From Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s (blistering) dissent to the Supreme Court’s ruling allowing certain employers to violate the law by not providing contraception as part of their health insurance: Approving some religious claims while deeming others unworthy of accommodation could be ‘perceived as favoring one religion over another,’ the very ‘risk the [Constitution’s] Establishment Clause […]
“Last night Hillary Clinton said she won’t support legalizing recreational marijuana until we see how it goes in Colorado. Officials in Colorado couldn’t respond because they were too busy swimming in a pool of money.” – Jimmy Fallon “Crack-smoking mayor of Toronto Rob Ford is returning to Canada. He’s been in the United States in […]
“This morning the Pentagon announced that the United States has captured a leader responsible for the Benghazi attacks. Republicans were ecstatic and said, ‘So, they finally got Hillary?’” – Conan O’Brien “President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out of Iraq. […]
“President Obama just had his annual physical, which showed that he’s suffering some pain in his right foot. When asked why he doesn’t get it treated, Obama said bitterly, ‘It’s not covered by Obamacare.’” – Jimmy Fallon “Over the weekend, President Obama got his annual presidential physical. His cholesterol is up and his approval rating […]
“House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost Virginia’s Republican primary to a Tea Party candidate. And get this. It was revealed that Cantor’s campaign actually spent more money at steakhouses than his opponent spent on his entire campaign. Or as one of my guests tonight put it, ‘So? What’s wrong with that?’ Hey, I’m talking about […]
“A Tea Party candidate won Virginia’s Republican primary, mostly on his anti-immigration stance. His first plan is to change the state’s slogan from ‘Virginia is for lovers’ to ‘Virginia is for lovers who habla ingles.’” – Conan O’Brien “House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was defeated in the primary election. He spent $5 million on his […]
“President Obama went for a walk and went to a Starbucks. If this guy can afford coffee at Starbucks, the economy must be improving.” – David Letterman “President Obama surprised tourists by walking to a Starbucks near the White House. Even more surprising, he traded five Taliban members for a grande soy latte.” – Seth […]
“Hillary Clinton said she wants to travel this year, and won’t make any announcements about her plans to run for president until 2015. When asked where she’ll travel, she said, ‘New Hampshire, Iowa, and maybe spend a few months in Florida.’” – Jimmy Fallon “In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Hillary Clinton said she would […]
“Something happened this week that in the past was always completely not controversial, we brought home a prisoner of war. Bowe Bergdahl is his name, from the Afghanistan war. Of course if you saw Fox News, you saw what really happened: Obama surrendered to the Taliban.” – Bill Maher “It was a tough week for […]
“President Obama says that the United States never leaves soldiers behind. But that’s because we never leave.” – David Letterman “This Bergdahl guy was in a Taliban prison for five years, and he’s now recovering in a hospital in Germany. The reason he is in Germany is because he couldn’t get into a VA hospital […]
“We bring back a POW, Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, from Afghanistan and to get him back we traded five Taliban thugs. And now everybody’s gone crazy. People say it’s the most controversial trade that has taken place since NBC traded me here to CBS.” – David Letterman “These guys were down in Gitmo and now they […]
“The United States has traded an American POW for five Taliban prisoners. Originally, the deal included Joe Biden, but the Taliban said no.” – David Letterman “I don’t want to complicate your hatred of facial hair there, friend, but my guess is if you gave Bob Bergdahl a bandana and a duck, you’d like him […]
“Newly leaked documents show the NSA has been collecting millions of pictures of people online for its sophisticated facial recognition program. Americans said it’s a huge violation of their privacy – then they went back to posting selfies every 30 minutes.” – Jimmy Fallon “In a new interview, President Obama revealed that his daughter Malia […]
“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s car was involved in a DUI. Somehow a woman named LeAnne McRobb wound up in his car. You know what a McRobb is? It’s half Rob Ford, half McRib.” – Jimmy Kimmel “A woman got a DUI while driving a car that belongs to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. So, I’m starting […]
“Yesterday President Obama made an unscheduled stop at a Little League game while he was on his way to a fundraiser. Yeah, because there’s nothing parents love more than their kid’s Little League game getting even longer.” – Jimmy Fallon “In New Hampshire, a police commissioner who called President Obama a racial slur has resigned. […]
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