means, but do you know how much a trillion dollars is? A trillion dollars is almost as much as the AIG bonuses.” – David Letterman
“Now they’re talking about selling their office building in Manhattan to raise money. Oh, yeah, this is a great time to get involved in real estate. They’d lose another billion dollars. You know, I have a better idea. Put all the employees inside, put bars on the window, call it a jail and just lock the place up.” – Jay Leno
“The House passed a bill where there’s a tax now of 90% on the bonuses that these people get. So, half the Republicans voted against this. They said this is exactly the kind of punitive taxation that’s going to drive good people out of the fraud business.” – Bill Maher
“It turns out the bonus money that AIG got was actually $218 million and not the $165 million that was originally reported. AIG said they misplaced $53 million in bonuses. And today, Senator Chris Dodd said, ‘You mean that wasn’t a campaign contribution?'” – Jay Leno
“Congress is now investigating the special treatment that ‘Senator Dodge,’ as we’re calling him now, received from Countrywide Mortgage for a couple of mortgages. Senator Dodd has contended he didn’t know he was getting special rates on the mortgages. And, really, to be fair, how would the Senate chairman of the banking committee have any idea what the normal lending rate would be? He would have no idea!” – Jay Leno
“This morning, the first lady, Michelle Obama, celebrated spring by breaking ground on a new vegetable garden at the White House. She said she did it to help educate children about healthy, locally-grown food, and to help her own family survive the coming economic apocalypse.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Did you see this on ’60 Minutes’ last night? Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy’s bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Not only is it the first time they have had a vegetable garden since the days of Eleanor Roosevelt at the White House, it’s also the first time that a hoe has been used at the White House since the Clinton administration.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The president was in town this week. He spoke at the L.A. County fairgrounds. I tell you, he’s still got it. People were sleeping outside all night. They were homeless, but that’s not the point. They love him.” – Bill Maher
“We spilled 25,000 barrels of oil into the Strait of Hormuz, by Iraq. And a U.S. Navy server ship collided with a submarine. Who else, but us, could invade the Middle East and lose oil? It’s like robbing a bank and leaving your wallet.” – Bill Maher
“There’s a new bin Laden tape where he calls for the destruction of Somalia. That’s right. Forget destroying America, that job is done.” – Bill Maher
“This week eight tourists became the first Westerners to vacation in Iraq on an officially sanctioned tour. They’re taking spring break in Iraq, which is kind of like spring break in Florida. Half get bombed. The other half get stoned.” – Jay Leno
“Former President George W. Bush is now writing a book about the 12 toughest decisions that he had to make as president. He said each decision had three options — rock, paper and scissors.” – Jay Leno
“In a move that will cost 300 Americans their jobs, the Federal government announced it will no longer buy American-made condoms made in Alabama. We’re now going to buy cheaper condoms made in China. Does that make any sense? If Chinese condoms are so good, why are there over one billion Chinese people?” – Jay Leno
