The Election
“With less than two weeks to go before the election, John McCain is behind Barack Obama in every major poll. But here’s the important thing to remember, back in 1984 with the same amount of time remaining, Walter Mondale was 14 points behind Ronald Reagan, and then, by the time the election came, he went on to lose every state except Minnesota. So, alright, maybe that’s bad example. But I think I made my point.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“In this election, Obama is so far ahead now it seems the only way he can lose is if his supporters screw it up. But Obama’s supporters have a secret weakness. They’re Democrats. They are perfectly capable of screwing this up. I’m not sure if Democrats remember how to win an election. They haven’t won an election since 2000.” -Craig Ferguson
“It wasn’t such a great day for John McCain, who got some support today from an unwanted group. Al Qaeda picked him as their choice for president. Al Qaeda made this announcement on their website, which begs the question: al Qaeda has a website? Can’t we use it to find them?” -Craig Ferguson
“Today McCain went on the attack. This morning he said Barack Obama will say and do anything to win the election. Obama countered that later in the day by showing this photograph [of Sarah Palin]. ‘Really? I’m the one who will say and do anything to win? Explain that again more slowly if you could.'” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Truth be told: John McCain is doing darn well for a guy who passed away 20 years ago.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“As popular as Obama is here in the United States, he might be in even more popular overseas. Gallup polled citizens of 70 countries and found that foreigners support Obama over McCain by nearly four-to-one. It was an unusual poll, actually: 30 percent supported Obama, eight percent supported McCain, and the rest supported David Hasselhoff.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as ‘Joe the Plumber,’ said this week that he is ready to get out of the media spotlight. Though unless he said it to his bathroom mirror, he’s full of crap.” -Amy Poehler
Sarah Palin
“Anyway, the Democrats better watch out, because the Republicans are going to pull out all the stops. Did you see they spent $150,000 on Sarah Palin’s wardrobe? Boy, nothing says hockey mom like dropping six figures on bling.” -Craig Ferguson
“Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin is taking heat today, because the Republican National Committee has so far spent $150,000 on wardrobe for her and her family. She spent $50,000 at Saks Fifth Avenue, $75,000 at Neiman Marcus and about $5,000 on hair and makeup. Hey, representing small town, common-folk hockey moms isn’t cheap, folks.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“How do you spend $150,000 on clothes in two months? How does someone who just spent more on clothing in six weeks than most Americans make in two years, show that she can still relate to the common folk?” -Jon Stewart
“That’s a lot of money. Especially considering all the animals. Isn’t she making pelts out of them? Shouldn’t she be making her own clothing?” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Sarah is not the only Palin who got an upgrade. Almost $5,000 was spent on clothing for her husband, Todd, and more on the Palin children. Now, that’s just one scandal. Palin has also charged the Alaska state government for over $21,000 of airfare for her daughters and $700 hotel rooms and went back and amended the expense reports to justify the payments, not to mention $17,000 in per diems she was paid to live in her own home. My God! They’re a family of grifters!” -Jon Stewart
“Sarah Palin’s defense was that $150,000 doesn’t go far when you’re a female political candidate, and that’s true. Last year, Hillary Clinton spent twice that much on suits at Men’s Warehouse.” -Craig Ferguson
“Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, you probably heard the Republican National Committee spent $150,000 in campaign donations for clothes and makeup for her. They’ve been taking a lot of heat for it. Today, John McCain even had to announce that when the election is over, the clothes will all be donated to charity. Finally, his plan to get her naked is finally bearing fruit.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“The campaign says they needed to make Sarah Palin seem hip and cool, but I’m thinking if you’re going to spend money trying to make somebody look hip and cool, what about John? What about spending some money on John?” -Craig Ferguson
“Also yesterday, Palin told a bunch of third graders that the vice president ‘runs the Senate,’ which the vice president does not do. Not knowing what the job is? Even President Bush will tell you, the vice president doesn’t run the Senate. The vice president runs the White House.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“In an interview this weekend, Sarah Palin said that when the media criticizes her children ‘the mama grizzly in me comes out, makes me want to rear up on my hind legs.’ Which is exactly what a mama grizzly did to Sarah Palin moments before she shot it from a helicopter.” –Seth Meyers
“Last week, I wagged my finger at Newsweek magazine for not retouching this unflattering cover photo of Governor Sarah Palin which showed her facial hair. Hideous. What a horribly offensive characterization of the governor as a mammal. Well, it turns out people were listening. By which I mean People magazine. Yes, this week’s People has an extreme close-up of Governor Palin, and there is not a hair in sight. She is like an eel. This is People’s best re-touching work since they made Clay Aiken’s makeup look like skin. Sarah Palin should look like this in every picture, like a brand-new, mint-condition porcelain doll. Because I think we can all agree it is best if Sarah Palin is never taken out of the packaging. Great work, People photoshoppers.” -Stephen Colbert
Your Government in Action
“The former chairman of the Fed, Alan Greenspan, was in Washington today. And he said that the current financial crisis is a ‘once in a century’ occurrence. And John McCain was like: ‘He’s right. I’ve been through three of ’em.'” -Craig Ferguson
“The Homeland Security Department said it will not meet a 2012 deadline set by Congress to scan the contents of every cargo container headed to US ports. ‘Thanks for the heads up,’ said terrorists.” -Amy Poehler
“The Pentagon is buying a portrait of Donald Rumsfeld for $46,000. But it will probably cost 10 times that, serve no real purpose, and never be finished. Remind you of anything?” -Craig Ferguson
