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Late Night Political Humor

“Yesterday President Obama made an unscheduled stop at a Little League game while he was on his way to a fundraiser. Yeah, because there’s nothing parents love more than their kid’s Little League game getting even longer.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In New Hampshire, a police commissioner who called President Obama a racial slur has resigned. He also publicly apologized to New Hampshire’s entire black community, a guy named Steve.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s primary season, which thanks to global warming, will soon be our last remaining season.” – Stephen Colbert

“It’s springtime and earlier today Chris Christie closed the George Washington Bridge for a pollen study.” – David Letterman

“Why would [Hillary Clinton] run? In the past month, she faced new Benghazi allegations, the return of Monica Lewinsky, Karl Rove speculating on her brain damage and the rumors that she only got into the White House by sleeping with the president. A lie? Probably.” – Stephen Colbert

“A high school girl has invited Joe Biden to be her prom date. Isn’t that nice? However, her father is refusing to let her go with a guy who can’t really describe what he does for a living.” – Conan O’Brien

“The U.S. is accusing Chinese military officials of spying. When asked why they did it, the Chinese officials said it’s payback for all the times your students cheated off the Asian kid.” – Conan O’Brien

“The FBI has reversed its policy and will now hire people who have smoked pot in the past three years. When asked why, the FBI said, ‘Because we couldn’t find anyone who hasn’t smoked pot.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Vladimir Putin ordered all Russian troops stationed near Ukraine to be pulled back to their home bases. It’s the first time Putin has pulled back since that one time someone tried to hug him.” – Seth Meyers

“Pope Francis will bring a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he travels to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, ‘We’ve been expecting you.'” – Jimmy Fallon

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End Game

Torb
© Torb

There’s an old saying that nobody, on their deathbed, ever says that they wish they had made more money or worked longer hours. And yet we still succumb to greed, regardless of the consequences.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Karl Rove thinks we shouldn’t have Hillary Clinton in the White House because she fell and hit her head a couple years ago, spent three days in the hospital, and maybe she has brain damage. You know, I don’t recall the Republicans being this concerned with mental fitness during the years when Reagan was talking to house plants in the White House.” – Bill Maher

“The new ‘Godzilla’ opens this weekend. They’re finally able to control Godzilla when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie closes down the George Washington Bridge.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday Chris Christie said he thinks it would be fun to run against Jeb Bush for the Republican presidential nomination. While Jeb Bush said it would be fun just to watch Chris Christie run.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama was here, touring New York sites in need of repair. He wants to spend money on our infrastructure. For example, the port authority needs fixing. And the Tappan Zee Bridge, where the renovation is already finishing up way ahead of schedule – like Obama’s second term.” – David Letterman

“Today President Obama took his 1,001st flight aboard Air Force One. And they still made him take his shoes off at security.” – Seth Meyers

“New Rule: Now that Clay Aiken’s opponent in the Democratic primary for Congress died after a ‘accidental fall down the stairs’, the Republican Aiken will face next might want to consider dropping out. Because this is Clay Aiken we’re talking about. And apparently Clay Aiken is going to take what Clay motherfuckin’ Aiken wants. Which might explain why every single face he’s ever made looks like a guy who just pushed someone down the stairs.” – Bill Maher

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Pound Foolish

Tom Toles
© Tom Toles

In the last ten years, the total level of student loan debt has gone from $300 billion to $1.1 trillion. And we are now learning that this level of debt among people just starting to enter the real economy is significantly hurting the economy.

It makes perfect sense – people with crushing student loans can’t afford to buy a house, so this is hurting the housing market. Just since 2008, the number of 27- to 30-year-olds with a mortgage dropped from 30% to 22%. They are also less likely to buy cars.

Even worse, they cannot start their own businesses, and since 60% of jobs are created by small businesses, there is a long-term negative effect on employment and the economy.

Other countries subsidize college educations, or even provide it for free.

And it isn’t just our shortsightedness about higher education that is turning around and biting our economy in the ass. There is plenty of evidence that each homeless person costs taxpayers $31,065 a year (in emergency room visits, and homeless-related crimes), while it would only cost around $10,000 to house them. And after spending that $30K+, they are still homeless and less likely to have a job and otherwise contribute to the economy.

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Return of the Jedi

Obama in a speech this week, makes a really good case against “false equivalences” from the media. I couldn’t have said it better myself!

You’ll hear if you watch the nightly news or you read the newspapers that, well, there’s gridlock, Congress is broken, approval ratings for Congress are terrible. And there’s a tendency to say, a plague on both your houses. But the truth of the matter is that the problem in Congress is very specific. We have a group of folks in the Republican Party who have taken over who are so ideologically rigid, who are so committed to an economic theory that says if folks at the top do very well then everybody else is somehow going to do well; who deny the science of climate change; who don’t think making investments in early childhood education makes sense; who have repeatedly blocked raising a minimum wage so if you work full-time in this country you’re not living in poverty; who scoff at the notion that we might have a problem with women not getting paid for doing the same work that men are doing.

They, so far, at least, have refused to budge on bipartisan legislation to fix our immigration system, despite the fact that every economist who’s looked at it says it’s going to improve our economy, cut our deficits, help spawn entrepreneurship, and alleviate great pain from millions of families all across the country.

So the problem… is not that the Democrats are overly ideological — because the truth of the matter is, is that the Democrats in Congress have consistently been willing to compromise and reach out to the other side. There are no radical proposals coming out from the left. When we talk about climate change, we talk about how do we incentivize through the market greater investment in clean energy. When we talk about immigration reform there’s no wild-eyed romanticism. We say we’re going to be tough on the borders, but let’s also make sure that the system works to allow families to stay together…

When we talk about taxes we don’t say we’re going to have rates in the 70 percent or 90 percent when it comes to income like existed here 50, 60 years ago. We say let’s just make sure that those of us who have been incredibly blessed by this country are giving back to kids so that they’re getting a good start in life, so that they get early childhood education… Health care — we didn’t suddenly impose some wild, crazy system. All we said was let’s make sure everybody has insurance. And this made the other side go nuts — the simple idea that in the wealthiest nation on Earth, nobody should go bankrupt because somebody in their family gets sick, working within a private system.

So when you hear a false equivalence that somehow, well, Congress is just broken, it’s not true. What’s broken right now is a Republican Party that repeatedly says no to proven, time-tested strategies to grow the economy, create more jobs, ensure fairness, open up opportunity to all people.

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Turnabout is Fair Play

Ben Sargent
© Ben Sargent

In light of revelations of widespread spying by the NSA (as revealed by Edward Snowden and others), it just seems a tad hypocritical of the US to accuse China of spying on US companies.

The US tries to assert that the US spying on foreign companies in the name of national security is ok, but China spying on US companies in order to benefit Chinese companies is not. But unfortunately, the US seems to have lost any moral authority it ever had with regard to spying.

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Erratic

I’m in the middle of a big move to a new state, so posts might be a little erratic for a bit. But this is good timing, since now that the primaries are largely over, not much is going on politically. Even late night comedians aren’t making many political jokes right now!

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Late Night Political Humor

“The earthquake damaged the Washington Monument. They had to do some sandblasting, had to have the graffiti removed, and then they filled in the cracks with some sort of sealant. It’s what they’re doing right now for Hillary Clinton.” – David Letterman

‘During his trip to the White House yesterday, Uruguay’s president said that more Americans should be bilingual. Then Joe Biden said, ‘Thanks, but I’m happily married.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new survey, 55 percent of Americans think that they are smarter than the average American. Said the average American, ’55 percent? That’s almost half.'” – Seth Meyers

“A federal judge ruled yesterday that Idaho’s ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional, so now it’s legal for gay couples to get married. Idaho’s gay people all cheered – from their homes in San Francisco and New York.” – Jimmy Fallon

“New research suggests that people who are more ambitious will live longer. While people who are less ambitious will live longer with their parents.” – Seth Meyers

“A new study claims that 1 in 10 Americans no longer carry cash. They’re called English majors.” – Seth Meyers

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The Establishment Clause

Rob Rogers
© Rob Rogers

The Tea Party has pretty much taken over the Republican Party. Who needs a radical fringe when you don’t have any moderates any more?

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Late Night Political Humor

“The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams.” – Conan O’Brien

“The St. Louis Rams made history on Saturday by drafting Michael Sam, making him the first openly gay player in the NFL. Yep, an NFL player who’s never been with a woman — or as Tim Tebow put it, ‘Eh, it’s been done.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Some NFL players actually criticized Michael Sam for kissing his boyfriend after getting drafted. Apparently NFL players aren’t supposed to be in a gay relationship until they’re sent to prison. Then it’s fine.” – Conan O’Brien

“They are reopening the Washington Monument. The thing has been shut down for the last two years – like the Obama administration.” – David Letterman

“Thursday is the deadline for Iran to meet a series of measures to delay its nuclear program. Then Iran said, ‘Do you mean ‘DEADLINE deadline’ or ‘Sign up for Obamacare deadline?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“During his visit to the White House, the President of Uruguay lectured President Obama about the dangers of smoking. Then, when Obama said ‘Oh, I quit,’ Hillary Clinton ran past him into the Oval Office.” – Seth Meyers

“In Colorado a man was accidentally released from prison 90 years too soon. In a related story, everyone in Colorado is high.” – Conan O’Brien

“So that’s our choice: Malala, or Rush — the quivering rage heap who is apparently desperately trying to extinguish any remaining molecule of humanity that might still reside in the Chernobyl-esque superfund clean-up site that was his soul. Who should we choose? I don’t know, why don’t we tweet our votes to hashtag #F*ckyouRush.” – Jon Stewart (showing a photo of Malala Yousufzai with a #BringBackOurGirls sign in solidarity with the drive to rescue 300 kidnapped Nigerian girls, and conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh, who mocked the effort)

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Victory or Submission?

As predicted, no Tea Party challengers won their Republican primaries today. The glory days of wing-nut insurgents like Christine (I am not a witch) O’Donnell, Todd Akin, Ken Buck, Richard Mourdock, and Sharron Angle beating more traditional Republican candidates in the primaries – just to go on to lose big in the general election – seem to be over.

And so of course you are going to see the pundits declare the tea party all-but-dead, trampled by the big business Republican establishment. But is that so? From where I sit, it looks more like the establishment candidates gave in and adopted all the wing-nut policies of the Tea Party.

Don’t believe me? Are any of the establishment Republicans pushing to fix Obamacare rather than just repeatedly repeal it? Or working on improving the economy rather than sabotaging it (by shutting down the government) just to make Obama look bad? Or promoting immigration reform? Or willing to compromise with Democrats on anything? Or even consider stopping wasting our time and money investigating Benghazi?

In fact, do Republicans have any policies whatsoever other than “if Obama is for it, we’re against it”? After all, it was Mitch McConnell himself (who just defeated a Tea Party primary challenger) who said that his number-one political goal was to make Obama a one term president.

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How Lavabit the dust

Almost a year ago, Ladar Levison shut down his startup “Lavabit”, which provided secure and encrypted email services to almost half a million people, including some high profile users like NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden. At the time, he wasn’t allowed to talk about what actually happened, only that a US court had ordered him to give the government access to all of its emails.

But now, finally, we get to hear Ladar Levison’s side of the story.

Here’s his conclusion:

If my experience serves any purpose, it is to illustrate what most already know: courts must not be allowed to consider matters of great importance under the shroud of secrecy, lest we find ourselves summarily deprived of meaningful due process. If we allow our government to continue operating in secret, it is only a matter of time before you or a loved one find yourself in a position like I did – standing in a secret courtroom, alone, and without any of the meaningful protections that were always supposed to be the people’s defense against an abuse of the state’s power.

And, of course, we have to read about this in a foreign newspaper.

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Nutso News

A few ironic stories in the news:

In Arizona, Republican Gary Kiehne decided that a primary debate was the right place to blurt out that “99 percent of (mass shootings) have been by Democrats pulling their guns out and shooting people.” Two days later he backtracked and said that he shouldn’t have made the remarks without any reservations.

In New Hampshire, police commissioner Bob Copeland loudly called Obama “that fucking nigger” in a restaurant and complained about having to see him on TV. He then refused to apologize, saying:

While I believe the problems associated with minorities in this country are momentous, I am not phobic. My use of derogatory slang in reference to those among them undeserving of respect is no secret. It is the exercise of my 1st Amendment rights… I believe I did use the “N” word in reference to the current occupant of the Whitehouse [sic]. For this I do not apologize – he meets and exceeds my criteria for such.

After Republicans Mitt Romney (who has a vacation home nearby) and Senate candidate Scott Brown sharply criticized Copeland, he finally resigned. Still no word on any apology.

And finally, conservative activist Larry Klayman is calling for a pre-emptive “second American Revolution” in order to prevent Hillary Clinton from becoming president. Klayman believes open insurrection is called for, despite the fact that Clinton hasn’t even announced that she is running, and the election is over two years away. He also compared Clinton unfavorably to Richard Nixon, saying she “would make Nixon look like a saint” and that “whatever his shortcomings, Tricky Dick at least was not a traitor”.

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Late Night Political Humor

“The White House went on lockdown for the second time in three days after someone threw something over the fence. Security was like, ‘Sorry Hillary, you’re going to have to wait two and a half more years to move your stuff in. You can’t just toss it over the fence.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“For the second time in three days, the White House has gone into lockdown after someone threw an object over the fence. Finally today, President Obama took away Joe Biden’s Frisbee.” – Seth Meyers

“A new report shows that President Obama has visited 45 states during his time in office. When he heard that, Biden said, ‘Wow, he’s been to ALL of ’em?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“What must it be like to work at a rehab facility and you see Toronto Mayor Rob Ford walk through the door? I can imagine: red lights start flashing, a siren goes off, someone yells, ‘This is what we have been training for, people! Let’s go!'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mayor Ford told a reporter he is paying $100,000 for treatment. The reason we know this is because the mayor has been talking to the Toronto Sun. He told the reporter he got in trouble for talking to the press, so he did an interview on Wednesday to tell the reporter he was not supposed to have done an interview on Tuesday.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A new report says that global warming could cause Boston to end up completely underwater. Bostonians say, ‘We’re OK with that as long as it happens when the Yankees are in town.’ They hate them that much.” – Conan O’Brien

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Violent Thoughts

Ironically, while gun violence in the US has dropped significantly, most Americans think gun violence has gone up.

In under 20 years, since its peak in the 1990s, gun violence has nearly been cut in half. The number of killings due to guns dropped 39% between 1993 and 2011, while gun crimes that weren’t fatal dropped 69%. Even so, guns are still the most popular way to kill someone in the US – two out of three murders in the US used guns (in the same time period). The US still has a higher murder rate than most developed countries and has more guns per capita than any other country.

But when surveyed, only 12% of Americans think gun violence has gone down in the last two decades. 26% said it has stayed the same, and 56% thought it had increased.

There are many explanations of why gun violence has gone down. Some researchers think it is due to the declining popularity of crack cocaine. Others link it to the reduction of lead in gasoline, which is known to increase aggression and impulsive behavior. Others point to surging incarceration rates.

So why do only 12% of Americans think gun crime has gone down, when it has dropped significantly? Who benefits from us being scared?

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