Political Irony

[Jokes from Aug. 31, 2016]

“Donald Trump made a surprise trip to Mexico for a meeting with the country’s president, Enrique Peña Nieto. Or as Trump put it, ‘Nice to meet you, Eric Piñata.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today, the president of Mexico hosted Donald Trump. It was just another example of a Mexican doing a job that Americans don’t want.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump traveled to Mexico today to meet with President Enrique Peña Nieto. Said Trump, ‘Wow, this place has more illegal immigrants than we do.'” – Seth Meyers

“Today Donald Trump made a last-minute trip to Mexico to meet with Mexican President Enrique Peña [Nieto] — and you just know that as soon as Trump crossed into Mexico, even Hillary Clinton was like, ‘OK, let’s get cracking on that wall.'” – James Corden

“After insulting Mexico for the past year, Donald Trump was in Mexico today. Things got awkward when he made a speech that started out, ‘Hola, Rapists.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The Mexican president is saying that he told Trump that Mexico would not pay for the wall, while Trump says they never discussed who would pay for it. In Trump’s defense, who has ever gone down to Mexico and remembered what they did?” – James Corden

“Donald Trump and Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto held a joint press conference where Trump said the two did discuss his proposed border wall but did not address payment for its construction. Said Trump, ‘You know me, I don’t like to talk about money.'” – Seth Meyers

“If you’re feeling frustrated with Trump’s Mexico antics and you’re not quite sold on Hillary Clinton, luckily there’s another presidential candidate who has been making her voice heard and that’s Green Party candidate Jill Stein. If you don’t know who Jill Stein is, just picture Bernie Sanders, and now picture the woman in the back of his rally selling dream catchers.” – James Corden

“According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton is more unpopular than ever, but still not as unpopular as Donald Trump. So this election is kind of like asking people if they’d rather have chlamydia or gonorrhea.” – Conan O’Brien

“A reporter went through Hillary Clinton’s schedule while she was secretary of state and found that she and Bill were often away from each other, and sometimes even on different continents. When asked why they didn’t try to coordinate their schedules, Hillary said, ‘Oh, we did.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chris Christie just vetoed a proposal to boost New Jersey’s minimum wage to $15 an hour. Then fast food workers said, ‘After all we’ve done for you?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was spotted singing and dancing at a Bruce Springsteen concert. Then Christie tried to crowd surf and killed nine people.” – Conan O’Brien

“Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry will compete on the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. Which is why this season it will be called ‘Dancing with the Stars … and Rick Perry.'” – Jimmy Fallon

[Jokes from Aug. 30, 2016]

“On September 26th Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton will face off in a debate at Hofstra University. The Clinton campaign is using psychology experts to create a personality profile of Trump to figure out what his approach might be. I don’t know, are they preparing for a debate or trying to catch the Zodiac Killer?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The first presidential debate is now less than one month away and apparently the candidates have two very different ways of preparing. Hillary Clinton pores over briefing books, thick with policy arcana and opposition research. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is all about spectacle. One former aide said ‘Trump wants to be a showstopper in the Roman coliseum, the main event at WrestleMania.’ Which makes sense since just like pro wrestling, you look at Trump’s campaign and say ‘That’s got to be fake!'” – Stephen Colbert

“Both candidates are practicing for the debates, and according to insiders, Hillary Clinton is still trying to find a stand-in for Donald Trump. So far the best she’s come up with is a car alarm stuffed inside a rotting pumpkin.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton said, ‘I’m not taking anything for granted, I don’t know which Donald Trump will show up.’ She’s right, it could be the Donald Trump we see on cable news, could be the Donald Trump we see at these rallies, it could be Donald Trump Jr. … technically still a Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Hillary Clinton spoke yesterday about her preparation for the upcoming presidential debate, and told reporters, quote, ‘I do not know which Donald Trump will show up.’ Yes — will it be the kind, generous and intelligent Donald Trump, or will it be the one who exists?” – Seth Meyers

“According to a new poll, 54 percent of Republican voters don’t believe Trump was the best choice to be their party’s nominee for president, they wished they’d picked someone else. Kind of like when you go to buy a shirt. You see all these shirts, plain patterns, regular shirts. They look OK but not exciting. Then tucked in the middle of all these plain shirts, you see this totally awesome shirt. It’s bold. It’s different. It doesn’t play by the other shirts’ rules. You buy it, you get home, you try the shirt on, you look at yourself in the mirror and then your wife walks in and says, ‘What the hell are you wearing?'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is planning a major immigration policy speech Wednesday in Arizona. Now, he was originally supposed to give it last Thursday in Colorado, so it moved later and further south. If he delays it again, it’s Monday at the Panama Canal.” – Stephen Colbert

“On Sunday in California, several dozen Latinos held a rally for Donald Trump. They were a group calling themselves ‘Latinos Who Don’t Really Follow the News’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said in an interview today that Donald Trump’s focus on a border wall is because ‘a wall is something very easy for people to understand.’ Whereas tax returns, super complicated.” – Seth Meyers

“An African-American pastor who is a prominent Trump campaign surrogate tweeted out a cartoon of Hillary Clinton in blackface yesterday and accused her of pandering to black voters. Clinton responded calling the accusations, quote, ‘untrue’ and ‘wack as hell, dawg.'” – Seth Meyers

“Anthony Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin, has decided to finally separate from him after his latest sexting scandal. So ladies: ‘He’s single!” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump weighed in on this, saying that our national security may have been compromised by the scandal because Weiner’s wife had access to Hillary’s security briefs. I wouldn’t worry though, ‘cuz Weiner’s only sharing the stuff that’s in his own briefs.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mrs. Palin just posted on Facebook that she tripped and fell while doing something called ‘Rock-running’. Not sure what rock-running is, but I think it’s when you jog while playing air guitar.” – Stephen Colbert

“Palin fell and hit her head on a rock. Don’t worry, she’s OK or, you know, the same.” – Stephen Colbert

“This November, Californians get to vote on whether or not to legalize recreational marijuana. They can either forget to vote in person, or forget to vote by mail.” – Conan O’Brien

“Ryan Lochte and former Gov. Rick Perry will appear on this season’s ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ The theme of this season is ‘Dumb’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Francis met with Mark Zuckerberg yesterday at the Vatican, and it was revealed that the Pope doesn’t actually have an official Facebook account. In other words, he wants to connect with millions of Catholics worldwide, just not the ones he went to high school with.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Zuckerberg actually gave the Pope a drone. The Pope was like, ‘You mean it hovers above us and sees everything? Yeah, I’ve already got one of those. It’s called God.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Queen Elizabeth is advertising for a housekeeping assistant to live and work in Buckingham Palace. The job would require dusting all the palace antiques — like chandeliers, vases, and Queen Elizabeth.” – Jimmy Fallon

[Jokes from Aug. 29, 2016]

“Donald Trump is trying to turn his poll numbers around and recently told his supporters that if he’s elected, the White House will become the people’s house. He was like, ‘Because I ain’t living in that dump. I’m going to get a mansion down the street and I’ll check in every other week.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A 25-year-old has scammed over $1 million from Trump supporters. It’s being called ‘the first time in years that the Trump name has actually made someone money.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s doctor, Harold Bornstein, has been making the rounds to defend his unusually effusive report on the candidate’s health . . . He wrote, ‘If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.’ I guess that means he did physicals on Obama and Reagan and Lincoln, too.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, spoke about Trump’s new immigration policy over the weekend, and said he will ensure that enforcement is humane. Humane? I don’t think it’s a good sign when a candidate is talking about undocumented immigrants the same way KFC talks about chickens.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump is challenging Hillary Clinton to release ‘detailed medical records’. This marks the first time Trump’s ever been interested in the body of a woman over 40.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton has begun pledging $30 billion over the next decade to retrain coal miners to be able to work in newer technology businesses, so get ready for an interesting trip to the Apple Store.” – Seth Meyers

“Apple next week is expected to unveil the iPhone 7. ‘How’s the camera?’ asked Anthony Weiner.” – Seth Meyers

“Anthony Weiner is back in the news with another sexting scandal. He’s like the Michael Phelps of sexting. He keeps saying he’s going to retire, but every four years he’s back.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Kim Jong Un reportedly threw a huge outdoor dance party on Thursday to celebrate the successful test of North Korea’s ballistic missile. Residents described the party as fun, exciting, and mandatory.” – Jimmy Fallon

[Jokes from Aug. 25, 2016]

“Politico is now reporting that Hillary Clinton’s campaign is using a run-out-the-clock strategy against Donald Trump, hoping to just outlast him until November. ‘Sounds like a good plan,’ said Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush, and John Kasich.” – Jimmy Fallon

“On Saturday, Hillary Clinton will receive her first official intelligence briefing as a candidate. Officials plan to tell Hillary about threats to U.S. cybersecurity such as Russia, China, and her.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton had a phone interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper last night — and she HAD to do it by phone, because nobody could possibly lie to that face.” – Seth Meyers

“The leader of England’s Brexit movement spoke at a Trump rally and he said, ‘I wouldn’t vote for Clinton if you paid me.’ So in other words, Hillary has lost the critical ‘People Who Live in England’ vote.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton cited an old Mexican proverb in her speech in Nevada today to highlight the unchanging nature of Donald Trump. A Mexican proverb, or as Trump calls it, ‘A spell!'” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump’s campaign is now saying he didn’t change his immigration plan, he just changed the words he used to describe it. They also said Trump hasn’t been married three times, he’s just changed the person he calls ‘wife’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump will be the first president to make decisions by playing ‘Hot or Not’ with world leaders. Like, ‘Angela Merkel, not hot. Vladimir Putin, very hot.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Boston Globe just reported that according to his campaign staff, Donald Trump wouldn’t take any vacations as president. I think that’s because he has offended so many other countries he can’t leave this one.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new Earth-like planet has been discovered a few months before an election where Donald Trump could be president. If that’s not perfect timing, I don’t know what is.” –James Corden

“Donald Trump’s running mate Mike Pence tweeted six pictures of himself stopping to get a burger in North Carolina yesterday. Chris Christie was like, ‘OK, now he’s just rubbing it in.'” – Seth Meyers