“President Obama visited with Pope Francis today, and during the meeting the president gave Pope Francis some seeds used in the White House garden. Then he said, ‘Don’t plant these where anyone can see them. They’re straight from Denver. ‘” – Jimmy Fallon “It’s traditional for world leaders to exchange gifts when they meet for […]
“Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia’s invasion because Vladimir Putin doesn’t own a cellphone or use the Internet due to fear of being tracked. You can tell Putin doesn’t spend much time online. When he says ‘LOL’, he means ‘Look out, Latvia’.” – Jimmy Fallon “That’s right, Putin doesn’t have a […]
“President Obama has convinced the leaders of the world’s biggest economies to move the G-8 summit out of Russia this summer and meet in Brussels instead. Then Vladimir Putin said, ‘All good. By summer, Brussels will be part of Russia.’” – Jimmy Fallon “They’ve kicked Vladimir Putin out of the G-8, the most powerful economic […]
“Let’s talk about March Madness. It starts out with 68. Then it goes to 32. And then it drops to 16. You know what it’s like? It’s like President Obama’s approval rating.” – David Letterman “In March Madness, when No. 3 Syracuse was eliminated, I heard people say the Orange had been eliminated. They said […]
“Absolutely nothing new has happened with the missing plane. It is astounding how they continue to report ‘news’ even though they have zero information; although, it never stopped Fox News.” – Bill Maher “Fox News, they may be a little biased, we had an earthquake here on Monday and they reported that the Earth’s crust […]
“The president announced his bracket for the NCAA tournament. March Madness starts tomorrow and Obama is predicting Michigan State will beat Louisville to win the national championship. Going by Obama’s past predictions, I want to congratulate Louisville on their big win.” – Jimmy Fallon “The NCAA tournament tips off tomorrow. As is now the tradition, […]
“A new poll found that two-thirds of Americans are following the situation in Ukraine, which is impressive. Usually, you can’t find two-thirds of Americans who are following the situation in America.” – Jimmy Fallon “Vice President Biden said today that the U.S. is considering sending troops to the Baltic states bordering Russia. According to Biden, […]
© Tom Tomorrow Years ago I started writing a short story called “The Invasion of Privacy”. The plot was that a scientist had figured out how to focus “gravity waves” over a distance, so you could see a (black-and-white) image of anything going on anywhere in the world. Sound worked too, by measuring the vibrations […]
“It’s an amazing story… the plane… something just vanished without a trace. it means it was either an act of terrorism, an accident, or it starred Collin Farrell.” – Bill Maher “The situation in Ukraine keeps getting more tense. And now Vladimir Putin has moved 10,000 troops to the Russian-Ukrainian border. Russia says its troops […]
“The crisis in Ukraine still has people worried. Today John McCain led a group of senators there to get a firsthand look. When they landed, McCain said, ‘This is a disaster, these people are living like animals!’ And then someone said, ‘We have a layover – this is LaGuardia Airport.’” – Jimmy Fallon “Things are […]
“President Obama went shopping at The Gap here in New York City. He ended up buying a sweater for each of his daughters, and a workout jacket for the first lady. You know, because whenever someone visits New York the one souvenir people really want is something from The Gap.” – Jimmy Fallon “Today President […]
“President Obama today appeared on the Zach Galifianakis online comedy show ‘Between Two Ferns’. The president was there to talk about HIS online comedy show – Obamacare.” – Seth Meyers “No one has signed up for Obamacare, give or take 4.2 million people.” – Stephen Colbert “In town right now is President Obama for a […]
“I do not like the speech you spoke. The speech you spoke was quite a joke. I found your words were lacking taste. You first hit copy, then hit paste. I would not like this on a beach. So next time write your own damn speech.” – Jimmy Fallon (reading a rebuttal from “Sam I […]
“Tensions between Russia and Ukraine escalated this week when Crimea’s parliament voted in favor of leaving Ukraine and becoming part of Russia. ‘Oh come on!’ said a kid with an upcoming Geography test.” – Cecily Strong (on “Weekend Update”) “President Obama this week warned Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has sent warships to Crimea, that […]
“An anchor for Russia’s state-owned news channel quit on live TV yesterday, saying that she doesn’t agree with the network’s support of Vladimir Putin. In response, Putin sent her somewhere no one will ever see her again – CNN.” – Jimmy Fallon “Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are […]
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