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Late Night Humor

“Yesterday, Barack Obama was in the Fatherland. John McCain was in Grandfather Land.” -Jay Leno

“Barack Obama is in France today. And again, McCain doing everything to compete with him. Like today, he ordered the French toast combo at IHOP.” -Jay Leno

“You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States.” -David Letterman

“Barack Obama’s upset. Did you hear about this? He’s angry, ’cause the other day in Israel, someone revealed the contents of a private prayer that Obama inserted into Jerusalem’s Western Wall. It’s supposed to be private, and someone opened it up and revealed it, yeah. Experts say it’s even worse than the time the Washington Post printed President Bush’s letter to Santa.” -Conan O’Brien

“Did you hear about this? The Dalai Lama had a near-death experience today. He met with John McCain.” -Jay Leno

“You see where John McCain met with the Dalai Lama? That was pretty amazing. Yeah, the man millions believe goes back to the seventh century standing next to the Dalai Lama.” -Jay Leno

“Poor John McCain. The media is so in love. They’re all over Barack Obama. And McCain can’t get any media attention. Did you see what McCain did today? He kept getting in and out of his limo today with no underwear on, just to get the photographers.” -Jay Leno

“It is tough seeing your old flame with someone new. John McCain and the media had a very hot fling back in the summer of 2000. They even had cute little nicknames for each other. The press called McCain ‘maverick,’ and McCain called the press any time he wanted favorable coverage.” -Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday, federal immigration officials arrested 43 illegal immigrants from Mexico in Hawaii! In Hawaii! How lost were they? Boy! And today, President Bush called for building a fence around Hawaii.” -Jay Leno

“And in Puerto Rico, it is Constitution Day. It is Constitution Day in Puerto Rico. So, that’s where the constitution went. I knew we weren’t using it anymore.” -Jay Leno

“They said on the news earlier tonight that this political campaign has only 100 days left. Only! Anybody complaining that this thing was dragging out? Oh, not quick enough? … Only 100 days left. Oh, God! 100 Days. I don’t know what’s less likely, Barack Obama getting enough experience in 100 days, or John McCain living another 100 days.” -Jay Leno

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Oops, he did it again!

McCain’s latest attack ad against Obama equates him to Britney Spears, but new evidence has surfaced that proves that it McCain who is a Britney wannabe. Don’t believe it? Just watch!

UPDATE:
Pat Bagley
© Pat Bagley

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McCain’s Double Dare!

R. J. Matson
© R. J. Matson

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The Too-Partisan System

Jeff Parker
© Jeff Parker

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Ohio Gov. Strickland speaking at McCain Economic Forum

economics
From In One Ear… Out the Other

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Bush’s legacy surge

Pat Oliphant
© Pat Oliphant

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McCain’s instant payback from big oil

Last month, candidate McCain did a complete flip-flop and is now supporting expanding offshore oil drilling in the US, even though he used to oppose it. He claims that his change of heart is because of the high price of oil. He even has a TV ad attacking Obama for opposing the expansion of offshore oil drilling. But even the government says that expanding offshore oil drilling would not decrease the price of gas for at least 20 years, if at all.

So what is the real reason for his change of heart.  As they say, follow the money. McCain just reported that last month, the oil industry contributed $1.1 million to his campaign, which is four times what they contributed the month before that, before he changed his mind. In fact three-quarters of that $1.1 million came after he gave his June 16 speech announcing his change.

Besides, the oil companies are not drilling on 80% of their current offshore oil leases. Why would they, when today’s supply crunch is resulting in the highest oil company profits in history?

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Methinks he doth protest too much

Republican Senator Sam Brownback is introducing a resolution protesting actions by China. He is also urging Bush to not attend the Olympic opening ceremonies in Beijing. Why? Because hotels in Beijing (including foreign-owned ones) are being forced to install Chinese government software to monitor Internet use by hotel guests coming to watch the Olympic games, or face “severe retaliation”. Brownback says:

If you were a human rights advocate, if you’re a journalist, you’re in room 1251 of a hotel, anything that you use, sending out over the Internet is monitored in real time by the Chinese Public Security bureau. That’s not right. It’s not in the Olympic spirit.

Can we get any more hypocritical? How dare the Chinese force businesses to spy on people or face retaliation? Would we ever do such a thing? Ummm

The National Security Agency and other government agencies retaliated against Qwest because the Denver telco refused to go along with a phone spying program … USA Today reported in May 2006 that Qwest, unlike AT&T and Verizon, balked at helping the NSA track phone calling patterns that may have indicated terrorist organizational activities. Nacchio’s attorney, Herbert Stern, confirmed that Nacchio refused to turn over customer telephone records because he didn’t think the NSA program had legal standing.

Also note that Senator Brownback voted FOR the “Protect America Act” that allowed “massive, untargeted collection of international communications” (including email and phone) and also voted for this year’s FISA bill that allows our government to directly tap public telecommunications systems to monitor email and phone communications.

Don’t people realize that if we are going to illegally spy, torture, or start preemptive wars, it is going to make it very difficult for us to protest when other people do the same thing. Unless of course, we don’t mind being blatantly hypocritical.

Not to mention that what China is doing is not illegal (either under their laws or international law). After all, they don’t claim to be a free, democratic country.

From Glenn Greenwald in Salon.

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Electronic Voting Machines in Zimbabwe?

Tom Toles
© Tom Toles

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The Commander-in-Chief Test

From Humanitainment, the same people who brought you The Empire Strikes Barack

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Your vote has already been stolen

Ted Rall / Greg Palast
© Ted Rall

Think this is just a comic? Check this out.

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Dumb Bush quotes get head start on 2008

Daniel Kurtzman has collected the top 5 dumb Bush quotes of 2008, and we’re only half way through the year! You can also vote on your top dumb Bush quote of all time there.

“Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech!” –to Pope Benedict after he spoke at the White House, Washington, D.C., April 15, 2008 (too bad it wasn’t April 1).

“Wait a minute. What did you just say? You’re predicting $4-a-gallon gas? … That’s interesting. I hadn’t heard that.” –at a news conference, Washington, D.C., Feb. 28, 2008.

“And so, General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq.” –to Army Gen. Ray Odierno, Washington, D.C., March 3, 2008.

“Goodbye from the world’s biggest polluter.” –parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008.

“I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.” –Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008.

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McCain Captured

Daryl Cagle
© Daryl Cagle

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The Myth of Liberal Media

A new study confirms what most of us have known for a while — that conservative whining about “liberal bias” in the media is baseless.  It was always difficult to believe. After all, the mainstream media in this country is largely owned by large conservative corporations, and cable news channels like Fox News are little more than government propaganda outlets.

But now, the Center for Media and Public Affairs at George Mason University, where researchers have tracked network news content for two decades, and whose studies have often been cited by conservatives, did a detailed analysis of the three television networks (ABC, CBS, and NBC) and concluded that they were much tougher on Obama than on McCain. During the evening news during the first 6 weeks of the general election campaign, of the opinions expressed about Obama, 72% were negative and 28% were positive (over 2.5 to 1 against Obama). For McCain, 57% were negative and 43% were positive (just over 1.3 to 1 against McCain). In other words, the media was twice as negative against Obama as they were against McCain.

What I find especially ironic is when someone from the conservative media (Limbaugh, Hannity, Beck, etc.) complains about liberal bias in the media — the white kettle calling the kettle black!

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Late Night Humor

“It was kind of surprising; they really love Obama in Germany. He’s like a rock star over there. It’s impressive until you realize that David Hasselhoff is also like a rock star over there.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Today in Berlin, Barack Obama spoke to a crowd of over 200,000 people. In fact, he was so eager to please the Germans, he promised he’d name David Hasselhoff as vice president.” -Jay Leno

“It’s been a great week for Obama. To say he say won the photo-op battle this week is like saying Batman did okay at the box office. Let’s just recap. Here’s Obama this week hitting a long jump shot in front of troops in Afghanistan. And here’s John McCain, he’s being interrupted by the supermarket cashier in the prepackaged meat aisle at a grocery store. Things are so bad for John McCain — I know this is going to seem like a joke — but I did a Google news search for John McCain and here’s what came up: nothing. That’s real. I mean, it must have been a malfunction. Fortunately, he doesn’t know how to get on the internet, so it probably won’t bother him.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“It was leaked yesterday regarding a possible vice presidential running mate. John McCain could be leaning towards Tim Pawlenty. I know what you’re thinking. THE Tim Pawlenty? Apparently, McCain wants to lower his profile even more. I’m not even sure who Pawlenty was, so I Googled him and it said ‘Who?’ … He’s governor of Minnesota, is that what it is? Pawlenty, doesn’t it sound like a dish at the Olive Garden? ‘Let me have some pawlenty with the meat sauce.'” -Jay Leno

“Here’s the latest on John Edwards’ vice presidential chances. Too much vice, not enough presidential. Have you heard this story? The mainstream media is now starting to report on a story that was first broken by the National Enquirer this week. The National Enquirer claimed they caught John Edwards visiting his mistress at 2:40 in the morning at the Beverly Hills hotel Monday night. And when a team of reporters confronted him, he ran and hid in the men’s room! And you know who was in there? Senator Larry Craig. What are the odds?” -Jay Leno

“McCain said he’d balance the budget by the end of the year, and Barack Obama said he’d would bring peace between Israel and the Palestinians. I don’t know who not to believe.” -Jay Leno

“The price of oil has dropped to under $125 a barrel for the first time in two months. And gasoline is down six cents a gallon. You know what this means. The White House will call for an emergency bailout to help the struggling oil companies. ‘We got to stop the bleeding!'” -Jay Leno

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