Political Irony

“The government is spending, what, $200 billion to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Unemployment, five-year high. Foreclosures are at a 19-year high. This means the Democrats are going to have to work extra hard over the next eight weeks to blow this election.” –Jay Leno

“It surprised me. It looks like John McCain’s speech last week beat Barack Obama’s speech in the ratings. Isn’t that amazing? Honest to God. That’s like ‘American Idol’ being beaten by a rerun of ‘Matlock.'” –Jay Leno

They say that John McCain’s biggest challenge is to convince people that he’s not George W. Bush. Hey, just the fact he went to Vietnam shows he’s not George W. Bush.” –Jay Leno

“Did you see Governor Sarah Palin on the cover of Newsweek? Look, she’s holding a shotgun. Holding a shotgun. This picture was taken right after she announced that guy would be marrying her pregnant daughter.” –Jay Leno

” A lot of people now are criticizing Governor Palin for her lack of foreign policy experience. They say she won’t be able to deal with other countries. But is that a big deal? I mean, hey, how many foreign countries even talk to us anymore? See what I’m saying?” –Jay Leno

“They asked her if she would be able to explain how she once lobbied Washington for earmarks, and she said ‘We’ll cross that bridge to nowhere when we come to it.'” –Jay Leno

“Oh, got a little testy on the campaign trail today. A reporter asked John McCain if he ever Googled Sarah Palin, and McCain said, ‘Hey, you take your filthy mouth, and get out of here!’ There is no room for that kind of talk.” –Jay Leno

“The Republican convention is over, the Democratic convention over. Just one left. Next week, Ralph Nader’s convention. It’ll be at his apartment. He says you have to park on the street.” –Jay Leno

“In international news, 60% of the people in the country of Jordan say they find Americans to be rude. Actually, that’s not so bad, when you consider 60% of people in other Middle Eastern countries think we’re Satan. …We’re moving up!” –Jay Leno

“Today, listen what happened out there in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Senator McCain was there with Sarah Palin. And they were having lunch at a diner, is what they were doing. And I thought this was so sweet. She, I mean I don’t know, how long has she been on the ticket, a week, maybe two weeks? They were there having lunch at the diner and she’s cutting his meat for him.” –Davd Letterman

“John McCain is old. And I had some friends of mine call me to tell me this. You don’t have any idea how old he is. Listen to this, he is so old that his blood type has been discontinued.” –Davd Letterman

“True story. I do, I kind of like that Sarah Palin. You know, she reminds me, she looks like the flight attendant who won’t give you a second can of Pepsi. No, you’ve had enough. We’re landing. Looks like the waitress at the coffee shop who draws a little smiley face on your check. Have a nice day.” –David Letterman

“The MTV ‘VMAs’ last night were hosted by Russell Brand. He hosted their ‘Video Music Awards,’ and he referred to President Bush, and this caused a big controversy, as a ‘retarded cowboy.’ Yeah, of course, everyone knows the correct term is ‘special needs cowboy.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Today, Barack Obama took his daughters to their first day of school, which was sweet. Yeah. In a related story, John McCain took his daughters to pick up their Social Security checks.” –Conan O’Brien

“Experts say — this is interesting — that since Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there’s been an actual spike in the sales of her style of eyeglasses. Gone way up. Yeah. Yeah, with Palin’s glasses, you’ll be able to see everything, except what the hell your teenage daughter’s up to.” –Conan O’Brien

“There is some good news for John McCain. According to the latest polls, which came out today, John McCain has started to open up a lead over Barack Obama. This is true. Yeah. The USA Today poll has McCain ahead by ten points. The ‘CBS News’ poll has the two tied. And the MSNBC poll says that Obama won the election last week.” –Conan O’Brien

© Mike Luckovich

“Cindy McCain appeared at the Republican National Convention, and Vanity Fair took a look at an outfit she wore. The magazine priced it out at around $300,000. With that kind of money, you could buy an 11th house.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Should we be nervous about a man who preaches against wasteful spending when his wife is wearing $300,000?” -Jimmy Kimmel

“If Cindy McCain were a plane, Sarah Palin would sell her on eBay.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“There was a story going around that said Oprah doesn’t want to have Sarah Palin on her show. Oprah claims there have been absolutely no discussions about having Palin on, but that she would love to after the campaign is over. Apparently, between ‘Nate Berkus’ Bathroom Makeovers’ and ‘The Best Jeans for Curvy Women,’ they’re all booked up. They don’t have a slot open. It has nothing to do with Obama.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“McCain took a swipe at Obama. Did you see, in the speech? He said, ‘I’m not running for president because I think I’m blessed with such personal greatness that history has anointed me to save our country in its hour of need. No, I’m running because my wife wants another house.” -Bill Maher

“McCain was introduced at the convention last night by his wife. I won’t say ‘trophy wife’, but she did have $300,000 worth of clothes and jewelry on — no matter to the party of the little guy. But Cindy McCain talked about how his character, honor, and integrity made him the exact kind of married man she was looking to pick up at a bar.” -Bill Maher

“And how about the other woman at the convention? How about the new star of the Republican party, Ms. Sarah Palin? Wow. The media loves her. The headlines were all ‘Palin delivered.’ I said, another baby?” -Bill Maher

“This is the first convention I could remember, where they didn’t say the name of the man who should be the titular head of the party. He is the president of the United States, George Bush. Except for the protestors outside, you never heard that name, or any reference to George Bush, except for the part about loving children with special needs.” -Bill Maher

“Bush didn’t make the convention because the hurricane, Gustav, hit New Orleans, but actually didn’t. Bush was at the Hurricane Command Center, taking credit for a perfect emergency response to a perfect non-emergency. Although he actually did cause some panic, because viewers at home saw him sitting there, doing nothing, and they thought maybe it was another terrorist attack.” -Bill Maher

“Fashion Week here in New York City. And a sure sign that it’s Fashion Week, all of the guys in the Village are dressed as Sarah Palin.” -David Letterman

“Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is out on the campaign trail. Today, she attended a rally in Wisconsin. The Alaska Governor said she was thrilled to visit Wisconsin. because she’s never been to the Deep South.” -Conan O’Brien

“Oprah Winfrey’s in the middle of a big scandal, because she is refusing to have Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin on her show. The friction started because Palin said if she’s elected, she’ll be the most powerful woman in the country. And Oprah said, ‘The hell you will!'” -Conan O’Brien

“During John McCain’s speech last night, an anti-Republican heckler began yelling at him. Yeah. Officials removed the man and immediately gave him a job at MSNBC.” -Conan O’Brien

“Hey, did you all see John McCain last night? He gave a great speech. And you’ve got to admit, he looked so life-like, didn’t he?” -Jay Leno

“As you know, several times, McCain talked about serving his country in Vietnam, which is a nice change after 16 years and two presidents who could never quite explain how they got out of serving their country in Vietnam.” -Jay Leno

“Last night, John McCain said that under the Democratic health care plan, a bureaucrat would stand between you and your doctor, as opposed to the Republican health care plan, where an accountant would stand between you and your health care.” -Jay Leno

“Actually, some Republicans are not that thrilled with the speech. In fact, the rumor is Sarah Palin is thinking of dropping him from the ticket.” -Jay Leno

“One of the big themes for convention speakers was that we need to elect a Republican that will go in and clean up the mess in Washington. I think that’s a great lesson for kids — always clean up your own mess.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“John McCain had his big acceptance speech. And, you know, I didn’t – I didn’t watch that because I’ll tell you why: if I want to see an old guy, if I want to see an old guy struggle with a teleprompter, you know, hell, I’ll watch Regis.” -David Letterman

“They say Palin’s speech was written by George Bush’s speechwriter, which was great for that guy because he finally got a chance to use some big words.” -Jay Leno

“Palin made some interesting points last night. She said when she was Governor of Alaska she got rid of the state’s luxury jet and put it on eBay. … Ironically, do you know who bought it? John and Cindy McCain.” -Jay Leno

“Palin said last night that John McCain had seen evil, but I didn’t even know Dick Cheney was at the convention.” -Jay Leno

“Have you heard about this ‘Troopergate’ scandal? Palin allegedly … used her power as governor to pressure officials to fire her former brother-in-law from his state trooper job. Now, maybe I’m wrong, but wasn’t that an episode of ‘Dukes of Hazzard?'” –Jay Leno

“But, I mean, how about this, and she, you know, at one times was mayor of a very small town, a very small town in Alaska. Anybody here ever been to Alaska? Name of the town was Wasilla. Anybody ever been to Wasilla, Alaska? Anyway, Wasilla, Alaska – very small town. The town is so small, they had no professional hookers – no, no, just volunteers.” –David Letterman

“While she was addressing the crowd, Sarah Palin spent a lot of time criticizing Barack Obama’s campaign speeches for not having enough specifics. … Obama was reportedly angry about the claim, but didn’t say exactly why.” -Conan O’Brien

“She said at her church, Governor Palin, said she asked everyone to pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God’s will. And today, God said, “Hey lady, I don’t deal with oil companies. That’s more Satan’s area.'” -Jay Leno

“Today, the Mayor of Detroit agreed to plead guilty to obstruction of justice charges. … Yeah, as punishment, he will be required to serve out his full term as Mayor of Detroit.” -Conan O’Brien