Political Irony

“Much to the dismay of many Republicans, a new report said Donald Trump is still leading in the polls, and one voter was quoted as saying, ‘Unfortunately, I’m leaning toward Trump.’ Even worse, that voter was Jeb Bush.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A word association poll found the words most associated with Donald Trump are idiot, jerk, stupid, and dumb. In other words, he really could be our next president. He’s got everything it takes.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s wife Melania just gave an interview where she said their 9-year-old son Barron wants to grow up to be a golfer, a businessman, and a pilot. When Melania told him that’s very unlikely to happen, he replied, ‘Dad’s in first place for president, anything can happen.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“This is what happens when you give Donald Trump attention: Everyone else seems reasonable in comparison. Ben Carson is over here saying ‘You’re Hitler!’ ‘Obamacare is slavery!’ And we’re like, ‘Finally, an adult in the room!'” – James Corden

“Ben Carson has made a lot of controversial statements. He’s said prison turns people gay and that Obamacare is the worst thing to happen to our country since slavery. And that was just to his waitress at breakfast.” – James Corden

“Ben Carson talks like he forgot he had a press conference and just took a load of Benadryl. This guy is a retired surgeon. Apparently, instead of giving his patients anesthesia, he just talked to them until they passed out.” – James Corden

“Due to Hurricane Joaquin Governor Christie has declared a state of emergency in New Jersey. Christie spent the day stocking up on tons of groceries — and then he heard about the hurricane.” – Conan O’Brien

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has declared a state of emergency in preparation for Hurricane Joaquin. And Donald Trump declared a state of emergency as soon as he heard the name ‘Joaquin’.” – Seth Meyers

“There’s another breakthrough moment in campaign fundraising. Florida Sen. Marco Rubio’s website already features some great merchandise like a Marco Polo shirt, or a water bottle that says ‘Water great nation.’ The fundraising breakthrough on the Rubio website is that for $250 you can adopt a Rubio staffer for a day. That really pulls at the heart strings. I wasn’t going to donate to Marco Rubio but I can’t let his staff who are evidently orphans go unpurchased.” – Stephen Colbert

“Jeb Bush, the front-runner who’s currently losing — if he won, Jeb Bush would be America’s third Bush president. Three presidents from the same family. Even I think that’s messed up, and I come from a country that still has a queen.” – James Corden

“Today is the day all candidates have to report to the Federal Election Commission how much money they’ve received in the past three months. The big news is that Vermont senator and rooftop beekeeper Bernie Sanders took in a whopping $26 million. That’s more than twice as much money as Jeb Bush pulled in, even though this summer I gave Jeb Bush $3.” – Stephen Colbert

“The Iowa caucuses are just a scant four months away. Meaning the presidential election is just around the corner from the corner we haven’t gotten around yet.” – Stephen Colbert

“Lawyers for Kim Davis say the embattled county clerk was given a secret audience with Pope Francis last Thursday. And since it was a workday, her schedule was wide open.” – Seth Meyers

“While visiting America, Pope Francis secretly met with Kim Davis, the county clerk who denied marriage licenses to gay couples. At first she refused to meet with the Pope because she was told, ‘There’s a guy in a dress named Francis here to see you.'” – Conan O’Brien

“In an interview today, Kim Davis said that her meeting with Pope Francis last week ‘kind of validates everything’. Well, except for a lot of marriage licenses.” – Seth Meyers

“Last week Pope Francis carved time out to meet with Kim Davis, the woman who refused to issue the same-sex marriage license in Kentucky. The reason they met is the Pope wanted to deliver a message to Kim about God, which was ‘Fire your stylist’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump is slumping in the polls. Don’t leave me, Donald. Don’t you understand, if you go away, I’m going to have to talk about those other boring people. I’m going to have to learn their names. I think one of them is Marco Rubio. Am I saying that right? Is it Marco Rubio, or is it Mark O’Rubio? And for the record, I was just crossing two cultures.” – Stephen Colbert

“I like Donald Trump’s way of thinking. It’s not how much money you have, it’s how much money you feel you have.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The New York Times Magazine just did a big profile on Donald Trump, who some say is still the front-runner for the Republican nomination. And get this, it turns out that he usually gets only four hours of sleep at night. Which explains why today he looked in the mirror and said, ‘You’re tired’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The story says that Donald Trump gets so little sleep, he actually suffers from sleep deprivation. Then again, so do most people who think about Donald Trump becoming president.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump’s wife, an immigrant from Slovenia, says she lets Trump be himself. She said, in return, he lets me be in America.” – Conan O’Brien

“Governor Bobby Jindal’s presidential campaign is angrily insisting that the “Duck Dynasty” cast supports him and not Donald Trump. And that is the current report on the state of the Bobby Jindal campaign.” – Conan O’Brien

“CNN will break new ground by live streaming the next primary debate in virtual reality. With the help of a virtual reality headset, users can actually watch the debates from the perspective of an audience member. It’ll feel like you’re seeing Hillary Clinton right in front of you, but she’s not actually there — just like the real Hillary Clinton!” – Stephen Colbert

“NSA leaker Edward Snowden joined Twitter yesterday, and immediately got more followers than the NSA. Which raises an interesting question: Who’s following the NSA on Twitter?” – Jimmy Fallon

Actual sound clips from Donald Trump, acted out by your drunk neighbor. You know, that guy who lives near you who has a drinking problem:

“President Obama and Vladimir Putin met yesterday at the U.N., but the White House and the Kremlin have been disagreeing about who asked whom to meet. For my younger viewers, that means they were arguing about who swiped right first.” – Jimmy Fallon

“While in New York City, President Obama and Vladimir Putin met and the meeting was described as awkward. Apparently Obama was upset that he looks nothing like his Tinder photo.” – Conan O’Brien

“After their meeting got off to a tense start, Obama and Putin wound up talking for 90 minutes, and Putin described the talks as ‘surprisingly open’. Putin said it was the most productive conversation he’d ever had with someone who wasn’t tied to a chair.” – Jimmy Fallon

“On Friday, despite our trade wars, tension in the South China Sea, and Chinese hacking attacks, President Obama gave President Xi Jinping a full South Lawn welcome, where the Chinese president greeted every White House staffer by name and bank account.” – Stephen Colbert

“The president of China announced an agreement today aimed at limiting greenhouse gas emissions. Yes, China is limiting their greenhouse gas emissions, bringing them down from their current level of ‘infinite’.” – Stephen Colbert

“Of course, step one in lowering emissions is trading in their Volkswagens.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump told The New York Times that he’s only been getting four hours of sleep a night. In other words, even Donald Trump lies awake at night worrying about a Trump presidency.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump came out with this proposal for a new tax plan yesterday. Just like a real presidential candidate would do! It’s kind of adorable.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump plans to raise taxes on the very rich — which doesn’t include him because he’s very, VERY rich.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Under Trump you won’t have to pay any income taxes if you make less than $25,000 a year, if you and your spouse make under $50,000 a year, and if you capture an illegal Mexican you won’t pay any taxes at all.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In a speech Marco Rubio talked about the danger of electing a president who does not understand technology. Unfortunately, Rubio’s speech was interrupted when his beeper went off. He had to get to a pay phone.” – Conan O’Brien

“When asked today if his low poll numbers would make him consider dropping out of the presidential race, Senator Lindsey Graham told reporters, ‘Hell no’. Which, also, incidentally, is his poll number.” – Seth Meyers

“Pennsylvania Democratic Congressman Bob Brady decided he wanted a unique memento of the papal visit. After the Pope finished his speech to Congress, Brady helped himself to the very glass of water that the pontiff had been sipping from as he made his address. Congressman Brady, here’s the thing — it won’t give you superpowers. It’s not like getting bitten by a radioactive Pope.” – Stephen Colbert

“Pope Francis wrapped up his trip to the U.S., and while he was in Philadelphia, the Pope visited a prison. He said he couldn’t believe how dirty and overcrowded it was, then his assistant said, ‘This is just the Amtrak station, we haven’t gotten to the prison yet.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“People went absolutely gaga for the Pope. In Philadelphia yesterday Pope Francis met with a family that had driven 13,000 miles from Argentina just to see him. It was an awkward moment when the Pope said, ‘I guess no one told you guys, I’ll be in Argentina next week.'” – Conan O’Brien

“After almost a week of very intense waving at people, Pope Francis is back home in Rome. It was nice to see Americans get excited about someone who wasn’t a Kardashian or a rat with a slice of pizza.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama is in town for the U.N. General Assembly. And tomorrow, he plans to meet with the president of Kazakhstan, Nursultan Nazarbayev. Or as Obama will call him, ‘Uh … hey, chief!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Russian President Vladimir Putin also addressed the U.N. General Assembly today. Unfortunately he addressed them as ‘My future Russians.'” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton went on ‘Meet the Press’ yesterday, and I saw that Chuck Todd actually showed her a video of all the times she’s flip-flopped on issues. At first Hillary said she felt bad about it, but now she says she feels OK about it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton is by far the favorite to win the Democratic nomination even though her presidential campaign has had more than its share of bumps in the road, from the Benghazi controversy to her private email server to the persistent allegation that she’s less charismatic than a 70-year-old socialist who doesn’t own a phone.” – Stephen Colbert

“According to The Washington Post, when Clinton ran for president in 2008, she was 5’5′ according to a height report from the Clinton campaign. But now, news sources say Hillary Clinton is 5’7′ tall. Hillary Clinton has added two inches. This couldn’t be one of those classic cases where a woman hits her 60s and suddenly gets taller.” – Stephen Colbert

“This sensation over Hillary’s elevation might be the thing that finally takes her down, or up. We don’t know at this point.” – Stephen Colbert

“Hillary says she opposes Keystone XL, but maybe she’s holding out for XXL.” – Stephen Colbert

“If Hillary continues to grow, think how big she’ll be when she finally reaches the Oval Office. We won’t have to worry about Iran because mega-Hillary can swat missiles out of the sky!” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump is still going strong. We all thought that was going to last a couple of weeks and we’d all have a good chuckle, but it continues. On ’60 Minutes’ last night, Donald Trump called for a tax hike on wealthy Americans. As a result, Donald Trump said he can no longer support Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new poll by The Wall Street Journal has found that Donald Trump and Dr. Ben Carson are running virtually neck and neck. While Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz are running without necks.” – Seth Meyers

“Jeb Bush said last week that Democrats often win the black vote because they tell people ‘we’ll take care of you with free stuff.’ Whereas Democrats actually win the black vote because Republicans keep saying stuff like that.” – Seth Meyers

“Today, NASA announced that it has finally discovered water on Mars. When they heard, Americans were like, ‘Eh, tell us when they discover beer.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday as Pope Francis rode down Fifth Avenue, Donald Trump actually stepped out of Trump Tower with his son, Donald Jr., and got booed by the crowd. Then Trump was like, ‘I guess they really don’t like you Donald, Jr.!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“This morning, Pope Francis addressed the U.N. General Assembly, and rode around inside the U.N. building in a golf cart. People will never forget what the Pope said as he passed them: ‘WHEEE!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“House Speaker John Boehner announced that he is resigning from Congress. When he heard Congress lost Boehner, John McCain said, ‘Oh I got a little blue pill for that.’ ‘No, BOEHNER. We lost House Speaker Boehner!’ It’s pronounced Bay-ner.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I saw that Pope Francis held his first-ever prayer here in New York City earlier this evening. I guess it was halfway through his first New York City cab ride. ‘Holy Mary Mother of God, pray for us sinners…'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Pope Francis is in America. Can you feel it? There is a certain electricity in the air and the nation’s 70 million Catholics have the kind of excitement that we usually don’t have unless we’re asking forgiveness for it afterwards.” – Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday at one of the Pope’s appearances, you probably saw the footage, a 5-year-old Mexican-American girl broke through security. Luckily, she was tackled by 16 Republican presidential candidates.” – Conan O’Brien

“While he was in Washington, the Pope gave a major speech to Congress, and asked them to accept immigrants as their own children. Then congressmen were like, ‘Eh, we’ve already got enough children our wives don’t know about.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“After Pope Francis became the first pontiff to address a joint session of Congress today, he went to meet with a group of homeless people. That’s right, he spoke to some people who spend all their time begging for money, and then he met with the homeless.” – Seth Meyers

“Our entire show is dedicated to Pope Francis’ historic visit to the U.S. It’s an hour long, so it might be the shortest Catholic service you’ll ever sit through.” –Stephen Colbert

“And in a speech yesterday, Pope Francis urged American bishops to ‘flee the temptation of narcissism.’ Then bishops were like, ‘Oooh! He’s talking about us!’ – Jimmy Fallon

“The president of China is going to be at the White House. I just hope the president of China likes leftover Pope food.” – Conan O’Brien

“Of course Donald Trump did weigh in on the Pope. He said he likes the Pope very much but he doesn’t agree with him on climate change or immigration. He said he doesn’t believe in climate change or gravity. He doesn’t believe in either of those things.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today Donald Trump said he doesn’t believe in climate change. He said if there’s a hole in the ozone layer, just comb some ozone from another part over it.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump was scheduled to appear on Fox News’ ‘The O’Reilly Factor’ tonight, but Fox canceled him after his recent comments criticizing the network. So if you want to hear about Donald Trump, you’ll just have to try CNN, MSNBC, ABC, NBC, CBS, Bravo, Facebook, Twitter, or going outside.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump announced yesterday that he will no longer be appearing on Fox News because he believes they treat him unfairly. Then President Obama was like, ‘You. Are. ADORABLE! Really? Wow.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“There’s going to be a total lunar eclipse and a super moon on Sunday, both of them at once. That has not happened since 1982, it won’t happen again until 2033 — which happens be the year when Snooki is expected to be seeking the Republican nomination for president.” – Jimmy Kimmel