Political Irony

“Tonight was the first Democratic debate on CNN. And get this, they actually had an extra podium ready in case Joe Biden decided he’d join the race. Which backfired when before the debate even started people were like, ‘Could we just vote for the empty podium?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“They were keeping a spare podium open for Joe Biden in case he decided to enter the race at the last minute, as if he’s going to walk in and shock everyone like a Spanish soap opera or something.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“CNN kept an extra podium set aside at tonight’s Democratic debate in case Vice President Joe Biden had decided to announce his candidacy, and now the empty podium is pulling ahead of Martin O’Malley.” – Seth Meyers

“Tonight on CNN was the mildly anticipated first debate between the Democratic candidates. If you were in Vegas tonight you get to see Elton John, Donny and Marie, the Judds, or you can go and see the presidential debate. There’s really something for everyone.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“CNN has been running a countdown clock to this debate for days now. They got a huge audience for the Republican debate because of Donald Trump but this one doesn’t have a Donald Trump. This one has Bernie Sanders who looks like he’s on the verge of being alive. So they had to find a way to drum up excitement.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I’m sure many of you watched the first Democratic presidential debate over on CNN. CNN released where the candidates would be standing on the stage. Hillary Clinton was in the center. Bernie Sanders was on her right, making it the first time in history he’s been to the right of anyone.” – Stephen Colbert

“One of Bernie Sanders’ campaign advisers said they wanted him to tone down his yelling at tonight’s debate. You could tell he was yelling too much because I had to keep turning the volume UP to hear the commercials.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Then there are the three other candidates: Governor Martin O’Malley, Senator Jim Webb and Governor Lincoln Chafee. Little-known fact about Lincoln Chafee: Anything.” – Stephen Colbert

“Trump didn’t have too many nice things to say about the Democratic debate. In fact, he said he thinks people would turn on the Democratic debate for a few minutes and then fall asleep. Then CNN was like, ‘Hey, that still counts! Ratings are ratings! Just leave it on! We don’t care.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump asked a young man who appeared to be Asian-American if he was from South Korea, to which the man replied, ‘I was born in Texas.’ Trump was so embarrassed that his face turned red 20 years ago.” – Seth Meyers

“Trump also said yesterday that as a politician, you have to get along with everybody. And then he retired from politics.” – Seth Meyers

“A new analysis of recent political speeches found that George W. Bush actually used longer and more complex words in his speeches than President Obama does. Granted none of those words were actually in the dictionary. ‘Don’t be condescencious. My vocablulation is completely misunderestimated.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Dr. Ben Carson made news last week by saying that the holocaust could have been averted if European Jews had had guns. Though I’m pretty sure what he meant to say was, ‘I don’t want to be president.'” – Seth Meyers

“Mayor Bill de Blasio signed a bill last week that requires stores here in New York City to keep their doors closed when their air conditioning is on. So apparently Bill de Blasio is not only our Mayor, he’s also our dad. ‘I’m not paying to cool off the whole world! SHUT THAT DOOR! Not in use? Turn off the juice!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“North Korea this weekend held a military parade celebrating the 70th anniversary of their communist party. People who attended the parade called it ‘amazing’ and ‘mandatory’.” – Seth Meyers

“The White House yesterday released First Lady Michelle Obama’s Spotify playlist, which features Beyonce, Demi Lovato, and Esperanza Spalding. While Joe Biden’s playlist is just, ‘Now That’s What I Call Train Sounds: Volume 12.'” – Seth Meyers

“The race for president is really starting to get competitive, and Donald Trump recently said that he’s actually getting ready to air his first campaign ads. Even the Geico lizard was like, ‘I think we already see enough of you on TV, mate.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“They’re saying that Republican candidate Ben Carson made a number of serious mistakes as a neurosurgeon and even left a sponge in one patient’s brain. When asked how it affected his life, the patient was like ‘It’s fine, I’m still running for president. I don’t care. Everything’s great. It’s gonna be huge.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Despite claiming last week that he would have rushed the Oregon shooter to save lives, Dr. Ben Carson yesterday recounted how he was once held up at gunpoint in a Popeye’s Chicken and told the gunman, ‘I believe you want the guy behind the counter.’ So we know at least one guy who’s DEFINITELY not voting for Ben Carson.” – Seth Meyers

“Republican presidential hopeful John Kasich made fun of a young woman at a campaign event this week by calling on her for a question and saying, ‘I’m sorry, I don’t have any Taylor Swift tickets.’ This morning Taylor Swift announced that John Kasich is out of the squad.” – Seth Meyers

“House Republicans announced a sudden postponement to the vote to elect John Boehner’s replacement, after speakership front-runner Kevin McCarthy declared himself ‘unfit’ for the job. Though I think he just got scared of how difficult that job must be when he found out that John Boehner is 31 years old.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton continues to distance herself from the Obama administration. In fact, Hillary just came out against President Obama’s Trans-Pacific Partnership Trade Agreement, also known as the TPP. Which is weird, because when Obama asked Hillary if she was down with TPP, she said, ‘Yeah, you know me. A flip, flop, the flippy to the flippity, flip, flip, flip, flop, you don’t stop…'” – Jimmy Fallon

“California governor Jerry Brown signed a controversial new bill allowing assisted suicide. Yeah. Just in time for Lakers season.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton’s 68th birthday is coming up this month, and to celebrate, Hillary is planning to hold a big fundraiser here in New York City. You gotta give it to Hillary — she’s the only grandmother who hears about a birthday and expects the checks to come to HER.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Former President Bill Clinton said yesterday that Donald Trump’s campaign has a certain ‘macho appeal.’ And then Trump said, ‘Whoever this Macho is, I want him deported.'” – Seth Meyers

“I read that Hillary’s staff is starting to worry that her campaign still doesn’t have an official theme. Then Hillary said, ‘Yes it does — revenge.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Anthropologists have released more information about a recently discovered extinct human species. We’re finding out all this really cool stuff. They say the species lived in trees, had brains the size of an orange, and plans to vote for Donald Trump for president.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new study of the candidates’ Facebook fans found that Donald Trump’s fans have the worst grammar. Which isn’t surprising, since Trump’s whole campaign has been one, big run-on sentence. ‘We need to build a wall and fix the economy and get back at China and Rosie O’Donnell and I’m very rich and here’s a red hat and…'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump is reportedly planning new campaign events that will feature his wife, Melania. It’s a good chance for Trump to connect with female voters, and a GREAT chance for Melania to escape.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump recently said, ‘I’m going all the way and I’m going to win.’ And Mike Huckabee said, ‘I’m going some of the way, then I’ll go home.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has a catch phrase. His catch phrase is ‘Feel the burn.’ Now he’s being sued because that’s Del Taco’s slogan.” – Conan O’Brien

“Vladimir Putin celebrated his 63rd birthday today. He had a nice party, but it got awkward when two of his friends got him the same country.” – Jimmy Fallon

“U.S. officials have been wondering why, according to photos, ISIS seems to have so many Toyotas. One clue seems to be ISIS’s credo, ‘Fanatical about Islam, sensible about gas mileage.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Congrats to Barack and Michelle Obama, who just celebrated their 23rd wedding anniversary. I guess that explains why this morning, Barack was seen running toward the Rose Garden with a vase and a pair of scissors. ‘Of course I remembered!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Martin O’Malley, ex-governor of Maryland, is running for president. He’s at 2 percent in the polls. He’s been in the race eight months, and he’s only tied with low-fat milk.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday Hillary Clinton criticized Donald Trump during an interview on Telemundo. Clinton knew if there was one place she could criticize Trump without him finding out about it, it’s on Telemundo.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s being reported that Donald Trump is mentioned on social media seven times more often than any other Republican candidate. And that’s just by Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien

“A lot of people think that when the Republican field clears it will come down to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump. Kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Everybody’s still talking about Donald Trump. A recent poll had voters describe Trump in one word, and a lot of them used the words ‘idiot’, ‘buffoon’, ‘clown’, and ‘jerk’. And those are the people voting for Trump. Of course, they also used other words, like ‘Still’, ‘better’, ‘than’ and ‘Jeb’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Dr. Ben Carson hosted a Facebook Q&A last night, and said the loss of gun rights is more devastating than seeing people die from gun violence. So if Ben Carson is your doctor, definitely get a second opinion.” – Seth Meyers

“Dr. Ben Carson spoke with Kanye West recently and said that he is ‘very impressed’ with Kanye’s knowledge of business. And Kanye said that he is very impressed with Kanye’s knowledge of business.” – Seth Meyers

“Republicans say the economy is bad. So bad, in New York over on Park Avenue, I saw a woman with real breasts and a fake Gucci bag.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I went out and saw the number one movie in America this weekend, ‘The Martian’. It’s the sci-fi thriller that takes place in the near future where — here’s the twist — NASA has a budget.” – Stephen Colbert

‘The Martian’ is expected to do particularly well when it launches in China. … This movie is a natural match for China. Because not only is the planet Mars red, I believe it has more oxygen than Beijing.” – Stephen Colbert