“North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. What did Dennis Rodman say to these people? What did he do?” – Jay Leno “North Korea is warning the U.S. that war with South Korea may break out at any minute. Or as Obama put it, ‘Can’t believe I’m doing this. Get me […]
“A recent poll found that 58% of Americans now think it should be legal for gays and lesbians to get married. And the other 42% object only because they don’t want to go to another goddamn wedding.” – Stephen Colbert “The Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. It could be a […]
“The former Pope got together today with the new Pope for a Pope reunion special. They referred to each other as New Pope and Pope Classic.” – Craig Ferguson “Over the weekend the current Pope and the former Pope had lunch together. The waiter who served them said they spent the whole time bitching about […]
[excerpted from Free Wood Post] On Thursday, at approximately 2:37 AM, members of the Joint Chiefs alerted President Obama that the Drone Strike System or DSS had activated and that several fully armed drones had been sent to deal with an “immediate threat to national security”. The President, realizing the system’s mistake was able to […]
“There’s a big controversy with the History Channel’s mini-series The Bible. Well, it seems the actor playing Satan bears an uncanny resemblance to President Obama. You know, this isn’t the first time the president’s been portrayed as the devil. FOX News does it every single day. This is not new.” – Jay Leno “The Republican […]
“President Obama filled out his NCAA tournament bracket. He picked Florida, Indiana, Louisville, and Ohio State to go to the Final Four. Crazy that it’s been four months since the election, and he still needs Florida and Ohio to win.” – Jimmy Fallon “President Obama filled out his NCAA bracket. He picked Indiana, Louisville, Florida, […]
“The new Pope was inaugurated earlier today. Did you watch the festivities? All of the world leaders were there. Joe Biden represented the United States. Germany was represented by Angela Merkel. And Dennis Rodman was there, of course.” – David Letterman “The Pope is urging compassion for those less fortunate. Of course, that means the […]
“Have you been watching ‘The Bible’? They have a character who plays Satan, and he looks a little bit like President Obama. And I thought, ‘If President Obama was actually Satan, Republicans might be willing to deal with him.’” – David Letterman “The guy who plays Satan on the History Channel’s ‘The Bible’ looks like […]
“We have a new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I think I have his spaghetti sauce.” – David Letterman “You know what I liked best about the election of the new Pope? Just the fact that we don’t have to see any more of those negative Pope campaign ads.” – Jay Leno “Today […]
http://www.theonion.com/articles/supreme-court-on-gay-marriage-sure-who-cares,31812/ Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was “perfectly fine” and that the court could “care less who marries whom.” “Yeah, of course gay men and women can get married. […]
Easy peasy! As long as you’re willing to be wrong for powerful special interests, you’ll never have to worry about having a job. And we have drugs if you can’t sleep at night. © Tom Tomorrow Don’t believe it? Ten years ago, Phil Donahue was fired from MSNBC for speaking out against the war in […]
“As you know, we have a new Pope. He is Pope Francis of Argentina. He is a 76-year-old man with only one lung. This could be just the burst of youth and vitality the Catholic Church needs.” – Jay Leno “The new Pope had part of a lung removed when he was a teenager. I […]
“We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn’t want to do.” – Conan O’Brien “We have a new Pope! He is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He is from Argentina. Tens of […]
“Today was the first day that cardinals started voting for the new Pope. Everyone has already voted except the cardinal from Florida, who’s still trying to figure out how the ballots work.” – Jimmy Fallon “With the selection process going on for the new Pope, there’s a lot of papal trivial. For example, did you […]
“In Venezuela they held the funeral for dictator Hugo Chavez. Many world leaders were there: Iran sent their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Cuba sent Raul Castro; and we sent Dennis Rodman.” – Jay Leno “North Korea may attack South Korea. Thanks a lot, Rodman!” – David Letterman “Now that Hugo Chavez is gone, the crazy nut-ball […]
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